Brandi Show full post »
UrbanExplorer
Ironflower wrote:
Thank you UrbanExplorer and Anna26.

I responded to the Thread title.

Apologies to Heidi for the 'talking down', that was my triggered reaction to awful experiences growing up with people hiding behind religion, and I've just come out of a dark place as a result of what happened.  
It's not the beginning of my journey - I've been on the journey most of my life, just because others always told me I was wrong... when in fact, the learning from that journey has been ... No, I wasn't wrong all along, but they were.

However, I did not belittle anyone else's pain in my comments ... other than to say:

I've been on both sides ... and in my experience, and the other awful things I've been through - being the OW alone has been THE hardest.

Tell me that it's not, berate me, whatever ... but my feelings are mine and are valid, just as yours are, right or wrong.  Just as a WS feelings are theirs to feel.  Just as a BS are theirs to feel.

Walk in my shoes and all that...


It's hard to speak about this when you are a WS/OW/OM instead of a BS, but I truly believe part of the healing process for ALL involved parties is to acknowledge our own true feelings and needs.

I grew up with people who tried to smooth over, fix, or otherwise invalidate negative emotions until eventually I couldn't access those feelings within myself and use them to guide me as an adult. My own personal growth involves being honest about how I feel. Having wronged my husband doesn't change that part of it. In fact, it points to a greater need for openness.
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neslon
The further into this recovery process - the more I understand I'm recovering me.  I have control over me.  I need to know what filters my FOO, and experiences have added to my life to understand why I react how I do and change what I can and be willing to take a step back to see if my filters are discoloring a conversation/event/etc in a way that is unfair and untrue.  I have control over my feelings and yes we do have some control there.  I have been wallowing most of the week.  I need to practice the mindfulness that keeps me in the moment instead of the past. I need to be aware when it's easier to settle into the fear and sadness because it's a place where I feel protected from additional hurt.  This is not a place where I feel hope however and not a place where it's easy to access the grace and forgiveness needed for my future.  The amount of pain all of us are feeling and which side of the triangle has more pain is irrelevant as we all need to find a way to sit with that pain, name it, and figure out how to get to the other side of it.  To decide to come out of a really crappy situation(whether it was your choice or not) better than you went in.  I personally have accessed feelings that I didn't allow myself to have, I have figured out I'm stronger than I think, I was able to fight instead of flight, I asked for help and admitted that my life was not perfect.  I hope someday that I can look back at this year and say "I found pieces of me that year that were badly needed" instead of looking as it as the year I found out.

I need to let go of my spouse's feelings/actions but yet act in a way that I show my love and my willingness to work on us while my boundaries are being respected.  I hope that he chooses to find a way through his pain and shame that is productive for us. 

I don't want to waste the pain - I want to use it for betterment and get rid of it.  

Now I need to read this daily especially on the wallowing days. 


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ConfusedInLimbo
neslon wrote:
The further into this recovery process - the more I understand I'm recovering me.  I have control over me.  I need to know what filters my FOO, and experiences have added to my life to understand why I react how I do and change what I can and be willing to take a step back to see if my filters are discoloring a conversation/event/etc in a way that is unfair and untrue.  I have control over my feelings and yes we do have some control there.  I have been wallowing most of the week.  I need to practice the mindfulness that keeps me in the moment instead of the past. I need to be aware when it's easier to settle into the fear and sadness because it's a place where I feel protected from additional hurt.  This is not a place where I feel hope however and not a place where it's easy to access the grace and forgiveness needed for my future.  The amount of pain all of us are feeling and which side of the triangle has more pain is irrelevant as we all need to find a way to sit with that pain, name it, and figure out how to get to the other side of it.  To decide to come out of a really crappy situation(whether it was your choice or not) better than you went in.  I personally have accessed feelings that I didn't allow myself to have, I have figured out I'm stronger than I think, I was able to fight instead of flight, I asked for help and admitted that my life was not perfect.  I hope someday that I can look back at this year and say "I found pieces of me that year that were badly needed" instead of looking as it as the year I found out.

I need to let go of my spouse's feelings/actions but yet act in a way that I show my love and my willingness to work on us while my boundaries are being respected.  I hope that he chooses to find a way through his pain and shame that is productive for us. 

I don't want to waste the pain - I want to use it for betterment and get rid of it.  

Now I need to read this daily especially on the wallowing days. 





I absolutely love this. Thank you
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Nolongerslaves
This was a fantastic thread to read through! I hope you all are doing well, and thanks for sharing 🙂
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savingshards
This was a fantastic thread to read through! I hope you all are doing well, and thanks for sharing 🙂


I agree, nolonger. I appreciate insight into all involved, and the struggle for empathy. Hoping there has been healing.

BS married 27 years at DDay
DDays: 4/13/14; 4/29/14; 5/13/14; 6/12/14

I got broken open...and then the light streamed in.


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BrokenHearted
Brandi wrote:
Thats funny you say that because my ws ap was a cut rate version of me too! And I heard the same bs lines about missing me and performance issues too. I dont believe them for a moment. And my ws also said that his ap told him to work on his marriage at one point which I also dont believe.



My WS's AP was blonde and blue eyrd... like me, but she is vulgar and disgusting and never been married. She has spent her life chasing married men. She pales in looks, has no personaliry, and is a narcissist.. total opposite of me. Still he "affaired down" and I just can't understand what he ever saw in her.
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Godspeach
Ego boosting. Period. Until the “other” shoe 👟 drops. This never goes well. I see the ego stroking that being noticed makes most of us feel good, but the fact that someone is married seems to send many of you through the roof. That’s a sign(including all the pain you’re carrying) of a hurt soul that needs to stop allowing yourselves to play victim and get the help you need to live a real life that doesn’t include being selfish and hurtful to others.
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