Heartbroken2015

My husband and I were married 6yrs (dating 14yrs) when I found about the sexual affair.  We have a 5yr old son together. He had asked for a separation in April, I moved out in June, I was moving back 1st of Oct and found out Sept 28th that he was seeing someone since May.   They work together, so he still sees her everyday.   He says the only slept together the one time and he knew it was wrong when it happened but was worried I wouldn't move home.  We had seen a therapist the entire 4mths, he kept bringing up small things that caused him to ask for the separation, like I asked him to pick up after himself, that he hated I changed 2-3x when getting ready, that we didn't have enough sex (we had 2-3x a week but he wanted it 4-5x), I didn't compliment him enough or say he looked nice in the mornings....I kept asking is there something else, these things seem so petty to ask for a separation especially when we got along so good otherwise.   He denied anything else.  Then I found messages on his computer from them to each other.

How did you decide to give your marriage another chance?  Because of the children? Because of your history?   Did you believe it wouldn't happen again?  How did you trust again?  

Did it work out?  was it a one time thing?  are you happy or happier now?

I just fear it'll happen again the next time we get busy and someone pays him attention...or that I'll be a jealous wife causing us to fight (which we never use to).  What way of life is it after?

Our son is starting to have behavioral issues at school and we are intending to sell the house (he wants to move & start fresh but I'm not sure if I want to...so either we buy a new house together or separate)....how do you make that leap of faith and trust again?

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Graceandhope
The messages I found when I learned about the affair supported his statement that he had already ended it. I don't think I actually made the decision to work/really stay until about 8 months out. In the beginning it was just processing and waiting for something else to come up. Give me a reason to leave.

I think between three and six months our conversation got better I started to be able to actually hear what he was saying. To some extent early on it was about the kids and keeping things "normal" until the dust settled.


But behind the crap he is a good man, we had a good relationship before, he was trying and I can see where we lost our way.

Part of it was and still is, making a decision. That you want this, that you can be ok with it and that you want to be in a good place. Where do I want to be? Am I willing to take the gamble today? But my husband is working on being a better husband, father person.
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Heartbroken2015

Thank you Graceandhope for your response.   [smile]

Those are the questions I ask myself, can I forgive & forget?  Like I say, we have a 5yr old son together and I feel for him I've been able to forgive enough to keep an amicable relationship between us.   My mother cheated on my father and they divorced when I was 1yr old.  I lived with my mother until age 4 and then lived with my Dad and stepmother.  I saw how the affair not only affected my Dad to end his marriage but how he brings the jealousy and insecurity into his new marriage.   They have been together 40yrs and he still follows her and checks her Facebook.  I see how awful it is for both of them.  I don't want to be like that - I know this!  I know I can forgive but like my Dad I really don't think I'll forget.  We never fought and fear my insecurity will cause fights when I have triggers to the affair.  (I have them now and he is willing to discuss or answer questions but there are days when he just ignores me - this he did during our marriage as well).

I told my husband the only thing that would ever make me leave him was an affair....yet I struggle leaving him.  I wonder if I want to continue the marriage because I loved our life (which is over I know and it would be a new life) or worse am I only doing it for our son? 

I see a therapist but she just encourages me towards reconciliation (we live separate) and she suggests I just forgive & forget and move on together.   Friends/Family encourage me to divorce.   I'm torn.  I have days I'm ready to move on alone and days when I want to reconcile...I feel my life is on hold and want to move forward.

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Rambler
Giving someone a second chance builds your own character, especially when you feel they may not deserve it.
Everyone makes bad decisions in their lives, some decisions (like breaking marital vows) are worse than others.  In the end we are all human and make mistakes.  It doesn't justify the mistake, but forgiveness is a gift you give to others as well as yourself.

When the person you're giving a second chance to, is genuinely grateful and responds positively, it's a good sign there is very good hope.  It's more difficult (as I'm experiencing now w/ my WS) when the gratitude and resolve to make restitution is not particularly pronounced, and could be more reflective of one's character or sense of entitlement.  Unfortunately, there are people out there who need to experience significant loss in order to grow.  I choose to give every chance to avoid catalyzing that loss, but eventually you do have to make your own happiness and health a priority.
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Heartbroken2015

I've read that for those who do give the WS a second chance that setting boundaries & expectations are a good idea.   Did any of you do this when returning to the marriage or continuing with the marriage?   

I am living separate of my husband now and it took a lot out of me financially to get myself and my son set up again.   Plus we are planning on selling our house so he can pay me half of the equity.   If we reconcile we decided we would move closer to where I am as our son started Kindergarten during this time and we feel we would want to keep him in the same school.  Our home is currently very rural and he wouldn't be any where near his current school mates (30kms away).

Did you make any agreements about reconciliation?  I don't want to be the one to uproot again.  Our son sees it as me leaving now and that our old house is his "home" not my townhouse - which is very hard on me too.  

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Graceandhope
I would point out you are not your dad and their relationship is not yore with your spouse. I don't remember how far out you are but have patience with yourself and give yourself room to try on all the feelings and possibilities. Even if you decide to stay involved and work on it it can be, for now. You're still in recovery. If you decided to split up you would still have contact with your spouse and still need to work on recovery. I just knew I wanted to try to do the work together. We never fought either. We're finding we need to learn how to fight/argue with each other. Hell if we can work thru an affair (to the extent we have) we can learn to be pissed off at each other and make it thru.

It's still a challenge but for now I'd rather work on it with him (taking our history into account) than by myself. I do think a big part of my challenge was deciding repeatedly to stay in now and stop looking at the wrong all the time
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Heartbroken2015

We are currently living separate and with the sell of the house, he has asked to come live with me to work on the marriage.  I'm worried letting him come will give our 5yr old the wrong idea.  That we are back together.  He's doing good with the separation (I took him to a children's therapist and she feels he's doing great with the transition as long as we stay amicable...we both attend his Sat GYM&SWIM and we have Sunday suppers together).   He has told me (&therapist) he wants Mommy & Daddy together again, it's his big wish and even asked from Santa.   So I don't want to lead him on for heartbreak down the road should we not reconcile.

How do we work together on us without confusing our son?  Any advice? Think this is why I'm even more hesitant to give him a second chance [frown]

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Kalmarjan
When it comes to children, you can put it into a context they understand. Leave the adult part out of it, but assure him that it's not because of what he did that you two are separated.

One thing I think would help is if you put the child first. That is, all arguments and disagreements are out of his earshot. All he needs to know is that the two of you are not together in the same place, and that you are still his mommy and daddy.

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flight
Everyone wants to help and I understand the conflicting advice. You are the onen who knows best. A good counselor should lead you towards the decision you know is best for yourself, not necessarily be pro marriage or pro leave the bum. I tend to be more pro marriage just because of comittment and practicality, but your choice depends really on the work HE is willing to do. He has to instill trust in you and that is his job. If he is truly showing remorse and change and a willingness to do whatever it takes to rebuild your trust, then that is the first step. Forgivness is your next step. You won't forget, but you can put it behind you with work and rebuilding your connection with each other. We all have an innate sense of when something is out of whack. If he is doing the right things, you will feel that things are right, even if you have normal couple disagreements. If he is not being transparent, you will have that feeling of unease and know things are not working. He has to do the work to change the thinking that led him to seek an affair as a solution to his own issues. 
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