tobefree Show full post »
arizons
ANITA1 wrote:
My ex-husband gave out all the signs that he was having an affair but I chose to live in denial and ignore them. He treated me poorly and stopped showing me the love and affection that got me in love with him in the first place. My cup was full and I couldn't take it anymore. I file for a divorce but I needed proof he was cheating. I was referred to a penetration expert THE_PRIEST@TUTANOTA.COM who gave me a remote access to all applications running on his phone in real time. I had all the proof I needed to end the heartache and emotional torture. Don't lay back and do nothing ladies. If you have a hunch your significant other is cheating go ahead and hack into his phone. You deserve closure and most importantly you deserve a loving relationship.
 

I wish there was a way to flag this spamers post for removal.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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ThrivenotSurvive
@arizons I DM’d Tim about it this morning.  He’s the only one that can remove posts. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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arizons
@arizons I DM’d Tim about it this morning.  He’s the only one that can remove posts. 
  cool! Thanks
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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tobefree
thank you everyone that replied. I cried while reading your responses. Thanks @Keepabuzz for sharing your detailed experience and validating my experiences. I"m sorry @TheFarmGirl that your WS is calling you names. I agree with others, he has no right to do that. He's just being vindictive and you have every right to call him out on it. I hope you are able to find a safe space for yourself when he does that, and I hope you know that no matter what he says, it has nothing to do with you. It's all on him. He's the one that cheated and he has no right to call you anything but be sorry for what he did. It doesn't even matter if you decide to move forward from your relationship. WS always owes the BS an apology and apologetic behaviours to help the BS heal, regardless of what the relationship is going to like. 

@Sadie, I actually am a codependent but I only realized that with my mother. My mother is a narcissist so growing up, I was always required to be perfect for her and such. I always knew I might be codependent with my WS as well but I never looked into it so thank you for the reminder, as I will again so I can learn to not be like that with him. I'm not like that with my mom anymore so I have the skills now to do it with him as well.

As for me lately, I have been trying to do and think more about the 180. Each day that passes, my heart is slowly moving towards that and I'm just allowing it. I actually got really sick yesterday, had a terrible migraine with very bad vertigo (which I've never had before). The day before I had a severe trigger. being only 2 mths out of dday and 1 mths (edit: actually i realized it's only 2 wks) for my WS to be mostly out of the fog has not been easy. I am so grateful for this forum and all your support. This is you all that is keeping me afloat and alive and helping me be able to face tomorrow so thank you all!
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lausye
3) He is so f**king messed up. It makes me feel terrible knowing that I fell deeply in love with someone like him, with no self-control, no self-discipline, no boundaries and selfish to the core. I can't believe I spend a decade of my life with someone like that. I'm angry with myself for not being able to see that. What does that say about myself? 

Hi Tobefree,
Yes, I went through all the emotions you expressed - the anger, hopelessness, sleeplessness, despair, and even suicidal thoughts.

D-Day was August 26, 2017 - when my husband brought me to meet his "friend" who was visiting from another country. We were supposed to go to a restaurant, but due to a hurricane, all the restaurants were closed. Since I didn't suspect that his "friend" was someone he was infatuated with (he met her at a bar in a major African country), I offered to cook. And he was so damn insensitive, selfish, narcissistic, stupid - he took up my offer. I get so mad when I think about the hours I spent cooking a meal, and she was just picking at it on my table, while eyeing my husband. 

I particularly want to address your point #3 above.  I think the worst part of it is to know that you have loved someone who turned out to be a monster (my husband unknowingly and stupidly thought that his infatuation for his friend would change once we met. Which didn't happen. And he was so stupid to think that was possible. It was due to his behavior with his "friend" that eventually led me to read his emails to her, and confront him.

He trickle truthed me - from the initial "she was just a friend and I enjoyed writing those emails " to "I was attracted to her" 5 months. To currently confessing that he was infatuated with her. No sexual contact. Although she gave him a ride to his hotel on the first night they met at the bar and were talking for 2.5 hours, and he gave her a kiss on her cheek. That pisses me off!    Oh, by the way I asked him yesterday whether he can tell me anything negative about her since he is beyond the infatuation. As usual he gave his usual stock answers (no balls), and when I pressed for more, said "she had BO"!!! 

It has been nearly 2 years since D-Day. 

I have not decided what I will do. 

I would never wish this experience on even my worse enemy. So sorry about your situation. There is hope for you.
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arizons
lausye wrote:


I would never wish this experience on even my worse enemy. So sorry about your situation. There is hope for you.

  This is were I would disagree on one thing.... I do hope and wish the universe sees fit to have that horrible ex-ap sea hag experince exactly what she put me through because only then do o tjink she could understand what a peice of s*** human being she is.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Keepabuzz
arizons wrote:

  This is were I would disagree on one thing.... I do hope and wish the universe sees fit to have that horrible ex-ap sea hag experince exactly what she put me through because only then do o tjink she could understand what a peice of s*** human being she is.



I agree 1000%!!!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
Agreed. Actually, I also extend that same thought process to my WS. He won’t experience it because I wouldn’t lower myself to his level... especially now after having to suffer through this. But IMO there are two people who deserve to go through this kind of suffering. The AP certainly, but also the WS...
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EasyAsABC
arizons wrote:

  This is were I would disagree on one thing.... I do hope and wish the universe sees fit to have that horrible ex-ap sea hag experince exactly what she put me through because only then do o tjink she could understand what a peice of s*** human being she is.



As an expert, I can tell you that unfortunately it doesn’t work this way. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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arizons
EasyAsABC wrote:



As an expert, I can tell you that unfortunately it doesn’t work this way. 


Oh, I know... but one would wish. LOL
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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TheFarmGirl
Keepabuzz wrote:


Your WS calls YOU bad names??? 


oh yes. He is awful. Abusive without the physical part. Terrible. And he still blames me for being as “?”(grumpy, whatever his accusation of the day is).  and that’s why he cheated with a few girls for the duration of our marriage.   I don’t say lightly- the only reason we are together (in my opinion) is for our child. I would have divorced him and never spoken to him again if we didn’t have children. I still weigh the damage... but our child loves us both so much. And then in the background, $ to cement the dilemma. I’m taking the best path for my child, but it is ruining me. My “ex” (as I wishingly consider him) is drilling me down day by day. I can see it in my face, others can too.  It’s hard. But the kid is happy, mostly. 
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TheFarmGirl
arizons wrote:

  This is were I would disagree on one thing.... I do hope and wish the universe sees fit to have that horrible ex-ap sea hag experince exactly what she put me through because only then do o tjink she could understand what a peice of s*** human being she is.


...I do wonder if I am experiencing this, ha, ha.  

I cheated on a very abusive boyfriend when I was younger. I guess because I didn’t know how to get away from him. We ended up getting married and he flaunted the girl he stayed with most days of the week (while I was paying the bills working 60-100 hours /week). I finally realized I was being abused and left. Paid for the divorce myself but we didn’t have children, so I consider that I got out lucky. 

Now Im stuck. With a serial cheater. He pays the bills but threatens me (He asked me to quit my job to raise our child). Just recently he wants me to be the breadwinner while he stays home... I think this is an aggressive move, as my career would pay about 1/3 of his, and wouldn’t even pay his debts, so he knows That’s not a good idea. 

Ugh, I’m just so angry, so stuck. Trying to make the best for my child. It’s really wearing on me. 

(Sorry to derail the thread)
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TheFarmGirl
...sorry. To finish, I am probably too open to everyone about everything.  When my husband and I were discussing his cheating, I told him about my cheating on that ex. He brings that up every time he has a chance to degrade me... he pushes that is equal to his cheating on me and therefore cancelled out.  Makes me flaming furious, as he has no understanding of what happened between me and an ex (summers apart/not a couple, but a controlling abuser). And any past experience DOES NOT excuse his trespasses against me!!! We were willingly married, chose to have a child. Hardships to have a child.  All the while he was cheating. He still doesn’t even get it. And I f’ing hate him. 
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