tobefree Show full post »
anthro
Still deciding 2.5 years on... 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Sadie
Good to know, Anthro.   Thank you!    
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tobefree
Thank you everyone for sharing your story with me. I will reply in more detial when I am in a better state of mind. I have not been doing well lately; hence, I have not been here much. I guess if you see this, can you let me know how you come out of the immense pain after dday? Each day, it has become darker and darker, my motivation to 'thrive' or do well diminishes significantly. As much as I would like to fight the excruciating pain, I feel like I'm succumbing to it's powers. I just want to be in bed and do nothing. I don't want to face the world, the problems, the issues and pain that is given to me. I just want to run away and get away.

I am seeing my counsellor, who is also our couples. Each day he's coming out of his fog but it doesn't make the pain any better. I thought it would when he comes out of his fog and realized what he did but to my surprise, it doesn't reduce the pain at all. It only helps me be able to feel my pain more with no added pain when he was in the fog. I feel like my heart has completely died and I have no idea where to find it again or if I can again. i feel like a walking zombie, carrying all this pain and agony and torment and have no idea where I'm going. I know I should do the 180 and do self-care and such but the pain is so immense that I feel very paralyzed. Is it  a time thing because dday is still so new? Will it be better in a few more weeks? Do I just have to endure the next 2 weeks so the pain will lessen? I feel so utterly lost and just want to give up. Sigh
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TheFarmGirl
Tobefree, I have gone through all of that too. A bit over a year from  dday for me and I’m finally enjoying life again. It’s taken a long long time, far longer than I would have ever expected. 

That dark dark phase lasted for me for a while, 6-8 months would be my guess. I feel like I lost that time in my life, as I too did not want to do anything, I just did what was necessary. I would have liked to have started my life fresh-moved, new town new job, everything, but we have a child...so we endured. 

Id say one of the things that helped me most was a few long sessions of EMDR. However that works, it does. It helped me break out of the ptsd cycles, which were so awful. I still get triggered occasionally, but it is only about once every few months now (instead of once a week) and the bouts are shorter and not as intense. 

I wish you you all the best as you go through this most awful time. I promise it will eventually get better, and you will feel good again. It will , unfortunately, take much longer than you expect. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
In my personal experience it was a combination of multiple things.  

How quickly my husband could get his head out of his behind and start being part of the solution rather than the problem.  

Time - while time will NOT do all the healing for you, it does help.  You are in the early, early part of this disaster.  You are still clearing the rubble and putting out the fires.  And you can't start the rebuilding until all that is done.  It sucks, but there is NO fast tracking your way out of the pain.  (at least that I found)

Self-care.  I know self-care is hard.  But the more you can do it, the quicker you get better.  Ever had a bad physical injury that required PT?  it hurts like hell, and no one wants to do it.  But the only way to get well is to DO IT.  I wasn't perfect about this.  Sometimes I ate crappy food or nown at all, sometimes I couldn't bring myself to do anything.  But I knew that it was the one element of my healing I had 100% control of.  So I took whatever limited energy I had and spent it on ME.  Not the marriage at first.  That came later.  In the beginning I used all my time and attention to heal myself  I found that gentle exercise I enjoyed really helped me sleep better, reduced the stress hormones in my system and activated the "feel good" hormones in my system.  It ALWAYS paid dividends.  My favorites were dance class (because I love to dance) or walking in nature with a positive audiobook in my ear.  I also found that lack of food caused my blood sugar to plummet - which made me feel bad.  I already felt bad.  This was kicking me while I was down.  So I juiced for myself when I had the energy - and bought healthy veggie juices, protein smoothies, etc. for when all I could muster was stirring something.  Still better than nothing or something that was so unhealthy I felt worse for eating it.  I also took supplements known for reducing stress hormones in the body and listened to self-hypnosis recording for stress reduction and peace.  Like TheFarmGirl I used EMDR to reduce triggers that were causing full-on panic attacks.

If you read many of my posts you will find that I did a LOT more self-care than that.  But it built on itself.  Each bit of self-care gave me a little more energy for the next bit... and so on.  

I really, really, really wish I could tell you a way to feel better right now.  I remember the feeling you are experiencing VERY WELL.  Unfortunately, as best I can tell, the only way to the other side is THROUGH the pain.  Allow yourself to feel it.  Do not tell yourself that you are weak or should be doing better.  Just feel it, and then try to see it as a passing storm.  Even if you are in the rainy season right now and the storms come relentlessly... eventually the rainy season passes.  This will too - and the more you can do for yourself, the more prepared to enjoy that sunshine you will be when it comes.   I am three years out from DD and I am happy and peaceful about 95% of the time.  I still have triggers or moments of fear.  But they are infrequent.  And they pass like an afternoon storm.  

Every 6 months will be better than the last 6 months - not as MUCH better as you may want - but it will be better.  Especially if you can stay focused on the thing that matters the most - rebuilding YOU first, then your marriage.

Sending lots and lots of virtual hugs.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Sadie
Oh boy, do I remember that stage of recovery!   I am so very sorry you are there.
    I agree, feel the feeling.   It’s just something you have to do.  It Truly is a full onslaught storm.    There were days that I didn’t shower, or even get out of my jammies.   I was also flying blind.  At the time, I did not have this site, neither was I talking to anyone about it.    
     Every time that I thought this was going to get the best of me though, I got mad.  Really REALLY mad!   If he thought this was going to destroy me, he had another thing coming!   I would be damned if I was going to allow this to finish me!    I sobbed, I wailed AND I threw things!  I broke things!  Then I would just collapse.   BUT I just kept pushing through.   Every day, I would get out of bed, hopeful that today, I could go at least 10 minutes with less pain.    
    You CAN get through this!  It isn’t easy, nor is it swift, but even if you notice a single minute that you didn’t lose it, then that is progress.    
     After the fact, I had heard where there are actually a type of break room, where you can go and with safety gear on, just break up stuff.  I would have been ther a lot.  Others just put stuff in a pillow case and smash it.   My bouts of anger were quite therapeutic for me.  They reminded me that I WOULD make it!   I remember saying quite often “dammit!  He took (almost—and you are still breathing, so it really is ALMOST) everything from me and I will be damned if I will let this beat me!!!!”   Sleep?   Well, that didn’t come till my Dr put me on some stuff to help me sleep.   Getting sleep was life changing.  That really started to get me out of the storm.
     
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tobefree
Thank you 3 for sharing your experiences. I'm also sorry that you all went through the same thing. It truly sucks to be in this state. I will definitely try EMDR but I figure I'll do that once everything about the affair is out. I also really appreciate the insight on seeing not losing it for even a minute is progress. That helps a lot actually.

He just confessed to a few more things yesterday and said now that there was some physical contact (nothing sexual but who knows from the down the road) for the past few months and some other sh*t. I even asked him that a few weeks ago if there were anything physical and he's response was like, "i thought you meant sexual stuff, I thought what we did was normal." Yea, like touching another woman (vice versa) on a weekly basis is a normal thing to do at work with a coworker. WTF?!? I don't know how to handle all of this. I understand it's important for me to know so I can make a sound judgement about this all. This is what I realized: Maybe I'm just so bitter and messed up right now and forgive me for my profanity, as I rarely ever swear prior to this all, but it's a necessity right now for me. It's the best way to express my agony.

1) Besides the fact that as a BS, I still love him and it's not possible to cut off my feelings right away but from a logical perspective, I"m like "Why the f*ck do I want to continue to be with and love a person that has absolutely no regards to how I feel and have no respect for me and is that selfish?"

2) Why the hell do I care about someone that has such corrupt moral standards? He ignored all of the red flags that she gave off and still believed she was a good person, purely because they have this 'special connection,' 'she attractive' and 'we have similar values'. And even when I showed him evidence to the contrary, he accepted them and he continued to ignore those red flags (she also has a friend that is dating a married man, among all other stuff). She told him this the day he told her we 'broke up' and 2 days after was he's bday and he treated me like crap still. And then now he's saying "oh I can't believe I fell for someone like her." B**lSh*t. He's self pity is sickening. What's worse is I fell for it, I empathize with him. And I am fully aware I will continue to do so because somehow I always cave and I hate that. I hate that I have this automatic soft spot for him. I really really despise the fact that I love him this much still because he f**king does not deserve that at all. He absolutely deserve someone like her because it's better for them to hurt one another (who only cares about themselves) than people that take their commitment to their partners very seriously and to the heart. 

3) He is so f**king messed up. It makes me feel terrible knowing that I fell deeply in love with someone like him, with no self-control, no self-discipline, no boundaries and selfish to the core. I can't believe I spend a decade of my life with someone like that. I'm angry with myself for not being able to see that. What does that say about myself? 

4) Why the hell am I even in counselling with him? For what purpose? A future? Our future? Why am I even treating him with respect even now when he could just literally destroy me to this extent without any care? How can I even justify to myself if I want to continue to be with someone that gives me PTSD and this very traumatic experience in which I would have to deal with for the rest of my life? Is that really a life partner that I want for the rest of my life? Why am I even considering that option?

I'm sorry for sounding so angry but I'm just raw. I didn't sleep well again. Even taking the sleeping pill that doc gave me didn't work. I am filled with so much negative emotions that I'm about to burst. I will still try to continue to focus on self-care and such but I am so so bitter right now, to the point that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have no idea who I am anymore and what I will become. The person that destroyed and killed my very being is supposed to be the one that protects me with his life. What's even sadder is, even till now, I know if the situation calls for it, my automatic response will be to protect him. F**k. I am truly one messed up human being right now. </3
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Sadie
Ugh.  The dreaded trickle truth!   Every time I was given more information, it took me right back to square one! 
He just didn’t get it!  His whole thing of not want to hurt me with (1) my finding out in the first place, then (2) the ever usual answer of I don’t want to hurt you more.
    It took what seemed like a lifetime for him to finally realize that the gig was up and it all (?) finally came out.   I didn’t feel like I was losing my mind anymore.  That was a huge relief!  
     You are a ball of emotions right now.   Everything you are feeling is valid.    Interesting how we can feel all that at the exact same time.   No wonder you are exhausted!   So much of that time is a blur to me.   I would even attempt to divide and conquer my emotions, but they were all so intricately entwined, that it almost impossible to do.   
     I have so far avoided reading up on being a co-dependat, but some quick scans lead me to believe that I am, but I still want to use the theory that women are just built that way, but soon, I will have to face the music.  Are you perhaps co-dependant?   Also, how certain are you that the affair is over?   I was deceived for about a year.   Denial me, didn’t bother checking.   Then the spider sense kicked in and I listened to it.
      Try to focus on one nice thing a day.   Literally smell the flowers, smile at the sun, be grateful for even 2 hours of sleep, blessings in your life...anything you can think of.
     
      
      
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Keepabuzz
Tobefree, 
       Every single ring you feel, I have felt, and so have many others here. Every negative emotion you can feel are surging way off the charts. I had never felt such pain, such sorrow, such agony. I had no idea I was capable of the levels of rage I experienced. I felt used, abused, taken advantage of, played for a fool, but multiplied by a million. I felt weak, stupid, ugly, undesirable, useless. I hoped for a very long time for death. I didn’t want to die, but I no longer wanted to live. There was no relief from the pain. No pain pill I could take to help manage it. The sadness was so deep, I found myself on the side of the road on more than one occasion with a loaded pistol in my hands. Seriously contemplating eating a bullet. The rage was unending, but like said above, that is the only emotion that helped me feel like I had any control over my own life.

I actually bought a heavy bag and hung it from a floor joist in my basement. The first time I went down there to use it, my kids were at school, but my wife was home. I told her “no matter what you hear, do not come down to the basement”. I went down there and cranked up some angry music and beat that bag to death. I beat that bag until I could no longer lift my arms to swing. I cried, I screamed. I think I was down there for about an hour. After I was done I came back upstairs and my wife was sitting in the kitchen, which was right above where I had been in the basement, and she was in a chair crying. When I opened the door for the basement she looked up and didn’t say a word. Neither did I, then I took a shower and laid down and slept about 3 hours. It was best sleep I had had since before d-day. After I woke up, my wife asked if I was ok, which would always piss me off, because I was NEVER OK!  She said you were hitting that bag so hard the whole house was shaking. My only response was “it’s cheaper to hit that bag than to pay a criminal defense attorney”.  At this point she was really stating to grasp the level of devastation she had unleashed upon me. 

I tell you all all of this, so that you know without a doubt that:

1. You’re NOT alone.
2. You’re NOT crazy.
3. You’re NOT weak.
4. What you are going through is terribly unfair, unjustifiable, but what you are feeling is “normal” in these traumatic events. 

I can tell you that it DOES get easier. It DOES get better. The pain won’t feel this way forever. Your rage won’t be as high forever. The IS a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don’t see it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
Perfectly stated, Keep.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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hurting
Tobefree, what you are going through is (unfortunately) normal. I remember this. The darkness. Some days I would just lie on a heap on the floor and scream and cry. I didn’t understand why I could even stand to think about giving him a chance. 

It will get better. It will depend in part on what he does, but it doesn’t have to. It can depend on you. But I have to stress- don’t put pressure on yourself to be ‘better’. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be moving forward. Give yourself space to NOT be ok. Let yourself be sad and broken for a time. I feel like if I had tried to force myself out of that, I would not have done justice to the hurt and pain that I was suffering. It is normal. And it’s ok to not be ok! 

I know you don’t feel like it, but make yourself eat. Go for walks and discover new areas. Take a nice hot bath. Go do some exercise. It will take monumental effort, but these things will be good for you. It won’t feel like it, you may want to cry while doing these things. Honestly? I think that’s fine too. 

There is an end to the darkness. I don’t know when it will come for you, but gradually, you will have seconds long periods where you are ok. Then minutes long. Minutes will become hours, then become days. I am finally at the days stage, 20 months in. I remember thinking at 2 months in that I would feel so much better by 12 months. I did, and I didn’t. I wasn’t whole again, but I wasn’t overwhelmed by darkness on a second to second basis. Take and acknowledge these small wins, and you will get there.
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TheFarmGirl
All of what keepabuzz and hurting said way more eloquently than I ever could.  All the pain, the hurt, the anger, whatever. It will be. I detest the person I  now, but I’m coming to terms with how I feel, how I am. I am not the person I was before... I am realizing I may never be that person again. Who knows. I guess im a bit of an a$$ hole nowadays. I’m trying to be okay with that while I figure out the new normal. (Also, it’s my A hole WS that calls me all the bad names, and puts me down, so I have my own muck to wade through, ha). 
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Keepabuzz
TheFarmGirl wrote:
All of what keepabuzz and hurting said way more eloquently than I ever could.  All the pain, the hurt, the anger, whatever. It will be. I detest the person I  now, but I’m coming to terms with how I feel, how I am. I am not the person I was before... I am realizing I may never be that person again. Who knows. I guess im a bit of an a$$ hole nowadays. I’m trying to be okay with that while I figure out the new normal. (Also, it’s my A hole WS that calls me all the bad names, and puts me down, so I have my own muck to wade through, ha). 


Your WS calls YOU bad names??? 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
Oh hell no! He doesn’t get to call YOU names. You get to call HIM every name in the book, then make up some new ones and repeat!! All HE gets to do if you so feel inclined to unleash whatever you want to call him on him, is sit and take it. 

Yes I know it’s not healthy or constructive necessarily to do so. But if your pain and hurt demands that you tell him exactly what you think of him (however many times you need to do it), I think you have the right to do so. HE on the other hand, has absolutely NO right to be calling you nasty names!
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hurting
Oh hell no! He doesn’t get to call YOU names. You get to call HIM every name in the book, then make up some new ones and repeat!! All HE gets to do if you so feel inclined to unleash whatever you want to call him on him, is sit and take it. 

Yes I know it’s not healthy or constructive necessarily to do so. But if your pain and hurt demands that you tell him exactly what you think of him (however many times you need to do it), I think you have the right to do so. HE on the other hand, has absolutely NO right to be calling you nasty names!

Gosh. I think if he had had the audacity to call me nasty names, I would’ve ripped him a new one, kicked him in the nuts and been out the door in the next second!
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