In my personal experience it was a combination of multiple things.
How quickly my husband could get his head out of his behind and start being part of the solution rather than the problem. Time - while time will NOT do all the healing for you, it does help. You are in the early, early part of this disaster. You are still clearing the rubble and putting out the fires. And you can't start the rebuilding until all that is done. It sucks, but there is NO fast tracking your way out of the pain. (at least that I found) Self-care. I know self-care is hard. But the more you can do it, the quicker you get better. Ever had a bad physical injury that required PT? it hurts like hell, and no one wants to do it. But the only way to get well is to DO IT. I wasn't perfect about this. Sometimes I ate crappy food or nown at all, sometimes I couldn't bring myself to do anything. But I knew that it was the one element of my healing I had 100% control of. So I took whatever limited energy I had and spent it on ME. Not the marriage at first. That came later. In the beginning I used all my time and attention to heal myself I found that gentle exercise I enjoyed really helped me sleep better, reduced the stress hormones in my system and activated the "feel good" hormones in my system. It ALWAYS paid dividends. My favorites were dance class (because I love to dance) or walking in nature with a positive audiobook in my ear. I also found that lack of food caused my blood sugar to plummet - which made me feel bad. I already felt bad. This was kicking me while I was down. So I juiced for myself when I had the energy - and bought healthy veggie juices, protein smoothies, etc. for when all I could muster was stirring something. Still better than nothing or something that was so unhealthy I felt worse for eating it. I also took supplements known for reducing stress hormones in the body and listened to self-hypnosis recording for stress reduction and peace. Like TheFarmGirl I used EMDR to reduce triggers that were causing full-on panic attacks. If you read many of my posts you will find that I did a LOT more self-care than that. But it built on itself. Each bit of self-care gave me a little more energy for the next bit... and so on. I really, really, really wish I could tell you a way to feel better right now. I remember the feeling you are experiencing VERY WELL. Unfortunately, as best I can tell, the only way to the other side is THROUGH the pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Do not tell yourself that you are weak or should be doing better. Just feel it, and then try to see it as a passing storm. Even if you are in the rainy season right now and the storms come relentlessly... eventually the rainy season passes. This will too - and the more you can do for yourself, the more prepared to enjoy that sunshine you will be when it comes. I am three years out from DD and I am happy and peaceful about 95% of the time. I still have triggers or moments of fear. But they are infrequent. And they pass like an afternoon storm. Every 6 months will be better than the last 6 months - not as MUCH better as you may want - but it will be better. Especially if you can stay focused on the thing that matters the most - rebuilding YOU first, then your marriage. Sending lots and lots of virtual hugs.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl