tobefree
I was wondering if you can share with me your decision process as to how you decided to either stay and work on the relationship or ending it? And whichever you picked, can you tell me if it was worth it (plus anything else you would like to share)? 

Thank you in advance!
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ThrivenotSurvive
There wasn't one decision.  There were many along the way.  

DD happened because I had noticed that my husband was acting very odd towards me and in general. You can read some of my other threads to get more of our story, but the Reader Digest version is that for financial reasons he had taken a long term contract that caused him to basically live in another state for a little under two years.  While his job had often caused him to travel for weeks at a time, it was rarely more than a 2-6 weeks with long stretches at home in between.  We had always been very close and loving (dated on and off since we were 13 and 14 - got together again at 19 and 20 and been together every since.) He hated the time apart and wanted me to join him, but I was helping my parents and our daughter at the time with situations that they were struggling with.  During the last year of his time there, he and a co-worker began hanging out as friends - which led to an on/off affair for the last 10 months.  During the last few months before he came home I had noticed a difference in the way he interacted with me.  He found fault with me in ways he NEVER had in 25+ years together and seemed very uncomfortable in his own skin whenever we were around each other (short visits.)  Once the contract ended and he came home, it was clear something was off. 

After about 2 weeks of trying to reconnect and everything feeling very awkward and strange between us, I finally just straight up asked him what was going on.  He had been really struggling with the dishonesty (it was easier when he wasn't having to look me in the eye very often and he could  keep the worlds separate) - so he just blurted it out, surprising both him and me.  He was extremely confused because when it had started he'd always thought it was going to be a very short term thing that would end when he came home and be tucked away in a box  in his head.  It never occurred to him that the guilt would make it nearly impossible to connect at a deep level with me, or that it wouldn't be easy for either him or the AP to stop the relationship on a dime.  He really had sold himself a story where they'd enjoy their time together and then move on at the end of the contract (no fuss, no muss.) He's normally an intelligent man but when it comes to emotions and life... well not so much - clearly.  

I went straight to divorce.  My feelings for him shut down and I couldn't even remember why I'd ever loved him.  Even though when he blurted it out he didn't seem to know what he wanted, within 24 hours he was asking if we could work it out.  If I would consider staying.  While I said no, I think a part of me wanted him to fight for me, for us.  When he seemed resigned to my decision it made me even more hurt and angry.  For him, he thought it was inevitable that there was no way forward - that I'd never be able to forgive him.  

Then something unexpected happened.  The job that was supposed to be done had a revision - and he needed to go back for a short period.  This was about four days after DD.  He'd be working side-by-side with the AP again.  I was still in the divorce mindset and told him to go - he could consider himself single and that I would as well (I'd taken my wedding ring off at this point).  He was gone 10 days.  This time is still a painful memory for me - and yet I believe it was a critical turning point for us.  Without the source of my pain and anger in front of me, I was able to reflect on my marriage - it's strengths and weaknesses - and what I really wanted going forward.  During this time was when I realized that I might not be ready to walk away.  And he had to face the reality of what he'd done and what it was about to lead to.  Everything looked different.  Suddenly he was looking at the AP and his choices from a different perspective.  It had seemed like a good "add-on".  But now it was going to be the only thing he had left.  He was horrified.  He exchanged something of immense value for something that he didn't even want long term.  He realized that he was on a road he didn't want to travel.  There is a lot more to the story, but suffice to say, we both went on a journey of self-discovery in those 10 days.  We both came back from it committed to TRYING. 

I don't think either of us was sure that it could ever be good again, but we knew we had to give it a shot before walking away.  And in our case, I am so glad we did.  We are in a really, really good place  But please understand, it was a VERY LONG, HARD road to get there.  It has been suggested that it might be easier to just get a divorce and start over with someone new that you have no history with BECAUSE this road is so difficult.  And frankly, it may well be in MANY cases.  

There were a lot of things that went into my decision to try: 

1.  First - I needed to know he was really committed to rebuilding for the right reasons (not to save face, not to use me as a bridge to repair his reltionship with our daughter, etc.).  I had no desire to "keep" him if he didn't want to be there.  I wanted to be deeply loved and cherished - and was committed to offering that in return.  If that was how he felt about me but had lost sight of it amidst all the hardships of the past years, that was something we could work with and learn to safeguard and protect in the future.  But if not, for ME, it wasn't worth rebuilding.  I know many other people may make different choices and I support that.  But for ME, I knew it would never be enough for us to be good friends and partners.  I needed and wanted a deep love connection.  I had no idea if I could ever be that vulnerable with him again - but I was willing to try - IF, and only if, I was what he really wanted and was willing to work hard to achieve.  

So I asked him to search his soul and figure out what he wanted.  He could be with me but only if he wanted to be the kind of partner I wanted. 

He could leave and be with her (or with someone else), and that was okay too.  He didn't need to feel guilty about that choice, because I would be okay.  i was giving him an out.  But then he would be the father of my child, nothing more.  I would move to create a life without him and he would have no part in it other than where it came to our daughter.  Maybe someday 10 years from now we could be friends, but I was making no promises. 

I made it clear that I felt I deserved to be happy and in a relationship that was supportive and honest.  And that I was going to move towards that - with or without him.  I told him that I loved him deeply and hoped it would be with him (this was hard because I hated being vulnerable - but it was also true and I decided truth had to win out over my ego).  However, I also loved and valued myself - and I owed it to myself to not settle for less than I was worth.  And I would not model less to our daughter either. 

This was NOT a ploy.  It was the plain, honest truth.  I was also clear that I had NO idea if it would work.  I could make no promises that I would get over it or that our relationship could/world survive.  The only thing I could promise is that I would TRY - that I would do everything in my power to heal myself and to rebuild our marriage. 

2.   While he was doing his soul-searching - I was doing a lot of my own.  I forced myself to take a very cold, hard look at my marriage and my husband.  To evaluate it with a far more discerning eye.  I also made myself look at my own reasons for wanting to stay.  Was it for love?  If so, was it a healthy love - did it give more than it took the vast majority of the time?  Was it to save face?  To not feel like a failure?  on and on... I was unrelenting with myself and him.  I questioned EVERYTHING.  Slowly, I came to be sure of only a few things.  That I loved my husband and that the vast majority of our marriage HAD been healthy and happy.  That he - and the marriage itself - had given more than it had taken.  It wasn't perfect - but it had made me feel happy, confident and loved for more than 80% of the time. 

However, I was equally sure that I would never be able to trust my husband again unless he unraveled the thinking that had let him make this choice - and learn a LOT of emotional skills he'd previously lacked.  In short - he had to go to therapy - and I had to SEE real changes in specific areas of our life together.  Or no matter how much I wanted to move forward together, it would be impossible. 

So I sat him down and told him exactly that.  I also told him that I knew he might choose not to do it.  He had adamantly rejected it in the past even when it was clear that he needed it.  And I had relented.  II hadn't wanted to be "controlling."  This time I told him - if you don't, I can't stay.  This isn't about punishing you or controlling you - it is about MY SAFETY and PEACE.  Nothing more.  I can't wait for the next time the voices in your head get so loud that you act out in some way.  You either make peace with your voices in a way that I can FEEL and SEE - or I am out.  This is non-negotiable. 

3.  Even once I was clear why I wanted to try, and what my boundaries for this were.... AND he'd determined that he was 100% committed to rebuilding and not only agreed to my boundaries, but started taking active measures to meet them - I still couldn't commit 100%.  Because these weren't changes that were going to take place overnight in him.  Nor would I have any way of knowing if I'd really be able to forgive him or trust him enough to open to the kind of deep love I desired for quite a while.  At first this uncertainly nearly drove me mad. 

But somewhere on this forum someone (I think it was KeepaBuzz) suggested setting a timeframe (6 months) where you didn't have to decide. That made sense to me.  I would actually set an alarm in my phone.  When the fear would come and I'd begin to worry that I was wasting my time and his... I'd remind myself that it wasn't time to make a decision yet.  When my alarm went off, I looked back at the last 6 month to see if we'd made any progress.  I searched my soul to see what I wanted more - to leave or stay.  Since I still wanted to stay (and we were making progress) but were still a LONG way from ideal, I chose to set another alarm for another six months.  Just after 20 months (the third 6 month period) I realized we'd made so much progress that I was fully committed again.  

But it took THAT long before I stopped setting alarms.  And that was only because both my husband and I separately, and together, had worked REALLY hard - on ourselves (first) and on our relationship (throughout - but more after we addressed our core issues individually - my trauma and his unraveling his real reasons why.)

If he hadn't surprised the heck out of me and actually finally stopped running away from himself and instead dove deep into his own head to sort out his issues... I might well still be setting alarms.  Or be gone. 

There is only so much WE, as BSs, can (or even should) do to save the marriage .  A marriage is a two person job and if one person is unwilling to do their part it will not survive long term - or if it does the other partner will be very, very unhappy.  No way to live. 

There is a LOT more that I suggest for YOUR specific journey.  To make sure you heal with or without your husband.  But this is long enough and I hope I've answered your specific question.  

And last but not least - I am VERY happy we decided to stay together.  I am really enjoying life (3 years+ post DD) and my husband has done a great job of continuing to become more loving, more kind and more compassionate.  I actually LIKE and LOVE the person he is today more than the boy I originally fell in love with. I hate how we got here - but I still love the place we are at.  Our relationship makes me feel loved and supported.  I realize that there is a risk that some day he will fail me again and I will regret those words - but I take that risk loving anyone.  And I feel that the changes I have witnessed in him have been very real and true, so in an odd way - I think I may be safer in his hands now than I have ever been.  Maybe even safer than in someone's hands that has never faced their demons and learned to tame them.  

PS - While this is a happy ending, I still feel the need to reiterate it was a VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY long road with a BOATLOAD of work on both our parts to get here.  Only unwavering commitment on BOTH sides can lead to this outcome together.  But it is very possible to achieve the same happy place on your own if your partner is unwilling or unable.  Don't lose sight of that.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BorealJ
For me, I wanted to run but my young kids kept me from doing so.  I didn't decide to stay, I just didn't decide to go.  Also, advice on here and in the recovery room podcasts suggested I didn't need to make that decision right away.  I started exploring the reasons to make a commitment to trying.  The best ones were that my wife and I are really good parents together, the circumstances around the affair were substantial (life and job insecurities that led to major anxiety and depression in my wife) and therefore it was easy to see it as an expression of illness that maybe could be overcome, and even if it didn't feel hopeful, the literature and places like this showed a model whereby something better was indeed attainable.  It was worth making an appointment to see if we could get on the right path towards that.  Lots of road bumps along the way.  The point that I made a commitment to my marriage is when I saw my wife working in counseling on real change within herself. 
It was worth it.  I think even if it didn't work out in the relationship, the personal work we've both done is of great benefit to us individually and would have served us well as parents in separation.  I certainly wouldn't have chosen this route here, but there are elements expressed in our relationship now that were always absent in our relationship. Some things I have longed for for the entirety of our relationship have started to show up.  We move in and out of intimacy still.  But when we are at our best, we can sustain intimacy for quite a while.  And when we move out of the intimate state, we eventually notice and we correct course 
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ThrivenotSurvive
@BorealJ made two good points that I forgot to mention but DID play into my decision.  First, there was a LOT going on in our lives that provided context to the choices my husband made.  It didn't excuse it because I had been dealing with many of the same ones - but I knew how much I had struggled to stay on the right path, so it was easier to see how my husband could have lost his way.  

Also, I 100% think it would have been worth trying, even if we hadn't stayed together.  We both grew a lot and after about 6-12 months it had allowed enough healing that we could have co-parented better.  I had at least been able to see and feel his remorse which helped to redeem him somewhat in my eyes.  And even more importantly, it allowed him time to begin to do the deep repair work with our daughter that needed to be done (she'd have cut him out of her life to a large degree had we not stayed together right then.) 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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seventy7
In my experience, the choice was rather simple. I grew up in a home where divorce was not an option. I was surrounded by loving parents, whom prided themselves on being great role models and provided for their family. I wanted the same. After I found out about my wife's betrayal, I sought the advice of my father, who I greatly respect. That is when the bombshell was dropped on me...My dad had cheated on my mother when my brother and I were very young. My mom found out and rather than giving up and moving out, she decided to stay and fight for what she wanted. My Dad told me that they sought counseling together and built a marriage founded in love and honesty, and they had the perfect relationship after that. I would have given anything to be able to talk to my mother right then and there, to seek her advice as well, unfortunately she lost her battle with cancer several years ago. After talking with my Dad, I knew immediately what I wanted. I wanted my wife, I wanted our family, so I chose to stay and fight...just like my mom did.  

It hasn't been easy, in fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have wanted to walk away several times...I have wanted to end my life...I have wanted to just disappear...but not more than I wanted my wife. She put in the work, she made real change, she made every effort to make me feel safe again. 

With that said, would I do it all over again? NOPE, I would throw her out with yesterdays garbage. I will never go through this again, and she knows that. 

I agree with what Bo said also - it was worth it, the positive changes made in both myself and my wife have helped us not only as a couple, but parents as well.
Male BS
Married 17 years
D-Day 11/1/2017
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hurting
I didn’t choose. That was my choice for a long time. I was ambivalent. I wanted to leave and I knew if he continued the affair, I WOULD go. But he got down on his knees and begged. He wanted to try. So I chose to not choose yet and just see how things went. I think it’s because I too, came from a family and upbringing where divorce wasn’t really an option. So although I knew it was a choice I was well justified in making, I paused and considered my options. I knew I wasn’t quite ready to let go. Yet I was absolutely disgusted with what he had done and how he had treated me. I was conflicted. So I moved out and chose to see what he would do. 

There were plenty of ups and downs- more downs than ups at first. There was the trickle truth. The lies. The omissions. Downplaying the whole thing. 

I’m sure a lot of it has to do with my WS’s instinct to minimise what he had done (coward). He was scared I would go if he told the truth. Unfortunately the lies had the opposite effect. Each lie drove me further away. Each lie undermined us further. 

I suppose we got to a point where i had enough of a picture of what had happened, and he tried to answer questions but couldn’t remember the majority of the details I asked (and obviously didn’t want to remember) where I figured the picture finally made sense. More or less. To the point where I had enough of a gist of what/where/when.  During this time, he gradually started to ‘get it’ more. I finally saw him start to change for real. 

At the start of this mess, he would claim he was changed. A different person. Completely changed from the old him. It was all BS. He knew I would only stay if he changed, so he tried to fake it or do it superficially. But the real him- the immature, selfish cowardly person was still there. Maybe it was a matter of faking it till he made it? Change does take time afterall. 

So I would say I didn’t make a choice to stay. I made many choices to wait and see. But ONLY because he was certain HE wanted to change and try. If he hadn’t been, I would’ve been out. As it was no matter how much he claimed to want this, it took a long time before possibly leaving was off the table. 

I started seeing real change started probably around 10-12 months post d-day. It has improved since. He still needs to continue working on himself to improve, but I can look at him now and say he has come a LONG way. I can also say I’m here to stay. I’m no longer ambivalent. I have chosen. We have bought a new house together, and we are looking tentatively at building the next stage of our lives together. 

BUT!

Would I do this again? Hell no. Like I’ve said to him before- if he shows ANY signs of changing back into the immature selfish cowardly person he used to be? I’m GONE. I don’t need him to cheat again to leave. I will leave if I don’t feel safe, and he doesn’t keep me as his priority. I’ve already paid FAR too high a price. I will never do so again. It has been a long, painful DIFFICULT road. And it is far from over, 20 months post d-day. I only started seeing a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel in the last few months. This is not an easy path to tread. By far the easier thing to have done would’ve been to leave.
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Keepabuzz
I wanted to leave, or more accurately make her leave. I told my wife on d-day to get out and go live with her former AP. She cried, begged, told me over and over again that she didn’t want that. I told her I could not care less about what “she” wanted. I want nothing more than to instantly excise her from my life. I would have done exactly that, except we had 4 kids. I grew up in multiple broken homes and never wanted that for my kids. So for my kids sake, like said by others, I chose to not decide. I set a timeline of 6 months. I would stay for 6 months, before I would consider the decision again AS LONG AS none of my boundaries were violated. If she had contacted him even once, my next stop was my lawyers office and she knew it. 

At 6 months, I felt no better, and only wanted to leave. But she was trying very hard. So again, I gave another 6 months. I did this time and time again until about 2.5 years. Then I decided to stay long term WITH STIPULATIONS. I’m now just over 4 years out from d-day. I’m still now healed. Although I’ve come a long way. She has not once violated any of my boundaries. A few months ago we got into an argument. Nothing major just a disagreement. But when those things happen, it makes me want to leave and I told her that. She said it was unfair of me. That leaving should no longer be on the table. This triggered my anger, and I screamed at her that leaving will ALWAYS be on the table for me!  I will never commit to her to never leave, not again. Like Hurting said, she doesn’t need to cheat for me to leave. If I feel unsafe, or taken for granted, or not a priority, or not cared for, etc. I AM OUT.  I will stand by that until my last breath.  I will NEVER go through this again, this literally almost took my life, and without a doubt taken years off it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JORGE
First time being cheated on I didn't know what hit me. It was like an emotional concussion. I tried to nice her back until I met with my pastor and he asked why are you doing that. The mere fact that a pastor questioned my reasoning was enough to reset my way of handling it. I had been trying like hell to be accepted but my pastor's words, her taking my phone calls and not ever responding to any small or meaningful talk (complete silence on her end) and the time when I went over her apartment, she met me outside, wouldn't let me come in and when I hugged her, she kept her arms dropped straight down. Not a even a fake hug. Just refused to embrace. I got it. No contact for 3 months. She calls me and asks forgiveness, yada, yada, yada. I had so much energy and effort into reconciling I had nothing left to resume it at that point. More importantly, I didn't want her anymore, as it turns out. 

Second time. I was still stunned and oddly had ignored the signs even though I had gone through it 3-4 years earlier. I ignored the signs because I thought it was not even possible she would cheat. Either way, took a while to realize she wasn't returning my calls and was never home. Took 3 weeks to confirm the trend and I went no contact. Lasted 3 months. She initiates contact and pretends the previous 3 were never happened????? Agreed to meet with her for a pre-Christmas meet at a restaurant, as I wasn't going to her place. My plan was to grill her until I got the truth. It took 1 hour and 45 minutes for her to confess. With it being the second time, my toleration was nill. 

Tears flowed, but I was undeterred. I was immediately indifferent (self defense) yet cordial as I knew I was done. Too cordial though, as I agreed to accompany her to a New Years Eve party and could not even look her in the eyes the entire night. That is when I knew I was completely done. I could barely give her a peck at midnight. That was the last I saw of her for another six months or so. The end was ugly and all my fault. I could't stand the sight of her crying and begging me to stay. When I say beg, I'm not using that term as a throw away. She was pleading for months. Again, I was gone. Met my current wife in June and that was all she wrote.
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Bgreen
I echo what others have said, it’s not a single decision. I never kicked WH out, I never left and I’ve stayed in the marriage since, but I’ve thought of leaving 100 times.  In the first days I decided to stay partly for the children and partly because I was so in love with him still, and partly because I was paralyzed by shock. 

I did read a lot in the beginning about what to do, and much that I read said to stay and let them see your pain, let the WS be witness to your suffering. That did resonate with me. I don’t know if that was right or not but I did, and he definitely saw me suffer. I do think it helped him realize what he did more than if I had kicked him out. 

I stayed because I love him and he did and is doing everything I have asked and demanded. I would never tolerate another affair. Even a close call and I would be gone.  But was it worth staying? I still struggle daily but yes, It was, i still love my marriage and I feel like we are getting better not by bit, and I think we will find a place where we are happier than before. 
Female, BS 18 months post DDay
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TheFarmGirl
So I’m about 15 months from D day. 

I would have left him without blinking if we didn’t have a child. That is mostly the only reason we are still together.   

He cheated about 5 years ago. Supposedly didn’t have sex because the thing had herpes. I found out about some sort of secret relationship at that time between them- he was making up work excuses to stay with her. We had a huge blowout about that and I thought we recovered and he understood the gravity of that betrayal and agreed to never ever communicate with her again. 

Fast forward to last year. I found out he was romancing and cheating with someone. He had lied to me about going surfing and not told me about a job he took after hours so he could spend time with her. He cut ofc contact after I found out. 

Now, it’s been over a year. Like many, I have tried to move in 6 month increments. I have hated him most of this time, but he has put in efforts to improve himself. We have agreements on certain stuff, like I need to be able to track his phone when I want to. We had a major blowout about this today... I had been lax on asking him to turn it on (he keeps it off unless I nag), because I had a dozen family members in town the last week. I think he felt some freedom and was making plans. Today I asked him to turn it on before coming home from work and he got incredibly angry and furious at me and said he would no longer be using the phone tracker and would be going surfing whenever he wanted (how he covered for much of his affair time). 

Im really fed up. Fool me once, but this is the third+ time... I  am the idiot here for allowing him to treat me like dirt. I have been trying so hard to keep our family together for our sons sake, but my (soon to be ex) husband does not respect me in the slightest. He pays the bills, but gosh, he sure can rip the rug out from underneath me at a moments notice. I had even been doing well and feeling good about life lately. Then poof!! All the pain is back, because he is hiding something and may be cheating again. I’m an idiot for putting myself through this, but like I said- I would have left him and never looked back if it weren’t for our child. 
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TheFarmGirl
*I skipped the part that I found out with the new betrayal that he was still in constant communication with the ick from five years ago, Lewd photos and all that entails. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
I am so sorry @TheFarmGirl - but at least you know that you did everything you could.  But enough is enough.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
Farmgirl,

If he keeps turning off the phone tracking, then there IS a reason. At least now your path is clear. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
I agree. Enough is enough. You have tried and tried to save this and give your child a whole family. The problem is, a family may be ‘whole’ on the surface. Superficially, without a divorce. But do you really want your child growing up thinking that how he treats you is normal? That it’s ok to treat your spouse the way he does you? 

My WS came from a family like that. His dad cheated. His mum stayed for the sake of the kids. They never told the kids. He became a cheater and treated me the way his dad treated his mum. Selfish, with no thought of anyone other than himself and whatever he wanted to do. This was partly in how he was raised. He never saw any other example. He didn’t know his dad cheated till after he had to tell his parents what he did. But he remembers how his dad was never around. How his mum would be unexplainably angry. How she would lash out. How his dad brushed her off. How he was not accountable. I’m not sure they did my WS and his brother any good by staying together tbh.

I have told my WS to his face- if we ever have a child, it would be my greatest failing if they should turn out the way he was. I have told my parents who keep asking- I would rather not have children than bring one into a broken empty and unstable relationship. This makes it hard as I am getting to an age where I NEED to be thinking of these things... yet another fine example of what my WS took away from me with his poor life choices.
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Sadie
My decision process was very knee jerk.   I found enough evidence to know that it had gone too far.   I woke him up after he’d had only 2hrs of sleep and verbally attacked him.   He gave me very wrong answer in the book, so I walked.   I went to the bank, drained the account and went looking for a new place to live, him texting and calling constantly, me ignoring it all.   I signed a lease that day for a year.   I knew that even if we reconciled, it was going to take at least that long.
    Later that night after he got out of work and shockingly came straight home from work, we talked.  At first on just how the bills would be split up and how he was going to help me move.    Then FINALLY he started saying SOME of the things I needed to hear, so I started to consider to at least stay in contact with him.    
     I still moved out.   He was working really really hard to get me back.   I decided to move back after 6 months.   Not, actually to reconcile, but because he sucks at finances and my credit was getting skewed because of it.   The house was in both our names.  It needed a new furnace.   He had finally gotten his drunken sister and brother in law out of the house-who would always attempt to verbally abuse me in their drunken state.  It is a big house and we worked opposite shifts, so I felt ok moving back and US working on getting the house in good sellable condition.
   We were doing well.  I was opening up my heart again—until I discovered he was still in contact with “tits McGhee”.   😡.  Then I started to get the real truth of it all.    
     So much of a rollercoaster since then.  It’s weird that after 2nd dday, I chose more then to stay and stick it out and for us to do the work, but also, by then I found this site and we were reading books, watching webcasts.   Before then, I was flying blind.
      Now, just a little after 1 year post dday 2, I think more often about leaving.   Then again, he also went off his happy pills and it’s mostly his negative attitude towards life in general that is influencing my thoughts on leaving.   I guess you could say that I am in the limbo stage.
      I have forgiven him for the affair.  I have NOT forgiven him for the constant lying.   
We have been in each other’s lives for 35 years now. We are comfortable with each other.   I hate living alone.   
I also hate the idea of living with someone else.
oh yeah....then there is that whole pesky love thing.   There’s still that, somehow.  For both of us. 

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