I'm struggling with the WS feeling of disconnect from the marriage as a justification too. I know my marriage was in a less than perfect place when all this happened. My husband and I weren't giving each other or the marriage the attention it deserved. We have young kids, jobs, financial problems, all the typical problems and excuses of folks our age. I was feeling neglected and unappreciated too. Yet, I didn't go out and have an affair. Not even close. I didn't even find friendship or companionship in someone else. I accepted it as a part of marriage. There are bad times that you just have to wade through knowing there are better times ahead. As the saying goes "this too shall pass." My husband, instead of talking to me or trying to show me more affection to bring us back together, chose to go find "love" elsewhere and destroy me. DESTROY me, DESTROY our family. That may not be the case in all affairs, but I have a feeling many will feel the same. This isn't meant as an attack on WS's. But, the whole notion that you were driven to this by actions or inactions of your spouse, well, quite frankly it is a line of bs to me. You had a lot of other choices in how to handle those feelings of detachment and loneliness. Our marriage had problems, yes. But that is in no way at all a justification or excuse or even explanation for what he did. To me, it boils down to maturity. I saw the problems and faced them with maturity. He saw the problems and acted like a spoiled child not getting his way. So what do I want from my WS? I want him to grow up and start facing problems like an adult.
I understand, it's crazy to know that running away is easier.the problems will get worse not go away. Same with our marriage it wasn't perfect but if he would of just talked to me. I think about how much effort it took to start something new and keep up with the lies. Why couldn't that effort be put into making our marriage better? I don't understand it either. My husbands affair is emotional and physical and even though he told her he can't do it anymore , I have a feeling he will see her again. He is mourning the loss, he was supposed to be with her Saturday but he ended up coming home which surprised me. I didn't expect that he would because he was supposed to be with her. I hope he turns over a new leaf but I'm scared to ask him because I'm afraid he will change his mind if I say anything. I'm sorry it's super hard but we are strong. We can do this with out them if we need to.