flipperfive
After four months of couple counseling with a not so good psychologist WH's affair was admitted. This was the third affair over our 13 year marriage. He has now left our five kids and I and is trying to balance his long hours job, seeing out of town OW and seeing the kids and is clearly struggling with knowing where to head. He doesn't think we are compatible and doesn't think continuing in our marriage is right for him but on the other hand he is not breaking away properly with daily dropping into our home for one reason or another. He is the one who has caused the pain but he seems to be the one in the most pain as I am the one who is getting on with life and adapting to the changes that need to be made. I have told WH I would like to work through this as a couple but will not go back to the marriage we had only on to a better marriage but he is not in a place to want to do this at this stage. How do I best support WH as he makes choices (not necessarily reconciliation but with the best direction for his life). It is so easy for me to see his continuing to see OW is confusing him and putting extra pressure on him but he can't see that yet? Does he need to hit rock bottom before his decisions become more clear to him?
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Negarcia
Flipper

He is obviously struggling and by being allowed to go to your home any time probably gives him the sense of normalcy. Just like my husband he is probably not ready to admit he made a mistake. How have the kids taken his absence? Do they know you guys are separated? Have you talked to him about his daily drop ins? Even though it's hard have you tried being stricter with him on his visiting times?

He needs to understand that he chose this and if you are supposed to get on with your lives he needs to step back and evaluate what he wants but it's easier said than done right... my husband didn't care how he made us feel, but one day something clicked, I stil don't know what that was but he now knows how much he has treated us with disrespect. I still believe my husband needs to go to IC in order to see his issues that have nothing to do with our marriage but he's hasn't made the step to go yet. My girls did tell him they wanted nothing to do with him anymore because he chose everything else before them. They are 10 and 8. I know that was hard for him but they need to hear the truth not just thier justifications.
I am sorry you are going through this.
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flipperfive
Thanks Negarcia for your reply.

Yes, the kids know we have separated. Sometimes WH will call in as he is in the area (quite often it is when most of the kids are at school) or alternatively because he misses the kids or is taking them to an activity like swimming lessons. The kids aged 3 to 9 years had differing responses to his leaving which was largely age dependant but generally speaking they were upset and blindsided as it all came out of the blue for them as our marriage is very amicable and there wasn't really any tension they saw.
I have tried to make him understand this is my place now and he has made his choice but it doesn't seem to be hitting home but then his history says he has boundary issues. It's hard because I do like chatting with him so don't really mind him around although I can't reconcile myself to his choices and decision making processes and I know I should put my foot down more but I'd like to keep things amiable as it is easier to work things out together than if we are fighting with each other.
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Guiltguilt
If he's feeling the pain now that you're getting on with your life, I reckon there's a chance. I'd resigned myself to the probability of no reconciliation. Business like relations have worked here. She has shown me compassion at different times where she need not have.

It's 12 months out and my BS turned up today to pick our daughter up wearing her engagement and wedding rings. I couldn't be happier. There's still a long way to go though.
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flipperfive
Thanks Guiltguilt
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Negarcia
Guiltguilt wrote:
If he's feeling the pain now that you're getting on with your life, I reckon there's a chance. I'd resigned myself to the probability of no reconciliation. Business like relations have worked here. She has shown me compassion at different times where she need not have.

It's 12 months out and my BS turned up today to pick our daughter up wearing her engagement and wedding rings. I couldn't be happier. There's still a long way to go though.


That's great guilt. I'm so happy for you.
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Negarcia
flipperfive wrote:
Thanks Negarcia for your reply.

Yes, the kids know we have separated. Sometimes WH will call in as he is in the area (quite often it is when most of the kids are at school) or alternatively because he misses the kids or is taking them to an activity like swimming lessons. The kids aged 3 to 9 years had differing responses to his leaving which was largely age dependant but generally speaking they were upset and blindsided as it all came out of the blue for them as our marriage is very amicable and there wasn't really any tension they saw.
I have tried to make him understand this is my place now and he has made his choice but it doesn't seem to be hitting home but then his history says he has boundary issues. It's hard because I do like chatting with him so don't really mind him around although I can't reconcile myself to his choices and decision making processes and I know I should put my foot down more but I'd like to keep things amiable as it is easier to work things out together than if we are fighting with each other.


Flipper
I agree that getting along is better than fighting and I also liked talking to my husband but the day I decided to put my foot down and stopped answering his calls and he only talked to the kids it killed him inside. He told me he would rather me yell at him then give him the silent treatment.
I know you are trying to be civil but some advice I got on here from Kal was that you are allowing him to feel like he has the upper hand in a way by letting him still live the norm by talking to you the way you used to and to not have those boundries. It was hard for me but I set those boundries for myself not for him and it gave me such peace of mind knowing that I could do it on my own and also be strong for the kids and I. Remember that this is something he decides to do to your family, why allow him to have sooo much control? I know the kids have a big part in it and it's great he's involved with them but you need to set those boundries that he needs to learn to follow for your own good.
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