AHmember113
Every milestone the first year is horrific. I wish I could tell you that the new measure for every memory, discussion, picture, event, etc. won’t always be before, during, or after the affair but for me it still is, 15 months after d-day.

If I were to give advice to the unfaithful spouse about milestones it would be to go over and above with celebrations, gifts, words, and distractions. Start and end the day with an apology and state the intent to do all you can to make up for the holidays, birthdays, and memories that were and will always stay stolen from the betrayed spouse. If that sounds like overkill and unfair then consider the unfairness and deceit exhibited to the betrayed spouse during the affair. Years were taken away from me that I can never get back.
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TimT
AHmember113 wrote:
...If I were to give advice to the unfaithful spouse about milestones it would be to go over and above with celebrations, gifts, words, and distractions. Start and end the day with an apology and state the intent to do all you can to make up for the holidays, birthdays, and memories that were and will always stay stolen from the betrayed spouse...

This response would be beneficial & healing under 2 conditions: (1) the affair lasted at least a year and impacted all those special days and (2) the betrayed spouse is open to attempts to celebrate those days. Each couple's experience is a little different and there are some BS's who feel little affect of the affair on major events and others who want a year of "buffer" before any attempt to recognize them is made. 

But your encouragement to unfaithful spouse's is probably ALWAYS a good intent. They should be willing to go to great lengths to reclaim these celebrations for their marriage. If they let their spouse know their intent and have the green light to do so, go for it!

This leads me to think about a caution I give to betrayed spouses who are in the discovery phase (figuring out the truth about the affair). There is often great curiosity surrounding the ways an affair may have intruded on things like Christmas, birthdays, etc. But I have witnessed the turmoil caused by the knowledge of these details long after the affair is over. IMO, it is much better, if possible, to avoid the kind of details that sink their claws into these kinds of reminders. Some things are known without asking or digging, but the rest of it usually best left out of your inquiry. As you move into healing & recovery, curiosity about these things will diminish much more quickly than the memories of details you find out.
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VoodooChild
I understand the fear that certain details will trigger memories of the affair, but he other side of that for a person with an active imagination is unbearable. Everything is a trigger. Everything is a potential trigger. For me there is nothing safe. Nothing that isn't a potential trigger.
I dread the holidays/anniversaries so much. I learned of he affair the day after thanksgiving. They initiated a sexual relationship the month of my birthday. The week of our anniversary he was at her house. Even if I didn't know that he was with her the week of our anniversary, what does the anniversary actually mean? It was a day that we promised to live one another through the good and bad that life has to offer. It appears that I'm the only one who took that seriously. Every second of everyday is a trigger of the year before when he was gone. Gone and I didn't even know it.
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Why
I understand the triggers and them not going away 2+ years after d-day and we are together, and he has not been in contact since I found out. It's year 2+ for me of the 5 year affair that had "ended" when I found out. The anniversary of their first date, her birthday is the same week as mind, she lives in the area, advertising from the company they worked for...... They go on and on. Some are manageable, so I don't even realize they are the cause of the pain. I can only hope time will heal me.
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