BrokenHearted
I need to know that what I'm feeling is normal- that I'm not crazy. I need some advice

My first Dday was in January 2017 when I questioned him about some texts. A month later- more texts (which he told me would cease but didn't) and I named what he was doing as an Affair. Since then he has been supportive and has made the commitment to healing our marriage.

I have no desire to celebrate any of the holidays. My WH's birthday is right after Thanksgiving, and I just don't even want to celebrate that. He never has wanted to celebrate, but would because of the kids. 
Then there is Christmas. Due to his Affair, we are financially in a state where we cannot afford to get the kids anything for Christmas. My daughter still wants to decorate and put up the tree. I don't even want to do that. My husband keeps telling me we "have to" and to "fake it" if I have to. I resent this. Why should I be forced to? It is just another day to me since I found out that the past couple years of "celebration" were when he was with the AP. I don't want to ruin Christmas for the kids- but how can I hide how I feel? Besides, the holidays always end up with the kids fighting and me in tears (while my husband usually sits on his phone- now I know it was because he was texting his AP)

How do I get through this? Suggestions please and thank you. I feel so helpless and alone right now.
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TimT
The first holiday experiences after D-day are the most difficult. I encourage you to focus on the kids as much as possible (these are creating memories for them, too), but give yourself slack. You don't have to do everything you would normally do, and it's okay to exit some things and ask your husband to fill in.

We put out a podcast last year that may be of some help: Handling the Holidays.
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anthropoidape
I fully understand how you feel. 

However I am in favour of giving the children as normal a holiday period as possible. Tree, turkey, gifts, everything you can manage including keeping things peaceable with your husband. They are as good a reason as you can get to fake it. And some of it of course is not fake. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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BrokenHearted
TimT wrote:
The first holiday experiences after D-day are the most difficult. I encourage you to focus on the kids as much as possible (these are creating memories for them, too), but give yourself slack. You don't have to do everything you would normally do, and it's okay to exit some things and ask your husband to fill in.

We put out a podcast last year that may be of some help: Handling the Holidays.


I have listened, and it just didn't seem like ENOUGH for me, so I turned here for more. Thank you
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BrokenHearted
anthropoidape wrote:
I fully understand how you feel. 

However I am in favour of giving the children as normal a holiday period as possible. Tree, turkey, gifts, everything you can manage including keeping things peaceable with your husband. They are as good a reason as you can get to fake it. And some of it of course is not fake. 



My kids are older (32,30,20 and 16) so it's not an issue of needing to disguise things (they are the ones who told me about the affair). I just don't know how I'm going to take it and be believable when I'm so miserable.
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Sorry
I know my suggestion is odd but perhaps take the time to teach the kids the real meaning of Christmas.  Volunteer at soup kitchens, visit old age homes and help others in need
 
It is slightly different but is likely to help.  Make recycled decorations,  use pinterest for inspiration. Work on your house and garden.

Make new traditions that make you feel connected even if just to your children. Next year will be
Easier
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Keepabuzz
The holidays are tough, especially the first one after D-day. I definitely faked it for the kids. My children don’t know what my wife did. 

Serving others was the one thing that brought me the most peace when I felt the lowest. Not just around the holidays, really anytime. Helping a neighbor tear down a garage for example. Seems nonsensical, but it really helped me. It still does. When I’m getting low, I find someone to help. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Greyes128
Oh I feel for you. I found out last year the week before Thanksgiving. My husband’s Birthday was the day before Thanksgiving and I honestly didn’t want to do anything for him or the holidays. My children were going to be there as well and I had to fake it, my husband said I could have won an Oscar. I made it the best birthday and thanksgiving even though I was dying inside. I wanted my children even though they were 18 and 22 at the time to not know what happened. 

Have your husband help you with decorating and cooking. Cook something new and maybe start a new tradition or two. This year we are fixing a different Thanksgiving dinner and going to our daughter’s house for Christmas. Just for a change of pace. 
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BrokenHearted
Greyes128 wrote:
Oh I feel for you. I found out last year the week before Thanksgiving. My husband’s Birthday was the day before Thanksgiving and I honestly didn’t want to do anything for him or the holidays. My children were going to be there as well and I had to fake it, my husband said I could have won an Oscar. I made it the best birthday and thanksgiving even though I was dying inside. I wanted my children even though they were 18 and 22 at the time to not know what happened. 

Have your husband help you with decorating and cooking. Cook something new and maybe start a new tradition or two. This year we are fixing a different Thanksgiving dinner and going to our daughter’s house for Christmas. Just for a change of pace. 



We are changing things up this year. We are not staying home- but going to a friend's house for dinner. I'm also volunteering at a Senior home on Christmas Eve to sing songs and pass out presents to the residents there. I feel good about these choices. Actually looking forward to them!

I realized where these feelings might be coming from. Although my husband has been trying to do the things to help me heal, and actions speak louder than words, I am still confused. He hasn't officially told the AP that it is over. It's been 10 months since he and her were "together" and he no longer texts/calls her or she him unless it is related to work. But they still work together. I've asked him to let me know when she contacts him, even if it is for work. He said he would. Then I had to get some info for FAFSA from his email and saw that she indeed emailed him about an upcoming event. He replied very enthusiastically, then deleted the emails. (I'm quite tech savvy so I know how to find them once they are deleted) but hasn't told me about them yet....it's been 4 days. So while he is warm and tender and tells me he loves me and all, he does this which confuses the heck out of me and throws me back into the spiraling pit. So what am I supposed to believe? Then there are the holidays (and due to his affair, we are financially destitute) where I cannot even get gifts for the kids. That is fueling this darkness in me. So I'm somewhat happy to be able to put my finger on it- name it- and now trying to work through it. I still don't know what to think about the ongoing (albeit sporadic) AP contact.
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Keepabuzz
Her emailing him, and him responding, AND NOT telling you is nothing short of dishonest, deceitful affair behavior.  He is not living within the boundaries you have put in place.  For me personally, that would be the end of the road for me. 

My wife quit her job the day after d-day, her AP was a coworker.  I know not everyone can just quit their job, but everyone CAN change jobs. They may not want to, they may love their job or whatever, but they screwed that up, not the BS. It’s just a price they have to pay to try to heal the damage. There is no way I would stayed with my wife if she continued to work with, or have ANY contact with her AP.  

Her AP actually “followed a board” of my wife’s on Pinterest.  I was out of town on a business trip.  She called a mutual friend and had her tell him in no certain terms that this was considered contact, and that she was done with him, done screwing up her life, and there may be no stopping me coming after him when she told me, which she assured him that she was going to tell me. When I returned from my trip, she told what had happened. I was very angry, at him.  She had to talk me of the ledge, I wanted nothing more than to go after him. But I do think she handled the situation as best she could, while staying WITHIN my boundaries.

Boundaries set by the BS after an affair are NON-NEGOTIABLE.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BrokenHearted
Well, I made it through Thanksgiving. It was tough but we went to a friend's house instead of staying here at home.

I confronted my husband about the emails yesterday, and told him how I felt, and that he had a choice to make. Either tell her to leave him alone or leave. He's still here, and told me he chooses me. He also made so.e bulls*** excuse how he didn't want me to be hurt again, that's why he didn't tell me about the emails from her. I told him he was acting like someone with something to hide, and even though the emails were strictly work related, I'm more upset and hurt about the lies.  I don't know if he rely gets it or not, but he's got a choice to make.

After that yesterday, I thought today was going to be worse than it was, but it was tolerable. I even found myself laughing few times. One holiday down.... 2 more to go!
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BrokenHearted
Christmas is over, and again, I survived. I realized the reason he didn't attend church with us last year was because of his AP (spent time with her).... no confirmation, no disclosure- just remembered something he said last year that now makes perfect sense.

So the kids and I skipped church this year and instead volunteered our time at a retirement home. Made Christmas eve a lot more bearable. Christmas day he spent with the family- showered me with gifts and spoiled me a bit. It was nice but he still spent way too much time on his phone- which I checked. Still managed to get through the day with only a handful of moments where I thought I was going to cry.

New Year's will be difficult as it will be one year since we lost a dear friend of ours (our good friend's 15-year-old daughter died on 1-1-2017) and then later in the month will be one year since my father-in-law died. January was also the first Dday, then again late February (when I thought he had ended it) I found out that he hadn't. Wish me luck!

I've learned a lot about myself this holiday season. That I am stronger than I thought, that I can do ANYTHING I set my sights on, and that I AM IN CONTROL of my emotions now....not the other way around. Still have my guard up as to not fall victim again to my emotions or another affair..... but I am getting there. Thank you all for your support.
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