Littlebylittle Show full post »
ThrivenotSurvive
Keepabuzz wrote:


It’s terribly cruel to betray and cheat on your spouse, but it’s a whole different level to continue to do it after discovery with zero regard for the BS.  That is a whole other level of disrespect. 
 


Could not agree more.  It is a level of disrespect that rises to cruelty. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Littlebylittle
It's extremely confusing and hurtful for me to think that he still has some contact with her. Only now, 3 months in am I able to see how cruel he's been and how it's my choice what to do about it. 
I had a beautiful day up in the mountains hiking with my two best girlfriends. I feel such support from them, I know now, finally after so much hurt, that I will be fine without him,  possibly even better. 
But, I am willing to tell him he's got a chance,  one chance, because I really love him. He's done some great things to build trust and show effort in the last few days since I told him very clearly I am not ok with him contacting the AP. But I am still hesitant and needing more.
Luckily for me, I am a professional working mom, handy with running a house and a farm, and don't rely on him for anything except that nice extra dual income and some handyman stuff that I'm not keen about. I know I can live comfortably on my own,  I just don't want to yet.
I am taking it one day at a time and really do appreciate all of the posts here,  it does mean that I am not alone,  not crazy and have similar experiences to learn from. 
Thank you everyone for your time and support. 
This forum is one of the best ways to get perspective, even for a small town Canadian girl. â¤

BS Female 
DD April 26, 2019
Married 14 years
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JORGE
Quote:
My husband of 14 years says he wants to stay married but doesn't know if he can.

But how bad does he 'want' it? I want to be a millionaire. Been saying it for 20 years. Until I increase my 'want', I'll never be one. Until your husband increases his desire and 'want' to stay married to you, it will be just words. Don't be fooled. Actions will tell you what you need to know, with uncanny clarity.  
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hurting
I Couldn’t agree more. Words from cheaters are WORTHLESS. They promise the world to EVERYONE- the AP included, and lie to all, including themselves. 

Doing the right thing for a few days is great, but NOT enough. It’s ongoing persistent action that shows where he’s at. Temporary changes, pretty words etc are NOT enough. 

Watch only his actions. Watch for a long LONG time before you decide whether they are genuine. Don’t believe a word he says. You will want to- but what do you want more? To be lied to and hurt and abused again? Or to make sure that YOU are treated right? Guard your heart. He is NOT a safe partner. He isn’t the person you thought he was 🙁 

It is so hurtful and bewildering to realise the person who you thought would always have your back has been the one who has chosen to destroy you. I know. I’ve been there too. Take back the power from him. Only you can do this... he can continue to do these things to hurt you because you allow him to do things that will affect you. Ultimately, each of us can only control our own actions. I wanted to control my WS. I still do a lot of the time. But I have come to grips with the fact that I cannot. That doesn’t mean I have no demands... (like no contact!) It just means that I cannot actually force him to have no contact. If he wanted to, he would find a way. So do what you can for you. Take away the power for him to do those things and still have YOU. Take the you part out of the equation. Make it so it ISN’T about him getting to ‘decide’. Open the door for him and tell him to walk out. Let him go. Only then will he have to start to consider the future where YOU aren’t a possible choice.

do this for you.
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Littlebylittle
Everyone here is right,  I'm so glad I got this advice. 
I confronted him with my outstanding questions and he admitted to still not being able to commit to a new, better marriage. And he admitted to still being in contact with the AP occasionally and having lingering emotions about the affair. He confirmed the affair lasted 3 years (longer than I expected) and that the physical part ended with my discovery but that he was still emotionally connected to her. 
I told him clearly that I am not ok with any AP contact or friendship. I also said I would not settle for anything less than a full,  committed,  better marriage even if it means divorce. 
I said if he can't return to me as a faithful husband and be fully with me,  he must leave the house. 
Since then I have noticed a change in his behavior, but I know time is required to see real,  genuine change and that I must be strong and stick to my boundaries. 
Thank you everyone so very much for the advice and kind support. 

BS - Female 
DD April 2019
Married 14 years
2 children 
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triplehooks
Three years?!?!  OMG and he’s staying in the house, which you seem to be accepting of...which leaves you open to some form of reconciliation.  In that case you ABSOLUTELY need to protect yourself (and unfortunately your kids — if he has oral herpes he need a tutorial on how and when he can kiss his own kids).  I’m about to offer a bunch of free advice that may only be worth what you paid for it, but hear me out for a sec.  

He needs to get tested for ALL STDs (you do too if you’ve had sex w him in the last three years).  You could consider going together and both get tested and explain to the provider WHY you are getting tested (hubby can be very proud of what he did with his boner for that one).  Discuss the risks of false positives and false negatives in the results (apparently the various herpes tests aren’t 100% conclusive and aren’t even included in the ALL STD panels for some inexplicable reason).  

If you’re going to make an effort of reconciliation make him sign a post nup that allows you to walk at any point in the future with whatever you could divorce him for now.  The risk of this enterprise needs to be on him.  He broke it he can pay for it.   If you go down this path it will not be easy and there may be times you want to walk.  Don’t put yourself in the position when you get there to have to negotiate at THAT point.  No, do it now while this is all fresh.

I’m willing to bet you will allow this arrangement ONLY if you believe he’s not in contact.  He will slip up and contact her though, I would bet money on it.  BIG money.  Whether he still works with her or not he will likely go out of bounds.  (Does he still work with her?  That’s not ok.  He needs to find another job or fire her or get her fired.  Yep that won’t be easy and he could get in VERY hot water if he’s her boss.  Not your problem though that he’s a dumba$$ like that.  He’s a big boy he can put on his big boy panties and figure that $hit out himself.).  

I cant think of much you can do/agree to that can’t be gamed.  But a lawsuit that he leads against the paramour is a possible angle.  That would usually split their coupling in two.  Consider if there are any grounds against her you can use.  And make him pursue it as a condition of staying in the relationship.  And tell him he has to win.  And it has to be profitable.  If he can’t find a way to take say $5,000 off her homeowners insurance for negligence (if she gave him an STD), or $10,000 for pain and suffering and emotional distress, then he sucks because he can’t even pick an easy mark to have an affair with and then sue.  What good is he to anyone?  I mean if you’re going to risk your family and blow up your life or end up in the perma-dog house (he lives there now I’m pretty sure) why do it for zero gain?  What kind of father trying to provide for five kids and a stay at home wife engages in activities with zero gain??  I have a lot of kids and I NEVER even had TIME to engage in ANYTHING fruitless.  I’m kind of joking but the I don’t think enough betrayed spouses play hard ball with their returning cheaters.  He betrayed you.  Now he must betray her.  He betrayed you in the WORST way.  Excuse the visual but, um, when he stuck his boner in there he was SHOWING HER WITH HIS BODY that he had no loyalty to you, AND sat the same time he was signaling that he was loyal to her.  He betrayed you in a way that will impact you FOREVER.   But he wants to pretend his loyalties are with you now??  Without proving he is disloyal to her??  It can’t be that easy... He has to BURN a that bridge so he can never go back to it.  It has to hurt.   And it has to be done in a way you can see it.  The termination letters these affair recovery sites often recommend are highly game-able.  They send a letter (you can even read it) saying “you’re the worst mistake I ever made”, etc then text them in WhatsApp and say “my wife made me send that.  Let’s meet behind Walmart for a quicky” and it’s off to the races again.  A lawsuit is harder to game.  It ain’t cheap and it’s public.   If he doesn’t burn that homewrecker then how will you really know?  

The other option is heavy surveillance. But that sucks.  And it’s a lot of work for you.  And the work shouldn’t be ON you.  It should be on bonerpants.

But more than these novelties, I would encourage you to think long and hard about whether your husband screwing this home wrecker for THREE YEARS of your marriage is an acceptable fact (did you say you were married 14 years?  That’s 21.4% of your marriage that is a total lie. And that’s assuming the other 11 years were PERFECTION, which is probably generous).  Is that even forgivable?
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anthro
Three years is too l ong. No ordinary decent person can willingly and actively deceive another for that long. It's impossible. You will never feel okay with this guy. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Fionarob
Little
Three years is a very long time......he is going to find it extremely difficult to go no contact with her, and he will be thinking about her and tempted to reach out for a very long time.  He might even become a bit depressed at not being able to see her or talk to her.  It will be very tough on you - how will you know he is not contacting her?  Do you want to have to be suspicious every day and looking for clues/signs that they are still communicating, or worse, meeting up again.

My ex always said he wanted the marriage every time I discovered the affair was still going on.  He would cut contact, tell her he couldn't do it anymore, commit back to the marriage and I believe he did want that.  But he never wanted it enough.  And usually after about 3 weeks, his resolve would crumble and he would start contact again.  It didn't help that she constantly begged him to go back to her - she was single, so had nothing to lose by pestering him until he gave in.  She even sent him letters to work so that I wouldn't know.  People find ways.

Being married to someone who is seriously involved with someone else is exhausting because you are constantly watching, wondering, looking for clues, questioning everything.  It is a horrible way to live and I did it for two and a half years.  Sometimes now I wonder how I didn't lose the plot mentally, it certainly took it's toll on me.  I was not myself by the end of it.  I lost all respect for my ex, and by the end I didn't love him at all.  I couldn't contemplate being with someone who could be so cruel and selfish to two people (I have no sympathy for the AP, but she suffered a lot of emotional pain and torture too, because of him.  He was hurting both of us and I no longer wanted to be with someone who could do that.)

Listen carefully to what he is saying.  Is he actually choosing to come back or have you kind of negotiated it together?  Because, if it's not fully his choice, then I don't know how long he will last.  Recovering from a 3 year affair, and everything that involves, is a very big mountain to climb, for both of you.  You both need to be in it 100%, and even then it will be very tough. 
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hurting
Some good points made above. 

I am one one of those who got my WS to sign a post nup. It had nothing about infidelity in it. It says if we split for ANY reason, I get majority. He knew that was a risk. I could’ve filed for divorce before the ink was dry. It was a risk he had to take to prove to me in a miniscule  way that he was all in. 

He also had to change his number, I broke his old SIM card into half a tossed it into a bin, deleted social media and changed emails. 

All of that barely counted for anything tbh. It did in the early days but now, it’s one tiny part of what he has needed to do. 

3 years is a long time. I am so sorry you are here and hurting. I’m sorry you’ve lost years of your life to a lie because of him. This is going to be a long and painful road. Be careful with your heart and letting him back in. We always want to on some level at the start. I think in a way, we desperately want it to not be true. We want our WS to tell us it was all a lie, and that of course it would never happen. Reality is a nightmare. But reality is reality. I would rather know and get to choose my reality than live a life of lies and not know about it. Be careful. Watch closely, but do not be persuaded easily by a few ‘right’ actions. WS are well practiced at deceiving us.
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ThrivenotSurvive
I don’t have a lot to add.  You’ve been given great advice and you are obviously moving to protect yourself and regain control over you life.  

Three years IS a long time and for a variety of reasons would be a serious cause for concern.  From his ability to be deceptive for that long to the fact that he’s unsure now would be things I’d think about long and hard before considering reconciliation. 

That being said - this is YOUR LIFE.  Dig deep, take your time and listen to your inner voice.  As others have said watch his actions rather than his words. 

But more importantly this isn’t just HIS decision.  Even if he drops everything and makes a full 180 back to the marriage... keep reconnecting with YOU.  Your friends, your hobbies, your values, your life.  

Many of us lost our self along the way - and without meaning to our marriage and partner became synonymous with US.  So if we think our marriage is failing or maybe even dead - rather than see it as a relationship that has run its course - we see it as OUR failure. Something inherent in US that diminishes our value. This makes us cling to things that no longer serve us.  

I am not saying that is what you are doing - but it’s important to strengthen your relationship with yourself to make sure.  When your relationship with YOU is strong, loving and deep - your decisions come from a healthy place.  All of them.  

Keep doing the things you’ve been doing for you - and your path will become clear.  Follow the others advice and guard your heart one way or the other.  I didn’t start letting mine down until my husband had been showing me ACTIONS and commitment for a year or more.  

Be proud of yourself LittlebyLittle, you are moving to take your power back with every step - this is probably the most difficult thing you will ever navigate and you are doing it with grace and class.  Hold your head high.  His mistakes reflect NOTHING on your value and worth.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
 I personally think that if reconciliation is even a consideration after an affair, a post nup agreement should be non-negotiable.  We can talk and work towards forgiveness, but the bottom line is we have to protect ourselves. I think this goes for the breadwinner as I am, but. More importantly for the SAHM’S. If I had divorced my wife, she couldn’t legally even request spousal support. If, IF she had won custody, I would have had to pay child support for about 5 years, and then I would have been free of her. Although our assets would have been spilt equally. I can make substantially more money than she can. I’m also not one to show off. So I would have loved on the cheap for a few years and been fine financially. So for me, it would have actually been cheaper to “ditch” her than to “keep her”. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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