hurting
Hello friends.

I’m suffering a relatively severe trigger right now. I want to vomit. I have palpitations and sweats. I have this feeling of dread. I feel suspicious. Both as to what caused my trigger and how he will handle this. Will he lie to my face again? Tell me ‘I don’t know’?

My WS is not home yet. So I am doing my best to hold my reactions at bay... because I feel that I want to try and discuss this trigger with him, without being in a mess of tears and anger. This is progress for me. I would’ve been huddled on the ground by now previously. 

The cause of my trigger is his YouTube watch history. I can see that he watched two videos about a month ago. Rather, he watched about 30sec-1min of a video titled ‘5 hidden signs a girl likes you’, and 2min of a video titled ‘10 signs someone only likes you as a friend’. For obvious reasons, these are sending me into panic mode. 

Is it all happening again?

I realise I am feeling this panic and dread because I fear I am either about to stumble onto yet another inappropriate relationship, that he is going to lie to me again, or that I have been WRONG in giving him another chance, and he is (despite how hard it has been to rebuild and his ‘changes’), infatuated with someone else again. 

I don’t trust him to tell me the truth. But he will be home soon. I guess we shall see.

I know why I am feeling this way. It brings me back to d-day. And all the other instances when I uncovered information. But knowing why I feel it doesn’t help me to not feel it.

It’s such a struggle to hold it together. I haven’t been hit with such visceral reactions in a long time. Yet for someone like him who is a TURTLE, I know my breakdown will make it worse. I am trying my best to not be a hailstorm. I feel like some kind of heavy rain cloud ready to storm... but I’m trying to not let it out. So we can maybe have some semblance of a calm discussion.
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anthro
Unless your husband is a 15yo girl that YouTube history us a legit reason to be disturbed.

I can vaguely imagine reasonable explanations but they are all pretty tortured. Then again I don't watch YouTube at all. My kids, I've noticed, can go from one video to the next and end up a long way from where they started (so we banned YouTube in fact). 

I would be inclined to be elsewhere when he got home and to tell him "you know why" when he calls/texts looking for you. I would not be specific about the yt history as then he can just address that one thing.

But as far as "are you crazy?" goes, no, that discovery is one that would throw anyone off track badly. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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hurting
I stayed calm. Somehow. 

Admittedly he does act like a 15 year old girl sometimes 🙄

He told me that he often clicks on links to YouTube videos as they come up on the side as ‘other videos you might like’. He has informed me that he has spent some time looking at videos on a psych channel which often talks about relationship stuff, and he thinks these two were part of the ‘recommended videos’ list. I have seen the odd psych channel video pop up on his list in the past.

He also cannot specifically remember watching either. To be fair, the ‘10 signs someone only likes you as a friend’ video is actually on said psych channel on YouTube. The other one is not. The question is more why he would click on either video titled as such. 

Basically he is saying he thinks he likely stayed on the ‘how to tell if someone likes you’ video for 30 seconds (it’s about 5min long) because it wasn’t relevant. He says the same about the other video (whose content is actually quite appropriate and about not seeking validation and approval from other people) which he watched for 2min. 

My point, is that if he didn’t feel they were relevant to him then he wouldn’t have clicked on them in the first place.

Do I believe or disbelieve him? No to both. I am wary. And I have had good reason to not believe this person. He has lied many times before... His body language is different to the previous times he has lied and more in keeping with what he was saying, but he’s a good liar. 

He adamantly denies lying to me (we all know how believable THAT is), and so when I tell him his answer of ‘not really remembering these videos’ isn’t good enough, he is silent. He says he is trying to come up with a better answer, but he can’t because he cannot remember watching them. And if he made up something that sounds like a better answer, then he WOULD be lying and he doesn’t want to do that. Ugh. 🙄

He handed over his phone to me during this. But like I said to him, he could just have another one I don’t know about. It’s not hugely likely since our finances are entirely shared, including credit cards... but where there’s a will there’s a way.

This is a set back. We were doing well... and now I wonder if I’m being made a fool of again. When I first saw the history, I triggered badly. My gut is ok now though... it says watch and wait. 

He is frustrated (though not saying it) that I don’t believe him. He knows that’s because he gave me every reason to not trust him. As I’ve told him: it is HIS job to be above suspicion. He keeps asking me what else he can do? What do I want to do? 
The answer is ‘nothing’. I can not control what he does or doesn’t do. Only he can. I can only control my part...

I told him that if he does want to look outside the marriage, if he wants to experience relationships with other people, that’s ok. He is welcome to leave and he should not be held back or feel bound to me out of any feelings of obligation or guilt or shame. Because that is the least he owes me really. If he knows he is wants more, then he owes it to me to set me free so we can both have more fulfilling lives. This is the first time I have voiced such a sentiment. He got a bit annoyed when I kept saying it though. Apparently he’s sorry that he’s going to disappoint me, but he isn’t going to choose to go, so if I want to end it then I can be the one who chooses to leave... which if I feel unsafe enough, I will (as I have told him many times).

My gut has calmed down now. I don’t know if I should listen to it or be more on guard. I will be watchful. I expected my gut to be screaming warnings at me and to be crying on the floor for the rest of the night. But after our (surprisingly calm) talk, I am feeling better than I expected considering his answers.
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Skelling
I am so sorry hurting. I know the feeling of panic too well. Its an aweful place to be in. I also can relate very well with the youtube history anxiety. For me this is how the bomb dropped.

2 years ago, when I saw a message from the OW on my husband's phone, my world stopped spinning for a minute. But he was a damn good liar. He convinced me she was just someone he met during that work trip and they connected well but she wasn't a threat cause she was just someone he could talk to and she would understand and was actually trying to HELP OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!! Yes I know screwed up and twisted. Anyways over a period of over a year, i had my suspicions and would ask questions like where your hotel rooms next to each other? No not really hers was around the corner so you couldn't see her balcony from my balcony...Other questions like, did you meet on the balcony (Don't ask me why I thought of that but thats how it all actually started) which was always met by no trust me there was nothing, or when I turned up the heat, with anger. How could you think that? I would never do something like that. You don't trust me....

Anyways a little over a year in, I found the google history and there it was. he had put in the search engine. How to unfall in love and How to avoid falling in love... I asked him and he tried to use the same excuse as your husband saying it was a popup and he just clicked on it. I wanted to believe him and I halfheartedly did but I went back to the history and a couple lines further down, I had HIS voice saying those questions using voice search. Well needless to say he couldn't deny any longer and it all went downhill from there.

I know thats not really helpful and please don't use that for your situation. Your husband may well speak the truth. What I am trying to say is, listen to your gut to your suspicions even if they are ever so quiet. I agree its not easy for the WS but it takes a lot to build up the trust we built over years and which they tore down with a single stupid choice of engaging in an affair. So my empathy runs pretty thin. Its not that we don't want to trust them but it was them that proved to us that we can't. So it is also now up to them to do whatever in their power to help us gain that trust back.
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hurting
Oh I know all too well... I too found out a LOT by my own digging and google search histories etc. every single time it was like a bomb had been detonated in my life. Every single time I was back to ground zero.

I think that is why I had such a bad reaction tonight. It was like a PTSD flashback. It brought back all the other times. I haven’t had a true visceral reaction like that in over a year... so it caught me by surprise. I felt like I did when I first found out. It really shook me...

I will watch carefully again and observe closely. He said the ‘right’ words tonight (rather than blatant denial, he appeared to try to think of how and when he viewed brief snippets of these two videos.) It was from a month and a half ago, and I can see how much of each he watched (he was not aware YouTube was logging his watched items). When I refused to eat, he brought me my dinner in bed. Although I am dissatisfied with his answer, and I feel like it’s a poor answer, it is not impossible. Here is someone who has a generally terrible memory for things that they consider unimportant. He seriously can’t remember what he had for lunch yesterday. Unfortunately, I wasn’t surprised (though frustrated) by the ‘I don’t remember watching that but this is how I likely came to them’ answer. It is unsatisfactory for me. But if he was not particularly searching for said videos, I can see how he with his sh!t memory may not remember them. I don’t like it. But I am not surprised. 

If he had denied it flat out, I think I would’ve been more suspicious. I actually can see other watched videos from the same psych channel on YouTube, with titles like ‘10 things happy couples do’ etc etc. so that COULD explain one of the videos I suppose. 

I need to be careful though. Words are words. In themselves, they are worthless. Actions will be the most telling thing... so I will continue to watch closely. 
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Phoenix
hello Hurting, 
i watch YouTube a lot. I watch infidelity videos mostly. When you are watching a video underneath the video will be a list of videos that are related or recommended. When you’re done watching a video if you don’t go to a video you want to watch or you picked yourself with in 5 secs YouTube will play the next video that is underneath and it will play it until you hit the X or you go to another video. It’s happened to me. I’m not trying to excuse him. 
You can also check the search history on his Youtube by just clicking on the magnifying glass. You can delete search history but if he doesn’t know this it should still be there. 
My BS and I have the same YouTube account so we can see what we are both watching.
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ThrivenotSurvive
I agree.  This has happened to me.  While I have no idea if this is the reason why it happened, I know that I have become distracted and it started playing random videos that were "related" but I never chose.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
This has happened to me as well. I watch a lot of videos on infidelity, and the “up next” videos that auto play many times have nothing to do with infidelity. Many times they are about some other random relationship topic.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
Thank you everyone. I did check out the search history (as I sometimes do anyway) and there isn’t much to see there. I have actually done this at random in the past too. Certainly I have taken a look over the last month and didn’t see anything come up. 

Although the two titles are clearly distressing to me and highly triggering, having actually had a talk to him about it, I have calmed down and I am inclined to believe that it may actually have been either a ‘related video’ or one that came up after watching another. It is almost disturbing to me that I might be willing to give him ‘the benefit of the doubt’ because I was pretty sure that I would NEVER give him that again. But I feel ok right now... I guess time will tell. 
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