Chrissie
Not sure if this is the right place to post this question, but I found myself in an odd situation, a knock on effect of the affair, and it actually feels nice to be helping another at a time when so many have helped me and it is normal to start feeling worthless and sometimes even a bit of a charity case.  For that reason I feel it helps with my survival.

Anyway, something terrible happened about a month ago.  The husband of my husband's AP found the 2 of them at a cafe together after no-contact and attacked my husband.  It happens that they were meeting to discuss some legal stuff with the business that she is leaving (they were until recently business partners) however the husband was not informed of the meeting and saw this as the affair still on.  The whole this is so sad as I feel terribly for both my husband and the AP husband.  My husband was quite badly injured and required facial surgery.  The AP's husband is now being charged and has been told he may do jail time.  Everyone, including my husband, is horrified at that thought.

I have offered to do a character reference for this man.  Although I do not know him well I understand his situation very well.  I have mentioned in my reference the experience of dealing with a partner who has had an affair, and in particular I have talked about justification behaviour, namely rewriting history, blaming the faithful partner etc.  I would love to include references from reliable literature as this is going before the courts and would like it to look as professionally done as possible.  I must admit I haven't read any "real" literature myself.  Most of what I have learnt has come from this website, and although I have found the info invaluable, I'm not sure it would stand up to the scrutiny of the court.  

I will include a part of my reference so you can all see what I have written;  

"Dealing with a partner who has been involved in an affair is particularly difficult as it is common for self justification to occur. This happens to ease feelings of guilt and to make it possible for the affair to happen. A common justification is for the cheating partner to convince him/herself that they had no choice but to engage in the affair because their current relationship was so unbearable. It is common affair behaviour to rewrite ones own history, with a marriage that was always unhappy and a partner that was always unsupportive. From what I have read this type of behaviour is almost universal for those involved in an affair suffering feelings of guilt. As a betrayed partner it is extremely painful to hear your marriage described in a way that is unrecognisable to you. It adds more stress as it is natural to start to doubt yourself, wondering if everything you once believed was never true."

What I am trying to get across is the amount of stress this man was dealing with at the time of the attack.  What I am asking from you all is books, articles etc that I can reference that says pretty much what I have said.  Titles, authors, publication dates and if possible page numbers.  Thank you so much for your help.  I just hope it will make a difference.
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TimT
Great book: Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me
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AHmember113
As a betrayed, I believe it is very neieve to believe it was a business meeting. If it had been, spouses would have been told in advance and other witnesses present. Be careful. This sounds like rationalization on your part. Also, if your husband is pressing charges, I would encourage him to drop them.
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Kalmarjan
I hate to say it, but I also was thinking the same thing. While I understand there are things like emotions involved here... Looking at it logically...

Papers can be shown in a showdown that it's "just a meeting."
Why would the APs husband come out swinging just on sight?

Unless...

Perhaps he caught them in a compromising position.

It just sounds... Off to me. There may be a whole bunch of truth to what happened there, but it feels like you are being lied to - by omission.

Then again, I also campaign for absolutely no contact. I might be seeing things. In his place, I would have a lawyer handle affairs with her, I wouldn't risk it.
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surviving
Chrissie - not only what everyone said above, but how come they are meeting in a cafe, ALONE!  Red flags, if you ask me.  This story sounds fishy to me. 
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Chrissie
Update, for those interested. The good news, the AP's husband did not go to prison. Some community service time and meetings with a parole officer etc. He's over the moon, as he's a stay at home dad and wants to be there to support his kids. The bad news, my husband has left me to be with his AP.
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Anna26
It seems as thought the reference you did for the AP's husband may have helped him Chrissie, and it was generous of you to want to do this. 
In the end it sounds as if he may have had some justification in believing that that the affair was 'on' again.  As we all know, the smallest amount of contact for whatever reason can kick start the whole thing again. 
So sad that you have lost out now because he has left to be with her.  In time he will realise what he lost too...
Mine left because I gave him an ultimatum, (as he was still seeing her from home, despite me knowing and him being aware of that), I'd told him I wasn't prepared to tolerate that and he either stopped or moved out.  So he moved out but I don't know if it continued very long, not at all, or if he may still be in touch with her in that way.  Particularly difficult as they work together.
He still lives elsewhere, but we do get on fairly well, which seems quite incredible considering...his AP is still with her husband.  She wouldn't leave him, obviously knows which side her bread is buttered, that one! 
My husband could be feeling rather foolish and licking his wounds, even after all this time, and thinking he isn't worthy of forgiveness and coming home, or he may simply have got used to living alone now. But as it is, mostly, I'm getting on rather well without him, though it is slightly different in that our finances are still the same.
I suppose what I'm saying is that anything could still happen and the novelty may wear off for your husband.  It might not be all he dreamt it would be after all...
So if you are not ready to give up on him and your marriage yet - don't. 
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Searching4
Christie, I am so sorry.
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Eliot
Christie- I am also so sorry. You sound like a kind generous person.
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Courage
At the end of the day Christie, you have a good soul. Your WH may eventually see the error of his ways, but I the meantime, grow your own soul and be the best person you can be. That is the only thing you have control over...and that is huge. When you discover you're own potential and what you are capable of you will soar. Best of luck!
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