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UrbanExplorer
I know this is a really old post but I'm new here and am in the same boat. I miss him terribly. I want this to be over...but I don't. And I hate it. I don't wanna have to miss him 🙁


For me, things became a lot better when I got some distance from my affair and was able to relate it to my own unmet needs at that time and not about particulars of my AP (i.e. he was not my soulmate; we weren't meant to be together). I was able to see my involvement with him not only as marital sabotage, but self-sabotage. Thus, any more contact with him would just be me giving away my precious energy that I should be using to get myself on my path, healed, and healthy. Framing my AP this way was important to me before I was in a place where I could effectively address my marriage and my BS and also down the road in preventing additional affairs.
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UrbanExplorer


I know, logically it's not all about me. But somehow I'm still stuck at this place where Im starting to accept that the AP is all better than me. I think she will leave me sooner or later  And I'm tired of being her place of safety and security. If she's not getting what she wanted with me before, now, it's even worse. Im not even a fully functional human being


It's truly, truly not something lacking in you. She's latched onto a fictional idea, a crutch. You don't deserve to live like this.
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Sparkle
Damaged-
I am heartbroken to read your post.
I am following Nolongerslaves as we are in very similar positions. I ended my emotional affair 7 weeks ago and have no contact now.
I have even seen my AP on social media two weeks ago with a new girl half his age ( although I don't know for sure if they are a couple)
He is living alone and divorced so not really doing anything wrong but I find it hard to see him move on so quickly.
I wanted to remain friends as we have known each other for nearly forty years. But it is impossible. You cannot (honestly) go from such an intense connection to just friends however comforting it is.
It is also totally unfair to the BS. To be honest because my husband said years ago that he is not sure he loves me I felt justified. But I wasn't.
To hear of this happening with your soul mate is so sad. I think it is a huge lesson to me that as soon as secrecy comes into any 'friendship' it becomes an affair.
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Sparkle
keepabuzz and Damaged-
Damaged I am heartbroken to read your post.
I had an emotional affair that lasted nearly 18 months which started as a friendship. I had known him for nearly 40 years and we were together as teenagers.
It happened very very slowly and the deception of thinking ' this is just a friendship- it's not like we are meeting up is immense. As stated by others on here- any ' friendship' that is secretive in nature is more than a friendship.
By the time I realised this I was deeply involved and the last six months was an attempt to keep some sort of 'friendship' and keep from expressing emotion etc. The problem is the emotion is there even if not spoken. 
My AP and I ended on good terms but I so wanted to stay friends- say " happy Christmas" etc. It is no good though because I believe it will start again and even if it doesn't it is still deception as it is continuing behind the back of the BS.

Keepabuzz- I understand you are in extreme pain but the AP could be likened to a drug addict in some respects ( much like any romantic relationship in the beginning).They may love their children etc very much but all they can think about is easing the discomfort and the AP is the fix. Compare it to someone addicted to a substance. Withdrawal is normally drawn out and painful.
This does not take away from the pain of the BS but I am only trying to explain how people may act selfishly.
Nolongerslaves came to this forum , like myself, as a WS needing support and wisdom. I know that must be very upsetting for you to accept but we want to move forwards too and hopefully help is available for all of us.
Nolongerslaves has been very open and vulnerable about how she is feeling and it would maybe help us all if, like she said, we stick with our own sections on the forum.
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Sparkle
Anthro-
Just want say thankyou for your very balanced post. 
I realise now that the affair partner has to have the courage to stick with their decision.
I suppose I don't want my affair partner to move on and forget me if I'm honest. I know that is a terribly selfish thing for me to to say though.Also if I love him as much as I say I do I should want the best for him. 
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Nolongerslaves
@Sparkle:"I suppose I don't want my affair partner to move on and forget me if I'm honest. I know that is a terribly selfish thing for me to to say though.Also if I love him as much as I say I do I should want the best for him."

I'm totally with you. I don't want mine to move on a forget me, either. He won't, though. He'll never forget me any more than I'll forget him. We may not be a part of each other's lives but that doesn't mean we forget, and that's a good thing. We can use what we've experienced to be better people the rest of our lives. 

Tbh it makes me sick to my stomach to think I may never see or tt my ex again. I just can't imagine it. Part of it for me is that he doesn't know the God I know and I really want to see this man I love come to saving faith in Jesus. I hate that I've misrepresented Jesus to him in such a terrible way, but I know the Holy Spirit can still use the situation and bring a breakthrough for my ex if his heart is receptive to it. I have tried to witness to him a little, just sharing my faith, but the devil whispers to me that my testimony can't be used for this particular man's salvation because of my sin. I know it's not true and that God still has plans to use me for the Kingdom 💜 If my work here was done I'd be in heaven right now!
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Sparkle
Wow Nolongerslaves so many similarities!
I have been praying for my ex and his salvation right throughout this whole time but I am also worried that my conduct may have spoilt my testimony!
What we need to keep in mind is that of course the Lord hates our sin but he loves the sinner and wants them to change. He loves your AP even more than you do! I try and keep this in mind every single day.
It's nice that you believe your AP will not forget you. I'm not sure about mine. The last thing my AP texted me was 'I love you'. That was nearly two months ago.
Now it appears he has met someone single, half my age and who doesn't need a wheelchair ( sorry for the self pity)
We both knew it was hopeless though and maybe he is just trying to move on.
What keeps me going is "He who began a good work in you will carry it on until the day of Christ Jesus" I can say amen to that!
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Nolongerslaves
Just because he met someone new doesn't mean he has forgotten about you or doesn't love you (unless he has the memory capacity of a goldfish). Guys process things differently than girls do. He's just doing what he feels he needs to do to get on with his life. My ex told me recently that he never got over me when we broke up nearly 20 years ago. That doesn't mean he spent the last 20 years fixated on me, he certainly did not do that and neither did I. We both got married and had 2 more kids before we reconnected. I seriously think if I'm ever single again for any reason I will want to get in contact with him. I told him that recently, too. Haven't you heard stories of old loves getting back together after like 50 years apart?? Lol! BS' s rip me for saying this but I don't care. I love my husband but if he was someday gone for whatever reason, I think I would call my ex. There's just this deep desire for him that remains in my spirit...a longing for him, even after 20 years apart...that I can't ignore completely.

I really want God to remove this from me but I don't think He will. I think He's trying to grow me through this situation and that He wants me to let my ex go. I want to, truly, because loving him while I can't have him is bondage for me. I want God's best for my life and I want to walk in His ways because that's where true freedom lies. Lord help us all!!!
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Sparkle
Thankyou for this Nolongerslaves.
I suppose he may remember me even as time passes.
I know our relationship was never really tested by the realities of life but because we had so much in common and because we'd had a good relationship in our teens it's very hard to forget and I don't want to.
I also know the Lord wants me to let go and be commuted to my marriage however difficult.
Like you I do think about the future and wonder if there would be any chance of us getting together if I were single.
My counsellor says I will grieve even if the relationship was wrong. We allowed ourselves to become close and now have to end the connection.
Do you mind me asking Nolongerslaves, how was your AP about it ending?
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Kalmarjan
I want to make a quick point re: a WS wondering whether the AP "remembers" them. This is a slippery slope where your brain is trying to justify continued contact. 

My suggestion is to think of it like this: from time to time I think of my AP, but it's never from a position of regret, how she is doing, whether she thinks of me.

I think of it more like you would the person bagging your groceries. Nice smile. Yes, I'll have a nice day, same to you. 

The point is that you need to be present with YOU and where you are right now. If that's with the BS, then your BS doubly deserves your attention, and the AP no more deserves your attention than a discarded bandaid. 

I know that seems harsh, but nothing compared to what you put your BS through, right? 
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Sparkle
Thankyou Kalmarjan for your post.
It is so helpful to have advice over what to many may be such a small thing.
I will try to be present for my BS and give less of my attention to thoughts of my AP.
I am sure it will happen in time.
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Nolongerslaves
My counselor is also very sensitive to the fact that I am grieving the loss of what was a very real relationship to me. While I know it's hurtful to my husband to hear that, I do think it's an important piece of the puzzle. I realize my husband cannot be the person I look to for comfort over missing my ex, but it's helpful for him to know all of what I'm dealing with...so everything is out in the open. I kept secrets for the entire affair - it was mentally and emotionally exhausting and I don't want to do that anymore.

You know something? I just realized I haven't cried today!  It's only 4pm so there's still time, LOL.

So, my AP and I just sort of trailed off...like, there was a serious discussion around me telling him I couldn't see him anymore. Even though we had agreed to stop sleeping together and stop text flirting, we were still meeting at this nature place for exercising (that's what we did the whole time, really, we went on walks and worked out). But I realized being around him was just too painful for me if I was gonna accept that we can't be together  (Holy Spirit prompting). So when I told him that, he said he understood and was relieved. He had been saying from the very beginning that he didn't want to be the reason for any trouble in my marriage anyway. He said he was gonna have to start spending time on self-reflection (or something). At that point I should have stopped texting him but I couldn't stay away...after 6 days I checked in with him and after that it became a casual just say hi or send a joke every couple/few days. But he's different, like he doesn't play or talk as much as he used to with me. Like he's trying to keep a distance. I wonder if he got tired of me cuz I know I got a little clingy (I always hated that about me!) So that helps me not text him too much anymore, just thinking I don't wanna make him hate me, LOL. But since I told my husband that I had maintained contact with him after confessing the affair, it's getting easier to resist texting because I'm beginning to see how important no contact is to my husband, as well as how critical it is to our healing. If I so much as think about sending him a text right now, my heart gets all emotional and so I know that the emotional part of the affair could flare up in an instant if my ex showed any interest in doing so. I don't trust myself yet. He's been cordial at best, cuz he doesn't know how to be an *ss even when people annoy him. He never initiates contact...just responds in short when I text him. But like I said, he doesdoesn't seem playful or very interested but I think that's his way of keeping things separate - making sure I remember we agreed to stop the affair. Idk if that made any sense at all, LOL.
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Vanessa
NoLonger
Please, contact your AP and let your spouse go.  Recovering from this destruction is extremely difficult even in the best circumstances and you have stated that you are not REALLY ready to go all in on your marriage.  Your spouse deserves to have you all in or to have his freedom to start healing and figuring out what the next chapter in his life will be.  No one deserves to be strung along as a plan B.
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