AwesomeFox
Can anyone please help me? I need to understand what is going on inside the mind of my WS.

I have written on these blogs before about the circumstances of my husband's affair so I'll try to be brief when explaining where we are at and then I'll ask my question.

My WS is about to leave our marital home, at my request, and move into his own place because he is having an on going affair with a woman who is 17 years younger than himself (he is 48), who has very questionable morals. I won't go into all the details here that leads me to believe she is a serial cheater who uses people, but believe me when I say there's plenty of evidence on which I can base my opinions.

My WS and I have been together for 17 years, married 14, and we have no children, but we have worked together in a succession of businesses for the entire time we have been together. I thought we had a good marriage, a few problems yes, but we were always a 'team' (the WS thought so too).

His affair has been going on for 4 months and I found out 3 months ago. The affair has all the symptoms of a classic infatuation, my WS appears to be in deep and as a consequence and in spite of the fact he is usually a decent and intelligent man, he is treating me rather meanly, in that he has no regard for my feelings whatsoever and is barely able to control his impatience or anger for anything I say or do.

I am 53 and am old enough and wise enough to realise that infatuations blow them selves out sooner or later and that they also make you very selfish, so I have chosen to remain calm and not get angry (albeit with a few slip ups), and am currently trying to be as supportive as possible, whilst laying down boundaries, getting on with my life etc. etc., all the classic and brilliant things Tim has suggested we as BS's should do. The point being that I would dearly love to give our marriage a second chance if we ever get the opportunity to re-build.

You see, I love my husband (the person he was before!) very much and one day hope we can build a different, better marriage. And for that reason I am letting go. But he seems to hate me so much I cannot believe that, even if the affair finishes, he will ever see me in a respectful, let alone, loving light again. The way he seems to be treating me at the moment I cannot see that he will ever feel anything but resentment and hate for me and I know he thinks we had a 'bad' marriage. I have tried to let him know that the door is open and have tried not to antagonise him by being cold, indifferent or angry towards him, in spite of the fact my heart is breaking, I treat him like he is a distant friend staying in my house, although I do not try to engage him in pleasant conversation or anything. I just answer pleasantly if he talks to me.

I know he may never want to 'come back' to me and, in many ways, I am resigned to this and am making plans to get on with my own life (I am a capable and strong woman). But I can't help harbouring a little bit of hope that one day there may be a chance at reconciliation. I think this, simply, because I know that when you are out of an infatuation you do see things a lot clearer and I know, then he will be more objective about me and our marriage.

So - to my question. Do you think that it's possible for feelings of hate to ever turn back round again into feelings of love? And does he really hate me or is it the guilt just manifesting itself? Any insight/opinions on this would be gratefully received... Are there any WS's out there who can tell me they despised their wives whilst they were having an affair and then came to love them again after the affair ended....?

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Guiltguilt
In my situation, no healing could happen between us until we were apart, and that was after the after the affair ended. Despised isn't a word I'd use. I was definitely resentful. When the fog lifted, and I started working on the marriage, before Dday, I could see the positives in my wife that I couldn't see before.

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Anna26
I'm not a WS but I don't think he hates you, I think it's just indifference towards you and the marriage. Rewriting history of your relationship in order to justify things is fairly common I think.

There is every chance that he will see things clearly again but you're doing the right thing in preparing and helping yourself become stronger.

We are in this situation too, though my husband has never been mean or rewritten things, to me anyway. He's now been living elsewhere for 14 Months and seems to prefer being there. I know it will now be difficult for us to get back together as you get used to life apart, but I haven't given up hope completely yet. Our relationship is a reasonably caring one. For the most part I count my blessings and know that even without him I will be okay.
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Heidi
During and in the aftermath of the affair, my husband became very child like. Your husband's hatred sounds a bit like a child, hating you because you won't let him have everything he wants (her, his house, to still be the hero in his world). From being the big man, he's suddenly revealed himself to be an arse and he has to have someone to blame, because it can't possibly be his fault, can it?

Whenever I enforce boundaries with my kids I get kick back. I suspect this may be what's happening with your H.
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AwesomeFox
Ah Guilt - the fog. I reckon that's the culprit. The state of his mind is basically me, me, me. He cannot even acknowledge to himself I have any good qualities at the moment. And you are so right Heidi - he is very childlike. He gets cross at the tiniest thing - about 10 pm last night he went off in a huff which lasted till he went to bed. He said I wasn't grateful enough because, he wanted to go and have a soak in the bath, but that would mean no hot water for me so he had decided to have a shower (he has a shower most days, I don't do showers preferring to bathe). This happened about 5 minutes after I'd arrived home from being out all evening and was in the middle of booking theatre tickets on-line, so I was a bit distracted. He'd been in all evening!

Honestly, in the cold hard light of day I'm realising that I'm not even sure I care whether he hates me or not hahahaha. I cannot wait for him to move out. He is toxic at the moment. Moping around the house, spending hours in his room strumming his guitar, completely oblivious to anything at all to do with me -  I feel like I'm living with a sulky teenager!

Thank you all for your comments - and Anna26, you are an inspiration!!

I reckon the love for me will never come back - but the way things are going I won't love him myself, so I'll be saved all the hurt. However, I do reckon there will come a time - and it may be in a few years - when we will be able to talk sensibly together about what happened. Who knows......? By that time I'll probably be with my new Scandinavian husband (don't ask me why he's Scandinavian - I just like them ok?), and I'll be v happy. Hurrah!!!
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AwesomeFox
oo oo a new character trait! I have noticed that when my WS has NOT had contact with his AP he's much nicer. He's working this week as a cow-boy (don't ask) at our local county show and won't have had any contact with her this morning. He just phoned me and was quite normal, I wouldn't say nice exactly, but there was no defensiveness, no coldness etc., What's all that about??? Why does his level of civility towards me seem to depend on whether he's seen the AP or not? Curious eh?
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Anna26
Awesome, I'm guessing it's because the fog clears just that little bit when he doesn't see her. He hasn't got her influence, (even indirect influence) rubbing off on him.   Just shows you how that NC rule is so important.  Wouldn't it be good if the AP had to go away somewhere for six months for some reason, and the space gives the fog time to lift...

I keep hoping she does something horrible, or he finds something out about her that makes him see her in her true light.
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AwesomeFox
Anna I think you are right. Although he's already found some things out about her that are horrible...e.g She claims her first husband was physically abusive for the entirety of their marriage (around 5 years - during which she had 2 children by him) and that my WS has seen medical evidence (somehow??) that proves the 1st husband was abusive. So this woman - instead of either just leaving her husband or even seeking help from the right sort of people so she CAN leave him, her solution was......wait for it...... to sign up to a dating agency and find someone to have an extra-marital affair with!!! This was done in spite of the facts that a) Her 1st husband was abusive (?) and b) there were 2 small children at home (one just over a year old). Needless to say, the 1st husband found out about the affair and divorced her! 

My WS seriously believes this woman is just a victim of circumstance. Honestly, he's a bloody fool. This hasn't rung alarm bells in his poor, addled head so, frankly, I don't know what will hahahaha.
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UrbanExplorer
Is your WS sort of a rescuer personality?
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AwesomeFox
To be honest Urban I wouldn't say my WS has a rescuer personality per se. He is kind to people and does like to help them if needed, but I don't think he's really rescuing the AP. She won't leave her current husband because of the kids and this husband does know about the affair, but is not kicking her out because he would 'die' if she left him (his words). So it's not like my WS is doing any actual rescuing.

I would say that it's more about what he's getting out of the situation rather than solving any problems for the AP. I think he just feels needed because as sure as eggs is eggs she's probably laying it on thick about the 'awful' position she's in. And my WS, therefore, is supporting her emotionally. This is a HUGE difference to me because, usually, I am a capable woman who can deal with my own problems and I'm quite good at 'getting on with things'. However, the last couple of years I've needed more support from him (I'm having quite tough menopausal symptoms), but he appeared to run away... so when the chips are down I'm not sure he could actually keep up the act of being a rescuer hahaha.
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Vanessa
Awesome, I wish we could sit and have a cup of coffee (or tea if you are across the pond?)
My WS fell for a damsel in distress story of how her husband had an affair. . . .  turns out he had a "retaliatory affair" after she had had several of her own.  WS does not see how manipulative she was being in her "selective" disclosure of her situation.  She has been married for 33 years.  We were happily married (according to him) for 17 years when he strayed.  She voluntarily told her husband even though WS told her he "wasn't sure about leaving his marriage" - so then she is "homeless" and WS feels the need to provide for her! 
We faced the added problem that he is an airline pilot so he is gone from home a lot - she is "surprise!" a flight attendant with the same airline - what a cliche!
For financial reasons, I have divorced WS, but many days I still harbor hope that we can have a loving relationship in future.  Other days I think why would I want someone who is so gullible? 
Virtual hugs from a sister in pain
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AwesomeFox
Hello Vanessa.

Many thanks for the virtual hugs - much appreciated and I'm send hugs back to you to. And yes, I am across the pond and am having a cup of tea as I type this.

I am trying to decide whether hope is a good thing or a bad thing. I know I need to just move on and forget about my WS, but only 3 months ago I had a mainly good marriage, a husband, a best friend of 17 years and a lovely future together. And it's all gone. The hope that me and my WS may be able to move forward and re-build together eventually is what has kept me calm and made me try hard not to argue with him - in spite of the fact he has antagonised me so much that I could knock his block off!!!

I have experienced extreme infatuation myself in the past (though not when I was married), so I remember how all consuming it is and how difficult it is for you to be objective whilst you are in the first throws of that heady passion, but I also know that it burns out and you are left wondering what the hell happened. I remember well that once it had passed I thought that I had been saved from myself because I would NOT have liked being in a long term relationship with that person as there were so many things about him that didn't 'fit'. Luckily, however, I hadn't lost anything as a result of my infatuation so no damage was done.

My WS, however, has given up everything. Me, his home, all his friends, his standing in our community and - it seems - his reason, because his AP is so far removed from what he considers to be a good person, that I cannot do anything but hope that for sure he will wake up one day and 'smell the coffee' as we say.

However, he may never do that and, it's possible that if he does, he will not want me again. I can't help thinking that, in order to save myself, I need to stop hoping that it will come good. Largely, I have done that and am just getting on with my life but, as I said, the little ray of hope I have is a killer.

Ah well, only time will tell.....

I hope your situation turns out the way you want it. You haven't said how long ago your nightmare started...?
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Valntine66

Fox,

I am a WH.  The original question of what goes through a WS mind varies.  Doles the WS want to keep the marriage or throw it all away.  My BS said to me a week ago, "You wanted to throw our marriage away, the kids away, the church away, your pastorate away, and me away by having an affair."  That is so far from the truth.  During the affair, for me, I thought I could hide it, but I forgot the Bible verse, Numbers 32:23 "But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the Lord: and be sure your sin will find you out."  Lo and behold, it found me out 1.5 months after it started.

Now what goes through my mind?  For me, wanting to work my marriage, working on me, changing my behaviors that led to the affair, and proving to my family that I am working on the marriage.  What also goes through my mind is, "My adult children are there for me, but my BS is not."  My kids love me (they do say they love me), my kids help me with the areas of life I lacked that my BS performed like the shopping, buy my clothes, and question my schedule.  Also what goes through my mind is, "Why is my BS not responding like the other couples who are reconciling together?"  I get it, every couple is different and I guess I can chalk that statement up to my BS is different.  It has been 4 months (2/11/16) since D-Day, she moved out of the house, leaving me and our adult children here and she lives with our oldest daughter, her husband and our 2 grand children.  But so far, of all the couples I have read, they say that they want to work on the marriage, but mine has not said that statement.  My kids have told me she said it and I believe it, but why do her actions show different?  I have been reminded by my pastor and children, "She has not filed for divorce, she talks with you, she still works in the Deaf ministry with you, AND she invited you to fly down to CA."  Is that, 'I want to work on our marriage."

Then a final thought of what does the WS think such as me?  I know the answer to this question, but I am hoping that some insight from someone that did reconcile, will we go back to what we were before the Affair?  Probably another topic on this question.

Val
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Guiltguilt
She's absolutely right about throwing everything away. These are the consequences of our actions.

I leave my wife alone. I respect her privacy. There is still the possibility that she will want nothing to do with me apart from business regarding our daughter. That's her decision, it is her right to do with her life as she wishes. I have to respect that.
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