Mad84
So I suspected my husband was having an affair about a year ago. When questioned he denied it. I broke into our phone records last August and found the truth. It was someone he worked with. When confronted he said they were just really good friends and the only thing they had done was kissed. He agreed to stop talking to her..unfriend her on all social media and go to counseling. About a month later I noticed he started treating me different..he became mean and he made it difficult for to want to stay in the marriage but we had an almost 1 year at the time. I knew he was still talking to her but had no proof because he locked me out of the phone account.

The day after Christmas was the worst day of my life. He came home from work and said he was going out and wouldn't say where. I was home with our baby and as I was putting him to sleep I had missed call and vm from and unknown number and 10 missed calls from my husband
My heart sank. I called the number back and it was the AP'S husband telling me he came home from work early to surprise his wife and found my husband in their bed. Long story short he pleaded with me to give him a chance and I told him I had to think about but I ended up giving him a chance. Along the way I have asked questions about if he loved her and he always down played it. In February I found text messages they exchanged where he would tell her he loved her and he can't wait to marry her someday. I can't seem to get past that. When I ask him he says if I really wanted to be with her I would have left you by now. But him saying that doesn't really help and I don't know how to get past it. He has been much more open. I do have access to his accounts and social media and I haven't seen any communication between them and they do not work together anymore. But how could he tell her those things and still stay with me?
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Anna26
Mad84 wrote:
So I suspected my husband was having an affair about a year ago. When questioned he denied it. I broke into our phone records last August and found the truth. It was someone he worked with. When confronted he said they were just really good friends and the only thing they had done was kissed. He agreed to stop talking to her..unfriend her on all social media and go to counseling. About a month later I noticed he started treating me different..he became mean and he made it difficult for to want to stay in the marriage but we had an almost 1 year at the time. I knew he was still talking to her but had no proof because he locked me out of the phone account. The day after Christmas was the worst day of my life. He came home from work and said he was going out and wouldn't say where. I was home with our baby and as I was putting him to sleep I had missed call and vm from and unknown number and 10 missed calls from my husband My heart sank. I called the number back and it was the AP'S husband telling me he came home from work early to surprise his wife and found my husband in their bed. Long story short he pleaded with me to give him a chance and I told him I had to think about but I ended up giving him a chance. Along the way I have asked questions about if he loved her and he always down played it. In February I found text messages they exchanged where he would tell her he loved her and he can't wait to marry her someday. I can't seem to get past that. When I ask him he says if I really wanted to be with her I would have left you by now. But him saying that doesn't really help and I don't know how to get past it. He has been much more open. I do have access to his accounts and social media and I haven't seen any communication between them and they do not work together anymore. But how could he tell her those things and still stay with me?



Mad84,

I'm so sorry that you, like so many of us here are going through this terrible time.  He sounds so much like my husband, who carried on with his affair too, but had actually never said he was ending the affair with her.  He couldn't decide, and was absolutely convinced he loved this woman, but he didn't want to hurt or leave me either.  I too found text messages back and forth telling each other their feelings, but neither of them knew what to do, whether to leave to be with each other or not. I guess there was just too much to lose.  They worked together at times too, and that is one of the hardest things to deal with, the fact that you don't know what is going on when they are at work.  And he always said 'she was a friend and always would be' and still seems to think they could go back to just a plain old friendship.
Fast forward and we are now living apart, but getting on reasonably well.  Needless to say, I don't know whether he sees her any more or not, but she is still with her husband.

And it sounds like your husband initially went underground with his affair, after telling you the opposite. The fact that  he started locking you out of accounts and things suggests that he very much had something to hide.
At that point he was probably living 'in the fog' as we say.  Everything is seen through rose coloured glasses, and it's a real ego trip with each of them stoking each others ego.  All of those little things that seem to be missing from your marriage are suddenly there in the persona of someone who is so exciting and wonderful to be with. It's limerence, it's the same feeling that you have at the beginning of any relationship, and we all know that doesn't last, but turns into something better and stronger.  But they continue living the dream, and each time they see each other it's like a drug, an addiction.
I have no doubt that sometimes those feelings of love can be real, but the truth is, the relationship probably isn't strong enough to stand up to the real world outside that comfortable protective cocoon.

I think when the AP's husband discovered them together, your H has had rather a rude awakening from his dream life!

I'm assuming that when you mention the text messages they are older undeleted ones and not recent?  It would have been better if he had deleted them, rather than it remind him (and you)of how he felt.  No contact is so important, it's so easy for something to kickstart the whole thing off again and certainly sets you back in your recovery.

But it's sounding like he is at least making some kind of effort into being open and honest with you.  The fact that you have access to his accounts and social media is a good sign. 
Trust is a hard thing to build up again, it takes time and it will help you to look at what he is doing to show you he is being accountable, his actions will show more than his words.  He's probably regretting a whole heap of things right now, including those texts, he told her those things because he believed them to be real at the time. Maybe now he knows how implausible it all really was.   It sounds like he's thinking more clearly now. To me at least...
Hope it continues to improve for you.

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