ssix6pack
I hope I can clearly communicate this..

Many of you know my story. Husband had a one night stand, it was confessed the same weekend. He’s done anything and everything to help me heal. He’s done more than I’ve asked. He’s heartbroken at his actions, he’s been an open book....yada yada. 

I’m really having a hard time healing. I feel like he’s healing so much faster. He gets very sad when I’m sad, he isn’t unmoved or apathetic about what he did. But, I feel much more broken than he is. Does this make sense? Is this “normal”? Is this worrisome? 

I’m convinced I have full disclosure. Convinced he hates himself for it. Convinced he’s doing everything he can...

Should I really be this broken over a confessed ONS? Should I be healing faster? Am I doing “ok”? He just seems to be healing so much better than I am. I’m almost 6 months past d day. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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anthropoidape
Yes. It shattered a foundation. It's structural damage. 

And of course he is healing faster, he doesn't actually have anything much to heal from.

It's as if he ran you over while drunk. You don't say, gee that drunk driver that put me in a wheelchair seems to be dealing with it a lot better than I am. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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ssix6pack
Yes. It shattered a foundation. It's structural damage. 

And of course he is healing faster, he doesn't actually have anything much to heal from.

It's as if he ran you over while drunk. You don't say, gee that drunk driver that put me in a wheelchair seems to be dealing with it a lot better than I am. 


I have heard the car accident analogy so many times, but never thought about it from that perspective. Thank you for that. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Damaged
Yes. It shattered a foundation. It's structural damage. 

And of course he is healing faster, he doesn't actually have anything much to heal from.

It's as if he ran you over while drunk. You don't say, gee that drunk driver that put me in a wheelchair seems to be dealing with it a lot better than I am. 
My H used a very similar analogy when I asked him why he never talked about the A without me bringing it up. He said it was like a car accident. He was the driver and I was the passenger. In the accident I lost my leg. My immediate response was that I was paralyzed from the waist down. Your H wants to put the A behind him. Your time frame is much longer than his. I’m nearly 2 years out and just starting to feel normal again.
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BrokenHearted
ssix6pack wrote:
I hope I can clearly communicate this..

Many of you know my story. Husband had a one night stand, it was confessed the same weekend. He’s done anything and everything to help me heal. He’s done more than I’ve asked. He’s heartbroken at his actions, he’s been an open book....yada yada. 

I’m really having a hard time healing. I feel like he’s healing so much faster. He gets very sad when I’m sad, he isn’t unmoved or apathetic about what he did. But, I feel much more broken than he is. Does this make sense? Is this “normal”? Is this worrisome? 

I’m convinced I have full disclosure. Convinced he hates himself for it. Convinced he’s doing everything he can...

Should I really be this broken over a confessed ONS? Should I be healing faster? Am I doing “ok”? He just seems to be healing so much better than I am. I’m almost 6 months past d day. 


I wasn't anywhere near healing at 6 months. I'm 1.7 yrs out and still struggling. You heal at your own pace, and you can't speed it up. I was told by a friend that had similar trauma to mine she was healed at 8 months. She still wonders why I'm taking so long. But again, we all heal at our own pace.
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Trinity


I wasn't anywhere near healing at 6 months. I'm 1.7 yrs out and still struggling. You heal at your own pace, and you can't speed it up. I was told by a friend that had similar trauma to mine she was healed at 8 months. She still wonders why I'm taking so long. But again, we all heal at our own pace.


100% agree.  I was still completely OUT OF MY MIND at the 6 month mark.  I was so out of my mind that I can't even recall much of anything from D-Day to the 6 month mark except a TON of pain and crying.  
My WS had a ONS as well and I am 1 yr out and honestly........ I pray daily for peace and healing.  I'm not there yet either.  Don;t be too hard on yourself, healing takes time.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Trinity


And of course he is healing faster, he doesn't actually have anything much to heal from.
 


Truth be told !!!!!!!!!!!  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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ssix6pack
Thanks. I told my husband some of this last night and woke to to see he had written me a letter concerning this subject. He seems well aware, and understanding, that this will take me much longer than him. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
At 6 months out I was still full steam ahead on the rage train. Like Trinity the entire first year was nothing but pain and rage for me. I didn’t even begin to feel any better until after the first year. 

I also agree with others, he doesn’t have much to heal from.  He has experienced no trauma. He has not been injured. His ability to trust has not been imploded. He was not betrayed in the worst way by the person who vowed to never do that. Who pledged thier life to him.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Thanks everyone. I think what I’m learning is I’ve been very preoccupied with my husband’s transformation, and not my healing. In a way, his transformation has helped my healing, but it isn’t everything I need. I think I was keeping my eyes on him closely to see if i was even safe - I’d that makes sense. 

Now, I really need to turn the focus in on me. Any resources you all have found helpful in your own unearthing of yourself/emotions? Although it’s expensive I’ve discussed with my husband the possibility of doing one of affair recovery’s programs for the betrayed. But, books or other suggestions? 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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BorealJ
ssix6pack wrote:
Thanks everyone. I think what I’m learning is I’ve been very preoccupied with my husband’s transformation, and not my healing. In a way, his transformation has helped my healing, but it isn’t everything I need. I think I was keeping my eyes on him closely to see if i was even safe - I’d that makes sense. 

Now, I really need to turn the focus in on me. Any resources you all have found helpful in your own unearthing of yourself/emotions? Although it’s expensive I’ve discussed with my husband the possibility of doing one of affair recovery’s programs for the betrayed. But, books or other suggestions? 
  There's the manual linked to at the bottom of this page (the one for BSs), but to be honest, I found it helpful to engage in non-affair specific stuff because that kept it about me.  Personality Hacker podcast is a good one. 
Better than any self-help resources: spend time with friends, engage your community, take part in your hobbies.  Those things have way more healing powers than any book (unless books are your hobby). 
Tonight, I went to a concert in the park and danced with my daughters.  We even managed to get my wife to dance with us for the last song.  I feel great.  This after a fairly distressing evening last night that left me feeling worse than I have felt in a long time.  But that didn't matter because of the music, my kids, and being there in the moment. 
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ssix6pack
BorealJ wrote:
  There's the manual linked to at the bottom of this page (the one for BSs), but to be honest, I found it helpful to engage in non-affair specific stuff because that kept it about me.  Personality Hacker podcast is a good one. 
Better than any self-help resources: spend time with friends, engage your community, take part in your hobbies.  Those things have way more healing powers than any book (unless books are your hobby). 
Tonight, I went to a concert in the park and danced with my daughters.  We even managed to get my wife to dance with us for the last song.  I feel great.  This after a fairly distressing evening last night that left me feeling worse than I have felt in a long time.  But that didn't matter because of the music, my kids, and being there in the moment. 


books are definitely my hobby! I am currently listening to “unchain your brain” and “the power of vulnerability” by Brene Brown. Thank you for all of your encouragement and help. I had a really good day yesterday, and this morning I feel in a good place. 

Tonigt is our standard check in night and those are usually helpful. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Misericordia
What ssix6pack wrote really resonated with me. I, too, had been very focused on my husband’s transformation. When I let go of this and focused on my own spiritual growth, spending time with friends and family, reconnecting with the world more deeply, incorporating mindfulness into my daily life....my healing took a quantum leap.
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