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UrbanExplorer
Graceandhope wrote:
If you're open and transparent and volunteer information, there is not the need to snoop.
You're defensive, you spent time being sneaky, dishonest and hurtful, is it possible that is a trigger for feeling shameful?


It's probably a chicken and egg situation. I have lots and lots of core shame, so I trust and reveal myself fully to no one (not even in a 21 year relationship), so my husband snoops, and then I feel like a shamed child again.
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Graceandhope
But that's on you, those are your feelings and at some point you can't blame your upbringing because if you choose not to face those that is who you choose to be. He is reacting to a situation that JUST happened to him and he is working on processing those feelings of hurt and inadequacy.
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UrbanExplorer
That is the focus of my intensive psychotherapy. I'm not blaming my husband for not trusting me. I'm not even really blaming my upbringing, but we absolutely carry forward patterns formed in our first intimate relationships, which are those with our parents/caregivers. Without releasing that baggage, there is no chance at real intimacy.
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Anna26
UrbanExplorer wrote:
That is the focus of my intensive psychotherapy. I'm not blaming my husband for not trusting me. I'm not even really blaming my upbringing, but we absolutely carry forward patterns formed in our first intimate relationships, which are those with our parents/caregivers. Without releasing that baggage, there is no chance at real intimacy.



I agree with you here Urban, I'm a BS and I know that deep down somewhere I have issues with insecurity and quite poor communication skills, that probably stem from somewhere in my childhood. Yeah, I know, I can 'talk' for England when I'm WRITING lol, but you put me face to face with someone and I find it really hard to express myself verbally.

You learn things from your role models, whoever they may be, and if those primary caregivers have issues of their own, then it's really difficult for a child to grow up well balanced and confident.
Then you go through life wondering why you have problems.
I wonder just how many people have issues within that they don't even realise...

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sunflower07
UrbanExplorer wrote:


Your WS sounds like me. I struggle with emotional intimacy, am intensely private, and having someone monitor me triggers childhood baggage involving my mother snooping and shaming me. It makes recovery hard.


Well, I found evidence he is still in contact with the AP so I left him today.

Guess there was a reason he didn't want to be transparent. He's going ballistic right now that I left. All of his abusive language has come out again.

Fact of the matter is, I'm starting to think there really is no hope for us because he will never take the look at himself that he needs to do.

So guess I need to start planning the rest of my life without him. I love him but I cannot let him hurt me anymore. There's only so much pain a girl can take.
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Anna26
Sunflower07:

I'm so sorry to hear this, I know how gutting it can be to find out that they are still in contact with the AP.  It sounds to me as if you've given him a huge wake up call.  Maybe he thought you would always be there to take his indecision and indifference.  Perhaps he thought he had the best of both worlds and now you've thrown a spanner in the works!

I'm not sure if my own husband is in touch with her or not, I never get to find much out, but like you, I feel at some point I will have to decide how much longer I live in limbo as I'm doing right now.
Think it's a case of preparing for the worst but hoping for the best...and I really hope your husband realises what he's about to lose before it's too late...
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sunflower07
Anna26 wrote:
Sunflower07:

I'm so sorry to hear this, I know how gutting it can be to find out that they are still in contact with the AP.  It sounds to me as if you've given him a huge wake up call.  Maybe he thought you would always be there to take his indecision and indifference.  Perhaps he thought he had the best of both worlds and now you've thrown a spanner in the works!

I'm not sure if my own husband is in touch with her or not, I never get to find much out, but like you, I feel at some point I will have to decide how much longer I live in limbo as I'm doing right now.
Think it's a case of preparing for the worst but hoping for the best...and I really hope your husband realises what he's about to lose before it's too late...


Thank you. I just couldn't take it anymore. He swears he's not in contact with her but I'm so confused, I just cannot tell.

And the fact he refuses transparency just makes all the harder. He has also hesitated on making any formal effort at counseling or even reading something.

Guess I can't force him. I really stopped trying a few days ago. Started doing the 180 a little. That was driving him nuts. It made me feel manipulative actually because he reacted so strongly.

But finding more proof today, or what appears to be proof and then him refusing to let me see our cell phone bill just sort of sums it up for me.

Not sure what to do next. Guess I'll just take some space and time.
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UrbanExplorer
sunflower07 wrote:


Thank you. I just couldn't take it anymore. He swears he's not in contact with her but I'm so confused, I just cannot tell.

And the fact he refuses transparency just makes all the harder. He has also hesitated on making any formal effort at counseling or even reading something.

Guess I can't force him. I really stopped trying a few days ago. Started doing the 180 a little. That was driving him nuts. It made me feel manipulative actually because he reacted so strongly.

But finding more proof today, or what appears to be proof and then him refusing to let me see our cell phone bill just sort of sums it up for me.

Not sure what to do next. Guess I'll just take some space and time.


I'm so sorry. Perhaps this will force him to take a closer look at himself and also give you some peace.
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sunflower07
UrbanExplorer wrote:


I'm so sorry. Perhaps this will force him to take a closer look at himself and also give you some peace.




Thank you. Just an update. I'm back in the house because he agreed to counseling. I held my ground but finally caved after he broke down sobbing. This is the first time he's done this so I have to move forward with my marriage.

This is so hard and exhausting. When will the roller coaster end?
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Fionarob
sunflower07 - I hope your actions have finally shown your husband that something has to change.  My situation also came to the crunch in November 2015, when I said it's either counselling or we are not going to make it.  My husband finally agreed.  Maybe I put too much hope or faith in the fact that he agreed and I thought it was going to be a solution.  It seemed to be doing some good - but then in December I discovered the affair was still on going.

So we went to another counselling session where I was saying I wanted the marriage to end, and my husband was pleading for one more chance.  The counsellors made it all very clear to him, the affair has to end, absolutely no contact. They offered him tremendous support in how to end it, 'phoned him just before he went to tell her it was over, and straight after.  They were available to him 24/7 when he needed support or was struggling with getting over her and letting her go.

I thought it was all working, things finally started to improve in the last few weeks, or so I thought.  Then a few days ago I discovered he is still emailing her.  I am not sure if this is the full extent of his contact with her or not, but even the emailing is too much.  I wanted to throw him out, make him feel the pain of it all as I don't think he realises that even the odd email now and again is just too much, and has caused me an enormous set back.

I am still trying to decide what to do, I am in limbo.  My counsellor sent me a book to read - Stay or Leave by Beverley Stone.  I know everything the book says is right and makes sense.  I also know I told my husband this was the very last chance and he has not respected that.  But he is telling me he doesn't want to leave, that he now sees all the problems are his, that he has to make some huge changes.  While it's great to finally hear him saying these things, is it just too late? I don't know which way to go.  We have children - do you have children?  If so, how have you explained your leaving to them?
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sunflower07
Fionarob wrote:
sunflower07 - I hope your actions have finally shown your husband that something has to change.  My situation also came to the crunch in November 2015, when I said it's either counselling or we are not going to make it.  My husband finally agreed.  Maybe I put too much hope or faith in the fact that he agreed and I thought it was going to be a solution.  It seemed to be doing some good - but then in December I discovered the affair was still on going.

So we went to another counselling session where I was saying I wanted the marriage to end, and my husband was pleading for one more chance.  The counsellors made it all very clear to him, the affair has to end, absolutely no contact. They offered him tremendous support in how to end it, 'phoned him just before he went to tell her it was over, and straight after.  They were available to him 24/7 when he needed support or was struggling with getting over her and letting her go.

I thought it was all working, things finally started to improve in the last few weeks, or so I thought.  Then a few days ago I discovered he is still emailing her.  I am not sure if this is the full extent of his contact with her or not, but even the emailing is too much.  I wanted to throw him out, make him feel the pain of it all as I don't think he realises that even the odd email now and again is just too much, and has caused me an enormous set back.

I am still trying to decide what to do, I am in limbo.  My counsellor sent me a book to read - Stay or Leave by Beverley Stone.  I know everything the book says is right and makes sense.  I also know I told my husband this was the very last chance and he has not respected that.  But he is telling me he doesn't want to leave, that he now sees all the problems are his, that he has to make some huge changes.  While it's great to finally hear him saying these things, is it just too late? I don't know which way to go.  We have children - do you have children?  If so, how have you explained your leaving to them?


Yes, we have children. They are older and they know what's going on. They are 16 and 19. I told them I was leaving and going to find a place where they could join me. The girls are our biologically nieces who we took in when they were 1 and 4. Their father is my husband's brother so I have no biological connection to them although I have been their mother since the day my husband brought them home to me in 2001.

Part of what my husband struggles with is the price we had to make for taking the girls in. He is resentful to his family about this. I feel this partly affected his choice to have an affair. This is really why I think counseling will help us plus also the part about working on our marriage.

I'm hopeful! He begged me to come home and agreed to counseling so I'm just gonna take this one day at a time for now.
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