sunflower07 - I hope your actions have finally shown your husband that something has to change. My situation also came to the crunch in November 2015, when I said it's either counselling or we are not going to make it. My husband finally agreed. Maybe I put too much hope or faith in the fact that he agreed and I thought it was going to be a solution. It seemed to be doing some good - but then in December I discovered the affair was still on going.
So we went to another counselling session where I was saying I wanted the marriage to end, and my husband was pleading for one more chance. The counsellors made it all very clear to him, the affair has to end, absolutely no contact. They offered him tremendous support in how to end it, 'phoned him just before he went to tell her it was over, and straight after. They were available to him 24/7 when he needed support or was struggling with getting over her and letting her go.
I thought it was all working, things finally started to improve in the last few weeks, or so I thought. Then a few days ago I discovered he is still emailing her. I am not sure if this is the full extent of his contact with her or not, but even the emailing is too much. I wanted to throw him out, make him feel the pain of it all as I don't think he realises that even the odd email now and again is just too much, and has caused me an enormous set back.
I am still trying to decide what to do, I am in limbo. My counsellor sent me a book to read - Stay or Leave by Beverley Stone. I know everything the book says is right and makes sense. I also know I told my husband this was the very last chance and he has not respected that. But he is telling me he doesn't want to leave, that he now sees all the problems are his, that he has to make some huge changes. While it's great to finally hear him saying these things, is it just too late? I don't know which way to go. We have children - do you have children? If so, how have you explained your leaving to them?
Yes, we have children. They are older and they know what's going on. They are 16 and 19. I told them I was leaving and going to find a place where they could join me. The girls are our biologically nieces who we took in when they were 1 and 4. Their father is my husband's brother so I have no biological connection to them although I have been their mother since the day my husband brought them home to me in 2001.
Part of what my husband struggles with is the price we had to make for taking the girls in. He is resentful to his family about this. I feel this partly affected his choice to have an affair. This is really why I think counseling will help us plus also the part about working on our marriage.
I'm hopeful! He begged me to come home and agreed to counseling so I'm just gonna take this one day at a time for now.