Bigmama
Please help.
I am 2 years and 9 months past D-Day.  My husband and I have worked hard and now have a wonderful marriage. Other than the occasional triggers or "horror-versaries", I don't dwell on the past anymore.  My problem is that I HATE the OW.  I know its not a Christian thing to say or do, but I really do hate her!  Before anyone blows up at me, I realize that my husband is mostly to blame for the affair.I have no illusions as to who is responsible for the betrayal in my marriage. With lots of work and therapy, I have forgiven him and his role in the infidelity.  The OW did know that I existed because she evidently stalked my FB page for 6 months before I found out about the affair. In fact, she kept checks on my children's FB accounts as well.

My problem is I want her to suffer! I want her to suffer like I was made to suffer.  I want her to know that you just can't go sleep with another woman's husband (regardless of his role in the affair) and not suffer.  I would love to have a confrontation with her but I am smart enough to know the futility of such an act. I want BADLY to expose her on "She's a Homewrecker" website so everyone can see what a narcissistic Sociopathic whore she really is....but I just can't do it.  I cannot purposefully inflict pain on another human being...I just can't.

What I really want is to no think of her anymore. I don't want her occupying any more space in my head.
How do I get past this need for her to pay for her role in the affair??
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Damaged
I don’t know how you get past it. I also hate the OW! I’m 1 year 7 months out. My H is 27 years older than her. He pushed her to get into a professional school and even wrote her a recommendation. She got into a school that will send students to rotate through my place of business. He did talk to her and she said that she would not come to my place of employment. I have so much hate for this woman. I want her to suffer also. Unfortunately, she has nothing to loose and we have everything to loose. So I can’t do anything. We are just really lucky that this whole thing did not blow up. No one knows. If it would have come out, I would have notified every school in the country that one of her recommendations was from my H who she was sleeping with. I would do everything in my power ( after consulting a lawyers) to make sure alll future relationships know about her past. I know exactly how you feel.
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Vanessa
It is very hard to get past the anger at the person who chose to help blow up your world.  But the person who chooses to have a relationship with a married person does so with no regard for personal morals or integrity - so they DO suffer every time they look in the mirror. 

Real self-esteem is NOT gained from the sparkly "feel good feelings" of an affair.  It is found in doing the right thing and Knowing you can live with what you have done. 

Ask the WS on here how they feel about what they have done to the people they love - pretty much unanimously, they feel self loathing for the choices they made.
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MITM
Bigmama wrote:
My problem is I want her to suffer! I want her to suffer like I was made to suffer.  I want her to know that you just can't go sleep with another woman's husband (regardless of his role in the affair) and not suffer.  I would love to have a confrontation with her but I am smart enough to know the futility of such an act. I want BADLY to expose her on "She's a Homewrecker" website so everyone can see what a narcissistic Sociopathic whore she really is....but I just can't do it.  I cannot purposefully inflict pain on another human being...I just can't.

What I really want is to no think of her anymore. I don't want her occupying any more space in my head.
How do I get past this need for her to pay for her role in the affair??

Hey Bigmama - how about this: She will pay. Most likely, she is already paying. APs are often pretty damaged goods themselves. And this one is social-media stalking? That is not the behaviour of someone who's leading any kind of decent or happy life, believe me. Living that kind of selfish, obsessive existence never leads to anywhere good. For many, it leads to loneliness and despair - rock bottom, in other words. Not that I'm a huge believer in karma, but I do strongly believe that if you treat people like cr*p and think only of yourself for long enough, in the end you will be the one who pays. So the only real advice I can give is this: you can't help fantasising about these things every now and then, and that's perfectly OK as long as they don't become obsessions. But have a little faith: sooner or later, life will teach her the lesson she needs to learn. And that's not your problem; you've got much more important things to think about.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Ginger
It's been 3 years and she's still pinning about him on Pinterest, stalking me on social media-- so yeah, hate would be an understatement.   Loathe.  Despise. Amazed that her "new" husband is blind to her obsession with mine.
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ThrivenotSurvive
This one is gonna be long, bear with me.

I am at 22 months and I don’t know if I can say I hate her - though I also don’t think I’ve forgiven her. Part of me is angry and another part feels sorry for her - I have a hard time thinking that someone in a truly happy, emotionally stable frame of mind would do something like this.

What I really struggle with is trying to understand her perspective. It’s actually something that I spend far, far too much time thinking about. I know it isn’t a good idea, but even now I get the desire to send her an email and just ask WHY? What did you realistically expect to get out of it?

(A little background: my husband and I had to live separate for almost 2 years while he was working on a long term project in another city.  I tried to visit as often as I could, but because my parents were going through a difficult period that culminated in a cross country move and then my daughter went through a very difficult time in her last year in college, I felt unable to go and live with him there.  This was what he really wanted and in all fairness repeatedly told me he was struggling with feeling lonely and isolated away from all his friends and family in a strange city.  He had lost his father not long before and hadn’t really recovered from the death.  He had a hard time making friends outside of work, most of whom were married and couldn’t hang out on the evenings/weekends.  Unfortunately quitting and coming home wasn’t an option either because we were heavily in debt due to a business bankruptcy and I wasn’t working as I tried to help my parents/daughter.

During this time a co-worker that he’d never paid much mind to before, started paying him a lot of attention. They were having to work much more closely together and she had only moved there a couple of years before with her boyfriend. He’d cheated on her and given her herpes, so they’d broken up and she was also pretty lonely.

The one time we met at an all day work event was about 4 months before she started inviting my husband to hang out “as friends”. At the event she told me that I was so lucky to have a husband who loved me so much and that he was constantly talking about me and our daughter at work.

She spent the whole time hanging out and befriending ME not my husband and asking lots of questions about us, and our “story.”  I remember thinking it was kind of sweet how she seemed to look up to us as role models, and an example of the kind of relationship she wanted to have. We both are about older than her.

So I have to question - she clearly realized my husband loved me dearly. Not only did she tell me so, but he was his normal demonstrative self that day in front of her - holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me, proudly introducing me to all his work friends, etc. She commented on how adorable we were together.

We’d been together 26 years at that point. Actually, as I told her, we’d dated on and off since we were 14 and 15. We didn’t stay together that whole time because we went to different schools and we’d lose touch the way you do when you are kids. But fate seemed to keep bringing us back together over and over. At 18/19 we met again, and we’ve been together ever since. She gushed and seemed to think the whole thing was amazing.

So when she realized my husband was getting sad and resentful over the fact that I was unable to break away from family obligations to be with him - and tired of always being alone - did she think she could just supplant me and become the new heroine in our love story? Did she think his love was so shallow that he could just turn it off? Or did she realize that this was a person who was angry, hurt and lonely that was vulnerable to making stupid decisions (as he so clearly did)? And if so, why would she want someone who was likely to still carry a torch for me even if he did blow up his marriage (he was sure I’d leave him if I found out.)

Or maybe she thought he was so callous that even though he clearly loved me, it was no big deal to screw around? And if so, why would she want to be with someone like that? I think this one is unlikely because he began drinking really heavily to try and block out the guilt. Plus, they broke up several times because when she made noises about being uncomfortable about me coming to visit and how she was afraid she was going to end up being hurt when he left to go home, and got upset when he agreed and said I think you are right - we should stop. So she knew he wasn’t happy and regretted starting something, but also now felt guilty about hurting her.

Another thing I can’t figure out - she found out my daughter had a large Instagram following and reached out to her telling her how beautiful she was (my daughter thought she was an anonymous fan, as she has many) . Did she think she and my daughter were going to be great friends after her parent’s otherwise happy marriage suddenly and unexpectedly blew up? (My husband did NOT know about this and when he found out, he was shocked and horrified.)

Or maybe she just wanted to feel what it was like to be on the other side of the equation - not cheated on, but instead the other woman? She’d been cheated on by her long term boyfriend. Maybe blowing up a loving, but troubled marriage gave her a sense of power?

From what my husband has told me there was never any discussion of longevity. They were “hanging out” and enjoying each other in the short term and he fully expected it to end any day. He encouraged her to see other people (but doesn’t know if she did).

The few emails and phone calls I saw/heard seem to confirm this. She didn’t appear to be angry with him or seem to think he was reneging on any promises he’d made - but she was upset and she reached our several times asking if they could still be friends. (He said no.)

When I start ruminating (as I can do) I always circle back to that meeting just 4 months before the friendly hanging out and only 6 months before them sleeping together. Why after me being kind to her and telling her our story would she pursue him? Repeatedly. I know it is 100% his fault for falling for it, but that doesn’t absolve her for being willing to destroy another woman’s happiness and a happy family. I was nothing but kind to her - I liked her.

Did she really think he’d suddenly fallen out of love with me? Or that once they had sex, he’d fall in love with her? I clearly stayed the priority. Anytime I could visit or he could visit home, he dropped her like a rock. That HAD to be obvious.

Or did she just think it wasn’t a big deal to ease her loneliness and his, and then got in deeper than she meant?

My husband has tried to explain how he got to that point - and while I don’t condone it, it at least gives me some perspective. I just wish I understood hers better. She didn’t seem like a bad person when I met her. Just a little lost and envious.

I know I need to let it go, but it’s one of the last remaining threads I have really struggled with. I have conversations with her in my head or compose letters to her WAYYYYY too often.

The one thing I do hate is that my sweet fairytale marriage feels like it was taken from me and I was given a reality TV version instead.

Ugh, sorry to let loose, but this is one of my last big issues that I can’t seem to let go.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Karilee
I completely understand hating the OW.  I think the best revenge advice is honestly to live well.  Sounds cliché but so true.  Your best revenge is to not give her the time of day or the satisfaction of knowing she has such an impact on you.  I have envisioned humiliating or smacking the crap out of the OW, and that usually ends with me laughing and feeling like I just got revenge, even though just in fantasy!  I have blocked the OW on FB so she can't see mine and I can't see hers.  My H and I are still separated and I feel like she will never ever go away, therefore, she is on my mind a lot.  I think what helps stopping the hate of the OW is how your H handles it and if he has truly gotten her out of his system/out of his life.  You find your own peace but he is a huge part of helping with that. Reassurance, openness, transparency, true remorse.  I know the OW is insecure though.  Don't ever think they are living completely happy and acting like they "won" or have something over you. They are miserable, lonely, desperate, and insecure.  They may act like they're not, but obviously something is missing from their lives.  I had hoped the OW would be miserable and lonely, but then thought that's too dangerous so instead now hope for her to find someone UNmarried who she falls madly in love with and finds her own peace, then she won't wreck anyone else's life anymore.  I hope for her to move on and be happy.  I don't think they ever disappear completely from your mind, but the anger will subside eventually.  When those feelings are strong talk yourself through them and know you are a better person than her, and that she is suffering worse being lost in her life.
Female BS, two kids age 10 & 13
Married 16 years, together for 23 years total
D Days - Feb 2013, June 2015 and Sept 2017
All with the same OW
Separated
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MITM
Karilee wrote:
I completely understand hating the OW.  I think the best revenge advice is honestly to live well.  Sounds cliché but so true.  Your best revenge is to not give her the time of day or the satisfaction of knowing she has such an impact on you.  I have envisioned humiliating or smacking the crap out of the OW, and that usually ends with me laughing and feeling like I just got revenge, even though just in fantasy!  I have blocked the OW on FB so she can't see mine and I can't see hers.  My H and I are still separated and I feel like she will never ever go away, therefore, she is on my mind a lot.  I think what helps stopping the hate of the OW is how your H handles it and if he has truly gotten her out of his system/out of his life.  You find your own peace but he is a huge part of helping with that. Reassurance, openness, transparency, true remorse.  I know the OW is insecure though.  Don't ever think they are living completely happy and acting like they "won" or have something over you. They are miserable, lonely, desperate, and insecure.  They may act like they're not, but obviously something is missing from their lives.  I had hoped the OW would be miserable and lonely, but then thought that's too dangerous so instead now hope for her to find someone UNmarried who she falls madly in love with and finds her own peace, then she won't wreck anyone else's life anymore.  I hope for her to move on and be happy.  I don't think they ever disappear completely from your mind, but the anger will subside eventually.  When those feelings are strong talk yourself through them and know you are a better person than her, and that she is suffering worse being lost in her life.

I 100% agree.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Trinity
BIGMAMMA

I will say this to you.  You can not EXACT the punishment that is not yours to give, that is all between Him and a Higher Power and she and a Higher power.  I can assure you that you need not hate anyone, or want revenge, that is GOD's and you will see it happen.  If you can just let it go and let it up to the powers that be and TRUST that it will be taken care of... your burden will be lifted and your anger will be replaced with peace.  I speak from experience.    

It hurt me to see it happen but GOD exacted a punishment on my WS that I could never have.  He even told me that KARMA bit him real hard and that he wont be able to change or recover from the damage.  I did not pray that he "got his", but he did and it is because you do not betray a child of GOD.    (Which I am)  

"T"

BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Keepabuzz
MattInTheMountains wrote:

I 100% agree. Anyone who would insert themselves into someone else's marriage and help destroy it, is worthy of no attention from you at all, except maybe contempt. My WS's own emotional AP seems to have disappeared off the scene, unless he's hanging around in the background somewhere like a bad smell. She's certainly no longer talking about moving to the other side of the country to be with him. I haven't asked, and don't particularly care. In the meantime she seems to blithely and calmly accept that soon she will lose her lovely home, more than half her assets, the respect of her family, and the one person who has stuck with her always, through all her ups and downs, i.e. me. And that our daughter, no matter what we wind up telling her, will eventually find out the truth of what her mother did. Just another ton of bricks to add to the original ton of bricks that I guess will eventually hit her.

Once again, I suppose that's why they call it "the fog".


Me personally, if I had left my wife, there wouldn’t be any story about how we did t get along anymore or any other Bullsh!t. I would have told each of my children individually the reason for the divorce. Of course it would have been it age appropriate terms, but they would each know the actual reason why. No details, none of that. They would know that Daddy didn’t wreck their life. I never told my wife, but had planned to offer her to keep her secret if she didn’t fight me on joint custody, and 50/50 assets, and ZERO alimony.  If she fought it, I would let the truth out into the light.  We never got to that point, well yet.  I don’t think we will, she is literally a different woman now. Thank I’m thankful for. I hope it keeps. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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GingerHoneyBunny
Well, I met the other man over lunch last Thursday and bought him lunch. He couldn't eat. But I had a blast. I was not mean. Was kind and friendly.,even to the waiter. Listened to his side of the story. And asked for a formal apology. He seemed genuinely remorseful and his wife seems to be really sick. I won't know the truth but he was close to tears. I felt relieved and glad for my self to have the courage to confront it, of course my best friend was with me. But it helped for me to confront the other man. Not generally advisable though. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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MITM
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:
Well, I met the other man over lunch last Thursday and bought him lunch. He couldn't eat. But I had a blast. I was not mean. Was kind and friendly.,even to the waiter. Listened to his side of the story. And asked for a formal apology. He seemed genuinely remorseful and his wife seems to be really sick. I won't know the truth but he was close to tears. I felt relieved and glad for my self to have the courage to confront it, of course my best friend was with me. But it helped for me to confront the other man. Not generally advisable though. 

Wow, that was brave. Wish I felt like I had that kind of courage and fortitude.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Trinity
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:
Well, I met the other man over lunch last Thursday and bought him lunch. He couldn't eat. But I had a blast. I was not mean. Was kind and friendly.,even to the waiter. Listened to his side of the story. And asked for a formal apology. He seemed genuinely remorseful and his wife seems to be really sick. I won't know the truth but he was close to tears. I felt relieved and glad for my self to have the courage to confront it, of course my best friend was with me. But it helped for me to confront the other man. Not generally advisable though. 


That was brave.  It could have gone a few different ways... I'm happy it went well for you and that you received some satisfaction from it.
Was there one specific question that you wanted answered, or something you needed to say ??  Will this help you move forward in your marriage?

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Kiki
Wow lunch?!!!! 
I could never do that.  I too hate the OW.  I have also thought about revenge and how I could ruin her. But I do believe in Karma, and punishment from God.
After my first D day, I threatened to email each person of her firm (CEO of her own company), I made her remove my H’s testimonial off of her website, and his company name.  I never emailed anyone, but she took the initiative to tell each person that worked for her about the affair (My WH’s company is a very large client ).  In the past year, she has lost 5 of her best employees. Just recently, she lost her partner who was my H’s company liaison.  

She also had had to tell her son to remove my H as a friend on FB.  I found my picture with my daughter and my H on her son’s FB.  I am sure that was not easy for a mother to explain. I feel sorry for her sons.

So, my point is, eventually the universe will give them what they deserve. We don’t have to do anything.
I am waiting to see what my H receives. They are together now, living in fantasy land. Our children hate her as much as I do, so I have no idea how my H thinks he will have any kind of relationship with the girls.  But that is no longer my concern.

I also have to stop checking her website, stop obsessing over her.  She is trash and not worth my energy!! I have to make a conscious effort to not give her any more power.
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”

Married 25 years, together 35 
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GingerHoneyBunny
Trinity wrote:


That was brave.  It could have gone a few different ways... I'm happy it went well for you and that you received some satisfaction from it.
Was there one specific question that you wanted answered, or something you needed to say ??  Will this help you move forward in your marriage?

"T"


It did not answer any more questions and I really did not want anymore details that would make me go ballistics again. But it's more for me to face up to something I hated and feared so much. Yes, he was shaking when he sat with us. But I was also barely almost shaking in my hands in the 1st few minutes too. I needed to do it to regain some of my confidence and courage. Maybe even a little bit of dignity. Thats why I had my best friend there to keep me calm and back me up. It does not help my marriage to move forward as the relationship is so broken, we have nothing much in common to discuss anymore other than the kids. So, it's mostly for myself. Plus, WW wanted to see him one last for her own closure anyway. So, I might as well do it for her even if we eventually divorce 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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