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Fionarob
Karilee

My ex is still with his AP, they have been together nearly 5 years now, half of that was the affair and half as a normal relationship.  Who knows what the future holds for them?  No statistics can predict whether they will stay together forever, if he will cheat on her as well, or their relationship will eventually end.

The point is that nobody knows what will happen to our ex's and their AP's.  We cannot control that and we cannot obsess over the fact that they are together having an amazing life.  What you can do is decide what the rest of your life will look like and how you want to feel about yourself and what kind of future you want.  Put your energy into that, not into hoping and wishing for their happiness to fall apart.

My ex is currently on holiday with his AP, having a great time in Dubai while I am at home looking after our children.  No it doesn't make me feel great, but I have got much better at looking at all the things I have and am grateful for.  It's taken me a while to get there, and to accept that the AP is potentially part of my life and my children's life forever.  But getting on with your own life and being happy is the best way forward, otherwise it will eat you up.  So don't cling on to the statistics that say their relationship will fail. Instead, think about what the rest of your life holds for you. It's a cliché, but you only live once, make the most of it.
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Keepabuzz
Tapered,
    I am not divorced. In the early months after D-Day, I was only staying because of my children. My wife did all the right things after d-day. If she had not, if she had violated any of my boundaries, or betrayed me in anyway I would have certainly divorced her. If my kids had not been so young, I would have left her on D-day and divorced her. 

I am the breadwinner, and do well for myself. Even if that had not been the case, I would have chosen (and still will) to live a more modest life in peace, without pain, and disrespect. 

I agree with Anthro, it appears your financial situation is getting worse by the minute. I don’t think you would regret dropping him like a bad habit. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Tapered
To Keepabuzz, 
Thank you for your thoughts. My dear friend who left her husband after 6 long years of infidelity and emotional cruelty told me that she would not trade the peace she has now. She stated that in hindsight, she would have left her cheating husband sooner then the 6 years it took her to leave. Now it’s my turn to move forward. Thanks again.
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Tapered
To Anthropoidape, 
When you say you have met people in my husband’s position who have regretted their actions, and nobody in my position who have regretted theirs, what exactly do you mean? My husband does not seem to be regretful or remorseful, but is arrogant that he seems to be getting away with what his doing. I know I am allowing what is going on (even if I don’t want it to). When and at what point do they regret their actions? Thank you for more advice.
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anthropoidape
Tapered wrote:
To Anthropoidape, 
When you say you have met people in my husband’s position who have regretted their actions, and nobody in my position who have regretted theirs, what exactly do you mean? My husband does not seem to be regretful or remorseful, but is arrogant that he seems to be getting away with what his doing. I know I am allowing what is going on (even if I don’t want it to). When and at what point do they regret their actions? Thank you for more advice.


Well... I don't know how it goes more generally, but just from what I have seen (and we are talking small numbers)... there are clearly cheaters who are never regretful. There are also cheaters who manage to keep their marriages, and who forever regret nearly destroying it. Then there are cheaters who regret losing their marriages. The one I have never encountered is a cheater who regrets jointly saving their marriage (I assume those exist as well, but I suspect they are rare).

As for betrayed spouses, I have simply not met a betrayed spouse who regrets leaving their cheating spouse. I just haven't met one who says, "gee I wish I'd spent another year trying." I have only met betrayed spouses who are hella glad they have gotten their new lives underway. 

For your specific question - I do not know about every case, but my best guess is there are a lot of cheaters who don't start to regret their actions until they are really bitten by consequences. All's well when you effectively have what you want from both your wife and your girlfriend. 

From the sound of it, I wonder if your husband is happy or if he is just going off the rails. The wasting of money sounds like it might involve despair and recklessness on his part, like, "everything is trashed anyway, what's the difference?" I don't know of course but it sounds possible. If that is the case then I think you would also be helping him by kicking him out. It would be either a reality check or the freedom to live his own way. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Tapered
Kicking him him out is not an option. I told him to leave and be with AP from a few months after the affair started, but he would not leave. Refuses to talk about affair as he states there’s nothing to talk about. He became a totally different person When affair started.  I could write a long list of mean things he has done to me mostly and some things to his children. Divorce really is the only option now. 
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Keepabuzz
Tapered wrote:
Kicking him him out is not an option. I told him to leave and be with AP from a few months after the affair started, but he would not leave. Refuses to talk about affair as he states there’s nothing to talk about. He became a totally different person When affair started.  I could write a long list of mean things he has done to me mostly and some things to his children. Divorce really is the only option now. 


Yes, divorce. Before that legally separate and if needed have a court order for him to vacate the property. If he refuses, call the sheriff. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Karilee
MattinTheMountains,

You are right about WS and OW harming other people all over the place, they just can't see it until the damage is done.  Now that they are able to be together their "perfect" relationship isn't so perfect.  My WS already after only a couple months of separation said he is "soul searching" and questioning if what he is doing is the right thing.  Kind of late for that but they don't realize it until they have what they think they wanted so bad, then they want back what they threw away and see their affair as not so great after all.  Real life sets in and fog lifts. Separating was the best thing we did, even though I thought I could never handle it.  He is seeing me independent, happy and not trying to get back with him.  It's a wake up call for him for sure.  He says he is not interested in meeting the OW's kids nor introducing her to ours.  This alone tells me that relationship is headed for nowhere.  I am very glad, however, that our kids will not be exposed to this, it would confuse and anger them no doubt.

 
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The world's full of people who mean no harm, and cause a great deal of it.


That's how it is in fantasy land.  But then... reality and real life sets in and the path of destruction catches up.  We can only hope this changes them for the better.

Female BS, two kids age 10 & 13
Married 16 years, together for 23 years total
D Days - Feb 2013, June 2015 and Sept 2017
All with the same OW
Separated
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UrbanExplorer
MattInTheMountains wrote:
Funny how so many cliches turn out to be absolutely true. I'm sure your WS meant no harm to anyone. But here's the thing: The world's full of people who mean no harm, and cause a great deal of it.


My grandmother always said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Don't I know it!
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MITM
UrbanExplorer wrote:


My grandmother always said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Don't I know it!

I'm very fond of a movie from 1987 called Angel Heart, in which Robert de Niro (playing the Devil, no less) says, "How terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the wise." I think about that one a lot - it's pretty awful when you see the truth in what's going on, but are powerless to do anything but remove yourself from it and hope you can salvage something from the inevitable wreckage.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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