Blessedby7
Anyone ever been to a therapist that utilizes the Gottman Method?  Thoughts? 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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ThrivenotSurvive
No but I've read a lot about it and used some of the techniques in my own life.  It has a lot of merit - that being said - the best built tool in the world is worthless in a lazy man's hand.  Or - you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  If your husband isn't motivated to gain something in therapy, it is useless.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Blessedby7
No but I've read a lot about it and used some of the techniques in my own life.  It has a lot of merit - that being said - the best built tool in the world is worthless in a lazy man's hand.  Or - you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  If your husband isn't motivated to gain something in therapy, it is useless.  


Therapy is one thing we haven't done, and honestly, I think he would do it, and under the right therapist I think we could actually make things work. We saw our preacher a few times, and because of it I now fully believe in finding a therapist who has dealt with infidelity. It's our last stand. I will not be able to stand this even another few years without it. He's doing everything right on one hand, except truly work through the issues. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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ThrivenotSurvive
And therein lies the rub - because the issues (most of which are exclusively HIS - not the marriage's) are where the problems lie.  He wants to treat a spike in his eye by taking an aspirin for the pain.  Might feel better for the moment but it doesn't take care of the problem - only lets it fester.  

But he is going to need help seeing that.  Think about who your husband is - and if you think he'd do better with a male/ female counselor, one who is older or of a certain type of background, keep that in mind.  The counselor MUST be able to gain his trust in the first couple sessions to be helpful.  HOWEVER, make sure that YOU are happy with the approach they plan to take.  INTERVIEW them.  Not all counselors are the same and the bad ones who decide that it is ALL about unmet needs do more harm than good.  

Good luck
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Blessedby7
And therein lies the rub - because the issues (most of which are exclusively HIS - not the marriage's) are where the problems lie.  He wants to treat a spike in his eye by taking an aspirin for the pain.  Might feel better for the moment but it doesn't take care of the problem - only lets it fester.  

But he is going to need help seeing that.  Think about who your husband is - and if you think he'd do better with a male/ female counselor, one who is older or of a certain type of background, keep that in mind.  The counselor MUST be able to gain his trust in the first couple sessions to be helpful.  HOWEVER, make sure that YOU are happy with the approach they plan to take.  INTERVIEW them.  Not all counselors are the same and the bad ones who decide that it is ALL about unmet needs do more harm than good.  

Good luck


Oh, absolutely agree, and the things I found today on his computer only reinforces these are his issues. I will NOT sit idle while someone puts this one me. I was a damn good wife, no way he will ever find better, and that's one of the few things that keep me from feeling like a total failure. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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Jennifer
Gottman method is one of the most researched approaches out there. I would recommend this or Emotion Focused Therapy. Take what the others said as well. Do not be afraid to ask the counselor questions about their approach, specialty, etc. Not all counselors are created equal and sometimes it just depends on finding one that is a good fit.
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Cam28
I tried one that was certified on the Gottman approach and EFT.  The problem I had was that he glossed right passed affair recovery and wanted to focus on the marriage only. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
And that is why I believe that it is EXTREMELY important to find counselors who specialize in affair recovery.  I find that a lot of traditional couples counselors and even individual counselors will list it as "one" of the things they cover on their website.  But then you quickly realize that they have limited experience and try to move the therapy quickly into an area they are more practiced/comfortable - traditional couples counseling. 

This is a mistake that can makes everything worse.  It often allows the WS to feel even more entitled to hold on to their justifications ("See, even the MC says there is a break down in communication") and leaves the BS feeling as if they are supposed to move quickly to forgiveness and working on the marriage as a whole.  And they don't get the intensive care THEY need to deal with the huge impact to their self-confidence, trust in the world, faith in life, etc.)

This skips a HUGE step that should (in my opinion) be in the BEGINNING of the process.  Because whether or not there were problems that needed to be addressed - why did the WS feel that THIS was the appropriate way of handling it?  What in their background/habits/beliefs/values said that rather than talk about it, get counseling, ask for separation or divorce, it was a better idea to start an affair that would likely lead to far more pain and dire consequences?  

Until that question is answered - I think the rest is, forgive the phrase, "pissing in the wind."
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Blessedby7
So, other than asking if they specialize in infidelity, what are some other questions to ask?

I'll also call the Tedder's office, since they are only 2 hours from me. That would ultimately be who I'd like to work with. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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ThrivenotSurvive
That is definitely where I would go first - Tim's experience of actually walking in the WS's shoes is invaluable.  Even if you have to do a combination of in-person sessions couple with some phone coaching.  

If for some reason they aren't available or you can't make that work, I'd google affair recovery specialist in your area.  See what comes up.  Most therapist will either let you have a phone or in-person discussion prior to beginning therapy for little to no money.  It will be much shorter than a normal session, but shuld give you enough time to give them a light background and ask some questions. 

Then ask them things like what percentage of their practice is with affair recovery?  What approach do they take?  Do they see affairs as primarily the result of deficits in the relationship?  Or primarily conflicts/issues within the offending partner exacerbated by issues in the relationship?   Do they see you always together?  Or are some sessions individual and some as a couple?  What is their opinion on the idea that many BSs suffer from PTSD like symptoms and triggers?  How do they work to help the BS resolve those?  (FYI - if they have some training in EMDR  or any form of eye movement therapy it can be helpful with triggers)

I will likely think of more but these should get you an inkling if the approach they would take is going to sit well with you.  But if you could make something work with Tim and/or Sharon - that would be ideal and give you your best shot.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Blessedby7
That is definitely where I would go first - Tim's experience of actually walking in the WS's shoes is invaluable.  Even if you have to do a combination of in-person sessions couple with some phone coaching.  

If for some reason they aren't available or you can't make that work, I'd google affair recovery specialist in your area.  See what comes up.  Most therapist will either let you have a phone or in-person discussion prior to beginning therapy for little to no money.  It will be much shorter than a normal session, but shuld give you enough time to give them a light background and ask some questions. 

Then ask them things like what percentage of their practice is with affair recovery?  What approach do they take?  Do they see affairs as primarily the result of deficits in the relationship?  Or primarily conflicts/issues within the offending partner exacerbated by issues in the relationship?   Do they see you always together?  Or are some sessions individual and some as a couple?  What is their opinion on the idea that many BSs suffer from PTSD like symptoms and triggers?  How do they work to help the BS resolve those?  (FYI - if they have some training in EMDR  or any form of eye movement therapy it can be helpful with triggers)

I will likely think of more but these should get you an inkling if the approach they would take is going to sit well with you.  But if you could make something work with Tim and/or Sharon - that would be ideal and give you your best shot.


Great questions! Thank you! 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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CallMeJay
Blessedby7 wrote:
So, other than asking if they specialize in infidelity, what are some other questions to ask?

I'll also call the Tedder's office, since they are only 2 hours from me. That would ultimately be who I'd like to work with. 


Here's a link to a podcast from them to give you some guidance on what to look for:  https://www.affairhealing.com/podcast205.html
Betrayed Husband
D-Day: May 7th 2019

Praying for wisdom daily to do what God has called me to do, not be a doormat.
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HangingOn
[QUOTE now fully believe in finding a therapist who has dealt with infidelity. It's our last stand. I will not be able to stand this even another few years without it. He's doing everything right on one hand, except truly work through the issues. 

I'm right there with you.   I can see my WS working on everything but the issues...i think this is the worst.   I appreciate what  is being done, but it is still "me" and ultimately"us"that is left out of the equation.  Still all about the WS without working through it TOGETHER.
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Blessedby7
HangingOn wrote:

I'm right there with you.   I can see my WS working on everything but the issues...i think this is the worst.   I appreciate what  is being done, but it is still "me" and ultimately"us"that is left out of the equation.  Still all about the WS without working through it TOGETHER.


Or even work on things at all!  I refuse to stand back and not work on anything. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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