As part of my self-work I went to a psychiatrist. This was in response to my BS wondering if I am by nature "a bad person" and wondering this myself. Am I broken? Am I fundamentally flawed?
The psychiatrist was not much help, but he made one major contribution. He suggest I get a psychological evaluation. I went for one and I am now better off for what I know.
After an interview, the Neuropsychologist I saw suspected ADHD. He then had me fill out a huge questionnaire and take a battery of cognitive tests. Those results will result in an official opinion.
However, He told me I have every symptom. What does this mean?
Well first, It is not an excuse for an affair
. Lots of people have ADHD and never cheat on their souse. They manage it, they compensate, and they live productive lives.
The effects of ADHD on relationships are well documented.1. ''Do you even hear what I’m saying?''
Poor listening skills
2. ''You never pull your weight around here.''
Unlikley to focus on tasks they don't enjoy
3. ''You never do what you say you’re going to do.''
Distracted easily, lack of follow through.
These symptoms and a few others have been hell on our marriage. Our relationship was challenged. Intimacy suffered. Our connection was strained to the breaking point. At different times, we both made the decision to seek to have our needs met outside the marriage. I was earlier and on a much larger scale. That has little to do with ADHD and is the subject of my work on personal integrity.
But this is overall GOOD NEWS. Here is something tangible. Something i can fight. Something I can treat quickly with the likely outcome that I will be a better listener, a better parent, a better provider, a better PARTNER overall. I don't feel like i can get after this fast enough.
I shared this with my wife and she wasn't as excited as I am. This does nothing at all to help her overcome the trauma of my infidelity. She is adrift herself on a sea of anger and pain. She sees a trigger in just about every daily activity. She hates me right now with the fire of 100 suns. So, who cares that I found this out and will fix it. It doesn't change what I did. It doesn't provide her with any comfort. I wish it did.
I will take this knowledge and use it to improve. I will treat the ADHD. I will be better in areas affected where I was a poor mate. I will continue my IC focused on integrity & family of origin issues. I will keep striving everyday to show her a better man in case she decides to offer me the gift of reconciliation. I ask you all for your support.
Good luck in your own journeys.