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Courage
INTUITION77, thx for this post. I've been unable to do some of the things I so used to enjoy, most importantly reading for pleasure. I'm a huge reader- but I haven't picked up a non fiction text since DDAY- I've read everything under the sun about affairs, but that's where it ends. I have probably tried to begin about a half dozen books, and I can barely get through the first chapter and then I abandon it. This is the one that stands out most for me. I'm not sure why this is happening but I was surprised when you mentioned this. about cooking. I guess this is part of the grieving process. This just never happened to me when I was grieving the loss if my dad.
Intuition77 wrote:
I had a hard time doing things I used to love for months. It does get better.

I couldnt cook. For months. Literally fed my kids fast food, pizzas, soups, takeout, frozen meals, sandwiches and the like for prob 2 months. Then it only minimally improved to cooking maybe 3 days a week for another month. Im ashamed to admit that. I cooked for over 16 years, huge meals, from scratch. I was the lady baking pies and pie crust from scratch for no reason just because. If my husband so much as mentioned thinking about turkey dinner-it would be thanksgiving that week no matter the time of year-with all the trimmings.

And then suddenly I couldn't cook. Just like that. Not I didn't want to cook I just couldn't do it. Couldn't remember how to make any meals Id made for 16 years. I couldn't even remember what staple meals I used to make! Couldn't remember how to cook. Couldn't go grocery shopping. Couldn't stand to be in the kitchen. Couldn't stand a million triggers and memories that came from cooking. And my brain just shut down in the kitchen. I realized a huge part of my identity had been the "perfect" wife with the "perfect" family and cooking was huge for me, in my family, to my husband etc. I had basically been raised with "wives cook. Good wives cook really well. Great wives cook really well, always meeting their families needs and cooking in a way to impress." [frown] You know how they say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach? I had really been raised to believe that if you cooked well enough and were perfect your husband would always be happy. To drive this home more, while I was oblivious to the affair my husband started dogging my cooking, complaining when I made his favorites exactly as I always had, using excuses to not eat my food, leaving all his home packed lunches so he could "grab a bite on the way" Im sure with HER. It deteriorated my self esteem.

Eventually I forced myself back into the kitchen, I decided this is a gift that I need to nourish my children, Im taking it back. I don't cook the same, I have some weird insecurities about it mixed with an "I don't really care if everyone likes my cooking anymore" attitude about it. I burn stuff. And I don't care. lol I don't invest so much time into it, I don't feel the need to be perfect anymore. But Im cooking again and Im enjoying it again. So it does get better. I think at first all our old habits and hobbies and interests are so meshed with our spouses that anything "old" triggers things. So I looked for new activities too. And there's some old hobbies I prob wont pick up again in the same way because Im really not that same person anymore.

It took me months to start doing it but everyone says you should do something nice for yourslef everyday and it really does help. Even if its just a hot bubblebath, painting my nails or reading a really good (non affair) book, or buying myself flowers. I also tended to put everyone else before me so I try to look at it now as being on a plane and applying my own oxygen mask first. I try to check in with myself everyday and ask what is it I want today? or need today? Its why I joined this forum actually. The day I saw the email about forums I had been thinking I needed to still talk about this and my husband wasnt willing so I joined. The old me would have thought I have too many things to do for others then to do this for myself. I try to ask myself everyday am I honoring myself? And I make sure I put work into honoring me.
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Crushed
It has been 3 years and I still cant do the things that I used to.  My house was always so clean, I cooked, I did grocery shopping, bought all his clothes, made all of his appointments, and paid the Bill's I  was the wife and mother that baked  all the goodies, I never missed a activity for my children I decorated lavishly for each holiday and I worked 40 hours a week. I guess it was part of my being a good wife and mother.   My kids are grown now and have left the nest.  I hardly ever cook anymore, and only out of necessity do I clean I hate it.  I no longer shop (thank God for Amazon) decorating only brings me sadness. It seems that my whole identity was destroyed by his affair.  None of it mattered. I still have work so I just concentrate on getting up everyday to go to work.  Maybe one day I will be myself again.
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
It has been 3 years and I still cant do the things that I used to.  My house was always so clean, I cooked, I did grocery shopping, bought all his clothes, made all of his appointments, and paid the Bill's I  was the wife and mother that baked  all the goodies, I never missed a activity for my children I decorated lavishly for each holiday and I worked 40 hours a week. I guess it was part of my being a good wife and mother.   My kids are grown now and have left the nest.  I hardly ever cook anymore, and only out of necessity do I clean I hate it.  I no longer shop (thank God for Amazon) decorating only brings me sadness. It seems that my whole identity was destroyed by his affair.  None of it mattered. I still have work so I just concentrate on getting up everyday to go to work.  Maybe one day I will be myself again.


I’m over 4 years out and feel much the same. I was always doing projects on my house. I was a serious DIY guy. Now it takes so much effort for me to do even the smallest things. I used to get up on Saturday and Sunday mornings and work all day on projects. I really enjoyed it. I think it’s because I have a corporate job, and mostly talk for a living. Fixing up my homes over the years was my hobby. I don’t hunt, I don’t fish, not much into sports. That was my thing. 

I used to be so outgoing, I’m not any longer. I used to really enjoy going to social functions. Both personal and business related. I travel weekly for my job, and find the entire day that I just want to go to my hotel room.  When I’m home, I have no desire to go anywhere. I would rather just stay at home. I do a good job of hiding it, or putting my mask on. But on the inside I would rather to never leave the house. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
It almost is to much effort to put on the brave happy face to leave the house.  I would just rather stay home also
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
It almost is to much effort to put on the brave happy face to leave the house.  I would just rather stay home also


This is so true! When I do go do things, be it for work or personal, it’s SO EXHAUSTING!  By the time it’s over I am drained. Keeping the mask on takes so much energy. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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