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wolfgrrl
blythespirit wrote:
Both my husband's therapist and mine have said that I'm better off not knowing the details. Initially I thought his refusal to give me details indicated that he was trying to protect the OW and his relationship from me. My therapist asked me to look at it the other way around - that he's likely trying to protect me from more pain and hurt. I'm trying to focus on what matters, instead, which is him and I, and not any more than necessary on him and her. I don't want to assign any more power or relevance to that woman than she deserves. Acknowledge the basics of what happened, yes. I now believe that anything more than that drops way off in terms of relevance, and may hinder rather than help my recovery. Perhaps if we do reconcile and we both feel secure in our relationship again, we will be able to discuss leftover nagging details. But then again, it may not matter at that point. I don't know.


I've started to think more about it this way too. I really would like to just forget this woman ever existed and not give their relationship more power over me. When I decided to confront him the last time, I had already decided that I needed him to admit to 3 things, and anything other than that didn't really matter. I needed to hear that 1) he cheated, 2) he lied to me for months even when confronted, 3) he was sorry. I got all 3. And a few details before he shut down. Most days I still think I want details. But as time goes on (and for me it is still counted in days), I'm thinking less about the details of them and more about how he and I got here and how we can make it better. Now I just need him to get to the same place.
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UrbanExplorer
Guiltguilt wrote:
At the end of the day, I caused this. That's the responsibility. A word that I honestly had no concept of before all this.

I do want to grab some WSs and shake them out of the fog. If only it was that easy. I want to show them the little girl that cried for her mum tonight, and this dad couldn't console her. I want them to sit with other parents at school that know what went on. Walk through the shops and get the looks, the invitations that don't come your way anymore, and you know that rejection that you've given your BS by having the affair? It works both ways.

A WS in the fog can't see the gravity of any of this.


I can definitely relate to the looks and the gossip and the loss of friends and invitations. Probably a few hundred people know about my affair and blame me for the demise of my AP's marriage. I think my BS hasn't left because he doesn't believe in divorce and because he feels he played a role in the slow decline of our marriage (not to the affair itself).

I think all relationships are different, though. For some people, a one-night stand or an EA is enough to file for divorce and never look back. Fine, that is a valid choice. On the other extreme, some people don't require monogamy at all (although I would argue a healthy relationship probably does require fidelity/honesty). I feel only the people in a particular relationship know what they can work through, so it irks me to no end when others advise someone to stay or go. One thing that came out of discernment counseling was that my husband and I could agree on whatever kind of marriage or coparenting relationship or divorce that we want.
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