I agree with others above. The three things that should form the the umbrella that should encompass all of your efforts to help your wife heal are:
100% Honesty, 100% of the time, forever
Zero defensiveness in regards to your affair, what damage your actions have caused.
EMPATHY, this is key. If you’re not good at it, get really good at it, really quickly. If you can’t/won’t do this. Just hang it up right now.
I have read everything there is to read, watched everything there is to watch, and listened to everything there is to listen to in regards to healing from my wife’s affair. One thing that is true, but can (and is) used or twisted by the WS is this, the BS is the only one that can heal them. The Was can’t heal the BS. While this is true at a very basic level, many WS’s will use this as “well I can’t do anything, you have to heal yourself, etc”. Do not do that. Even though this is 100% YOUR fault, you caused all this damage. You literally destroyed your wife in just about every way possible. You actually have an extremely powerful ability to make this terrible journey farm far easier on your wife, but this is a ”triple” edged sword. That same powerful ability you have to help, can also be used to make it far harder on your wife, and inflict much more pain. The third edge of this sword will cut you. For you to do the work required to fix yourself. Do the work required to transform yourself into a truly empathetic person for your wife. To sit and listen as she pours out her pain to you, and TAKE it all. It will hurt. It SHOULD hurt. You must then fight your own battle to not be overcome with your own shame.
You need to help her carry her pain. At the same time, don’t hide yours. I know you may feel like you don’t have any right to tell her about your pain. Although I would agree you don’t have that “right”. As strange as it sounds, it will help her. Not anything about missing your AP, or feelings of loss from that relationship, those need to be discussed with a therapist. But the pain and shame you feel for what you have done to yourself, and to your wife. Her hearing that from you can be very healing for her, that is you letting her in. If you don’t share that, then it can appear that either you don’t feel those things, or you are rug sweeping.
Don’t ever, ever, ever not ask her if she ok if she seems off, or having a hard time. Don’t ever ever, ever not bring up your affair because you don’t think it’s on her mind and you don’t want to put it in her mind. I assure you without any shadow of a doubt it IS on her mind.
Conduct yourself at all times with her feelings of safety first and foremost, forever. It does get easier, but it takes a very long time. My wife asks me if ok with things she does. I’m over 4 years out, and when I’m out of town my wife will text me when she goes to work and when she leaves for home. I no longer require that, but she does it just to make me feel safe.
You coming here and asking puts you miles ahead of most WS’s. You have done terrible things, and caused damage to your wife that you will never fully comprehend, but, BUT you are not beyond redemption. You have an opportunity to now be a healing force for your wife, as opposed to a destructive force.