Dodo_Failed
Hi, I am a WP. Am struggling to explain to my partner and myself why I cheated on her. Far too many whys and far too few answers. 

Have been in a committed long term but long distance relationship since 2002. In 2005, mere months after we made love and promised every ounce of fidelity, I started cheating, first emotionally and then in a few months, that became full blown physical emotional everything. It continued for two more years and then ended quite acrimoniously, but the full contours were unknown to my partner. I never revealed and pretended as if nothing was amiss, that it was flirtation and not much else, I am sorry to say that she believed me and I led her on to believe me. I have been faithful to her in every sense since mid 2007.  

A few months ago, I did confess to the full extent of the affair. Then a few days afterwards, my partner got hold of all the letters I had written to the AP. To say that she is devastated at the level of my depravity - I "stole" all our songs, our poems, our pillow talk, our lovemaking rituals and "gave them away" to the AP. We are struggling and my partner is devastated, to say the least. 

Am wondering if anyone has been in a situation where they betrayed right after the primary relationship has moved into a higher trajectory? I have read of people who cheated when their children were born, when they were expecting their children, during grieving and tragedies. How are you coping? How do you explain this behaviour? 

Am hoping to learn and address why. Perhaps I will have some answers.

Thank you for listening.
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Robin1971
WOW!!!, why? shouldnt those answers come from you, the cheater?  WHY is the big question WE all ask!  why would you take all of that from her, why would you give yourself to her if you were just going to turn around and feel you had the right to take that private/specialness away from her?  so are you offering US answers? or are you asking for answers for your affair that broke your girlfriends heart and soul i am sure.

by the way welcome
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Kalmarjan
Dodo_Failed wrote:
Hi, I am a WP. Am struggling to explain to my partner and myself why I cheated on her. Far too many whys and far too few answers. 

Have been in a committed long term but long distance relationship since 2002. In 2005, mere months after we made love and promised every ounce of fidelity, I started cheating, first emotionally and then in a few months, that became full blown physical emotional everything. It continued for two more years and then ended quite acrimoniously, but the full contours were unknown to my partner. I never revealed and pretended as if nothing was amiss, that it was flirtation and not much else, I am sorry to say that she believed me and I led her on to believe me. I have been faithful to her in every sense since mid 2007.  

A few months ago, I did confess to the full extent of the affair. Then a few days afterwards, my partner got hold of all the letters I had written to the AP. To say that she is devastated at the level of my depravity - I "stole" all our songs, our poems, our pillow talk, our lovemaking rituals and "gave them away" to the AP. We are struggling and my partner is devastated, to say the least. 

Am wondering if anyone has been in a situation where they betrayed right after the primary relationship has moved into a higher trajectory? I have read of people who cheated when their children were born, when they were expecting their children, during grieving and tragedies. How are you coping? How do you explain this behaviour? 

Am hoping to learn and address why. Perhaps I will have some answers.

Thank you for listening.


Welcome

You may find some anger directed at you from Betrayed Spouses here.

I was in your position too. All I can say is you have some soul searching in front of you to fix this. The only way you will be able to explain it to anyone is if you know why.

It's normal for your wife to feel this way, after all, you betrayed her, right? Now it's up to you to understand what she has gone through, what you did to her, and at the same time work on you so you can guarantee you will never do this again.

You've come to the right place. The WS side here is quiet, but kudos to you for being brave enough to put it out there. I know it had to be hard, and knowing you will be ducking the bricks...
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Anna26
Dodo_Failed wrote:
Hi, I am a WP. Am struggling to explain to my partner and myself why I cheated on her. Far too many whys and far too few answers. 

Have been in a committed long term but long distance relationship since 2002. In 2005, mere months after we made love and promised every ounce of fidelity, I started cheating, first emotionally and then in a few months, that became full blown physical emotional everything. It continued for two more years and then ended quite acrimoniously, but the full contours were unknown to my partner. I never revealed and pretended as if nothing was amiss, that it was flirtation and not much else, I am sorry to say that she believed me and I led her on to believe me. I have been faithful to her in every sense since mid 2007.  

A few months ago, I did confess to the full extent of the affair. Then a few days afterwards, my partner got hold of all the letters I had written to the AP. To say that she is devastated at the level of my depravity - I "stole" all our songs, our poems, our pillow talk, our lovemaking rituals and "gave them away" to the AP. We are struggling and my partner is devastated, to say the least. 

Am wondering if anyone has been in a situation where they betrayed right after the primary relationship has moved into a higher trajectory? I have read of people who cheated when their children were born, when they were expecting their children, during grieving and tragedies. How are you coping? How do you explain this behaviour? 

Am hoping to learn and address why. Perhaps I will have some answers.

Thank you for listening.




Welcome to you!  I AM a BS too, but I surely hope I don't throw any bricks!  (Thanks Kal, that made me smile!).  After all, the WS on here have shown me nothing but kindness and insight, so I can empathise with you all a great deal, just like I try to with my WS.  We are all suffering and in pain whichever 'side' we are on.
You raise a very interesting point, and all I can think is that sometimes if people can stray at times in their life when they are suffering from extreme stress, ( I believe this is the case with my husband)  might this happen when an event of any kind happens?   You hear of men feeling pushed out when their wives are so occupied with looking after the children, so they feel neglected. But you would think a new baby would be a totally happy event.  Perhaps it's just the fact that some people don't know how to cope with any kind of change,  I'm just guessing...like I said, interesting...
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surviving
My first question to my husband was "how could you give her something that belonged only to me?"  He complimented her, lied to her about our relationship, left me when I had just delivered an 11 pound baby at home without meds, how dare he?  He said he loved her, yet loved me.  Now I know he didn't love either of us.  His physical affair lasted 14 years.  The other affairs lasted our whole married life.  Now I am supposed to forgive him, trust him and continue in this marriage?  I think not!  It is so hard.

BTW, I had total knee replacement last week.  I could sure use some prayers.  Thankfully I still have children home for some help.  Any suggestions on getting rid of nauseousness, or feeling crappy - I will take them.  Pain?  I have NONE!  Amazing, I know.  But, the nauseousness is about to be the end of me.

Welcome, Dodo_failed - that name fits all you WS.  You definitely failed.  Sorry you are here.  Sorry we are all here. 


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