smorrow
Hello. I cannot thank you all enough. I am new to this site and I have really felt a lot of comfort in reading your posts. We are 3.5 mos from DD. My WH says that he wants to work on things but he is not. He avoids me at all costs. Does a few things like texts to say hi during the work week and we are very cordial towards each other. We have stopped the knock down drag out fights which is healthier for both of us and when we discuss things we do it in a respectful way. I have all of the information about the A that I need at this point but I feel like we are not progressing. I have told him that I want to work on things and that I want to make our marriage better and stronger than before and he says that he wants that also but he also is saying that he is "stuck" says he cannot get himself to do it. It reminds me of Tim's (Marks Story) where he did not realize it until his daughters 16th birthday when he was an invited guest. I told my WH that story and he says that is going to be him... I dont want that to be him. I am so angry at his inability to do the work that he is pushing me away. I am starting to open my eyes and realize that maybe I dont want to be with this man who was willing to put our lives in jeopardy- the lives of my children and our family so that he could have this relationship with this other woman (mostly phone calls, emails, and texts-a few Phone sex calls). I understand that he was emotionally "addicted" to her and that emotional affairs are hard to get over. I just dont know how much longer I can take this... I am a shell of myself. I have lost 35 lbs and I can barely get food into my mouth on a daily basis. I am not a 10th of the mother I used to be and I am barely cutting it at my job. I am falling behind in every aspect of my life. He has taken away everything from me and I am not sure that I am willing to be with a person like that. I need help. 
Thank you
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Tim2014
Sorry for your situation but one things for certain you can't make their mind up for them but you can set boundaries. First and foremost no contact whatsoever the fog isny going to lift until that happens. Second start taking care of you! That's the only thing you can control !!!
There's alot of useful stuff to read like divorce busters 180 approach but I can tell you I have felt the same as you!!!
Sorry you're here
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Robin1971
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am just about 7 months ( apr 7) from DD. And I know exactly how you feel. Only difference between our WS is mine is trying. Does it make it better? I can't answer that because in my head I am still emotionally drained, physically worn down. But as you ask, you can not make him do anything. You can only do YOU, and after you work on you, than YOU decide if there will be an US. But that is YOUR decision to make after you have come to terms with what is happening in your world now. In my mind, he has lost those rights.. I know what you think you want, you want him to commit right now, you want to have it all better right now, you want it done right now, etc, but you have to start to heal you first. You have to take care of your kids. He definitely needs to work on himself, but you can't make him, he has to want it.

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smorrow
Tim and Robin1971- Thank you for your replies. I am sorry that any of us have to go through this. I agree I cannot make him do the work- he has to want to. I am trying to work on me. It is hard some days as it feels so out of my control. Thanks 
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Tim2014
The closer to dday the harder it is time and distance have a way of hoing you heal but by no means is it easy or the journey you have been thrust on either way! It's the hardest thing you'll ever go through or experience it's something no one should go through let's face it they didn't want out they wanted there cake and eat it too but then caught so it's like you just smashed in their face
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smorrow
Thanks Tim
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Tim2014
You're welcome
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Tim2014
Sorrow has he seen anything on this sight because he should be reading a lot of kal responses to help him see a truly remorseful ws
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smorrow
Tim- im not sure that he would look but I will suggest it to him... 
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TimT
smorrow wrote:
...I am so angry at his inability to do the work that he is pushing me away. I am starting to open my eyes and realize that maybe I dont want to be with this man who was willing to put our lives in jeopardy- the lives of my children and our family so that he could have this relationship with this other woman (mostly phone calls, emails, and texts-a few Phone sex calls). I understand that he was emotionally "addicted" to her and that emotional affairs are hard to get over. I just dont know how much longer I can take this...

Three and a half months may seem like an eternity, but it's still too early to know what your new "normal" will actually look like. That's not an attempt to convince you to stay... only you can decide whether you are willing to do that or not. But while neither of you can expect perfection from each other right now, you should be seeing PROGRESS in his change: diminished connection to the OW and consistent investment into change for himself and your marriage. If you feel stuck, get some help from a counselor, mentor, or religious leader.

Anytime anger enters into the picture (through either one of you), it can be difficult to maintain any kind of equilibrium. You need to be able to speak honestly about what you are feeling, but try to do that without going to anger. (And when anger simply must have its way, you'll do better to back off and come back at the issue once anger is diminished.) See the Anger FISHing guide for some suggestions about this.

I would not suggest the "180 Plan" at this point, since that is more effective with a spouse who is more engaged with the affair or in their own indecision than your husband seems to be right now. Since there has been some progress, I would encourage a plan in which you are both engaged in working TOGETHER toward your healing. (And at this point I wish I could offer you the pair of recovery manuals I'm writing since they will be useful to couples like you, but they're just not ready yet!) Counseling? Working through an affair recovery book together? Something structured would benefit both of you and probably give you a truer measure of his willingness to invest in the necessary change. 

If, of course, he is all words and no action, then you have little hope of regaining trust or moving toward relaxed intimacy. If he doesn't have the book, How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, I'd recommend it to him.
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smorrow
TimT- Thank you. You are right the anger doesn't help. I read the FISHing guide last night. It is spot on thank you. I will suggest the book to him. I think he is figuring it out and trying but I am not sure that it will ever be enough. 
Thanks 
Steph
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