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Courage
I think setting boundaries and then not following through with the consequences is obviously because the consequence is so much bigger than us, so terrifying that it's easier to not follow through. The other side is very daunting. The consequences of ending it are so multi faceted we can barely wrap our brains around it. It's a change so great and so painful. But as has been said here, each time a boundary is crossed, we let go that little bit more- until eventually there is nothing left to do but end it.
It takes an amazingly strong person to end something they never wanted to end. Someone who is willing to possibly forgive the most devestating pain you will ever experience, is a pretty strong person.
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TimeToFly
Courage wrote:
I think setting boundaries and then not following through with the consequences is obviously because the consequence is so much bigger than us, so terrifying that it's easier to not follow through. The other side is very daunting. The consequences of ending it are so multi faceted we can barely wrap our brains around it. It's a change so great and so painful. But as has been said here, each time a boundary is crossed, we let go that little bit more- until eventually there is nothing left to do but end it. It takes an amazingly strong person to end something they never wanted to end. Someone who is willing to possibly forgive the most devestating pain you will ever experience, is a pretty strong person.


Yes, you have said it so well...the consequence is bigger than us & so terrifying. The change is great beyond what I could even imagine & there is still so much pain surrounding the decision that I was forced to make. When you are forced to make a choice like this (getting a divorce) it really weighs heavily on you. It's hard to end something that you were fighting so hard for & wanted to see succeed in spite of the odds that were stacked up against it. I wanted us to be "that couple" that made it & realized that what we had was too precious to lose. I thought so often how can "he" want to lose so much but in the end he knew what he was losing & it didn't cause him to change his direction. He was still going down that affair road. I had to find a different road....I'm still trying to find my way on this other road.
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TimeToFly
Intuition77 wrote:
TimeToFly wrote:
Sometimes I think that I was the fool to put up with everything for as long as I did. In many ways it just made things so much harder.
This struck me because it was something I berated myself with and I felt that way too. I don't anymore. Usually. Though the bad days make it creep back up. I think we are loving and kind and we wished to offer grace even when it was most Undeserved. I think we are strong and stand for things that matter like family, that we are not easily bent in a storm. That we are not made of shallow things or run from problems. That when dealt immense hurt & pain we still felt Empathy & Compassion for those that hurt us. And I think rather then foolish those qualities make us far more likely to be able to enjoy life to the fullest. [smile]



Glad to hear that you don't feel that way anymore. I' m trying to get to that place. You are right...we are strong & often probably stronger than we give ourselves credit for especially given the difficult circumstances surrounding affairs.

I did offer grace & forgiveness & at least I feel like I gave it my very best at making things better in our marriage. I felt there was nothing more I could do & if I had continued to stay in the situation I was in I knew I would continue to be hurt & the pain would never go away.

At least now I'm starting slowly but surely to think that over time some of the deep wounds that I have will begin to heal. I know it will take time for me to rebuild but I'm starting to believe it is possible which is more than I thought even a few months ago.  
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Anna26
TimeToFly wrote:


We also were still sharing the same bed & again I wonder why I didn't tell him to sleep on the couch. He really deserved the floor but the couch would have been the next best place. Instead he slept soundly while I cried myself to sleep or walked the floors so many nights.




I always wondered how I could bring myself to even share the same bed with him, but it was out of necessity more than anything.  There was nothing physical, no comfort in him being there, we would just turn or backs on each other and try and sleep.  Well, he seemed to sleep like a baby, while I, like you, spent the night with it all going round in my head.  It was the last thing I thought of at night and the first thing on my mind in the morning.  And I used to get up a lot too and sit and think downstairs.
Now he's not there, I sleep better, whether it's the out of sight out of mind thing helping or just the fact that I have the bed to myself and can stretch out more I don't know!

Since giving him that ultimatum I've discoverd I'm not quite so afraid of saying what I think.  I could be a bit quiet, reticent even about what I thought and seemed, with hindsight, to go along with whatever he suggested for the sake of a quiet life.  I'm now learning to speak my mind more, but in a productive way.  That said, I was never a pushover, I am as stubborn as a mule and have the determination to see something through.
But I really wish I could have seen more of what was wrong at the time.  Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing...
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Anna26
Intuition77 wrote:
I think we are loving and kind and we wished to offer grace even when it was most Undeserved. I think we are strong and stand for things that matter like family, that we are not easily bent in a storm. That we are not made of shallow things or run from problems. That when dealt immense hurt & pain we still felt Empathy & Compassion for those that hurt us. And I think rather then foolish those qualities make us far more likely to be able to enjoy life to the fullest. [smile]




So true.  I think women in particular are made of stern stuff, are strong and kind of used to dealing with problems,  You already have the basics of juggling home life, work, and kids, and then as life progresses, parents, illnesses, bereavements etc, and when yet something else ie: an affair lands in our lap, we just add it to the pack and stagger gamely on.  That's not to say men don't do this or are not capable of it, I just think women have it down to a fine art.

But I do feel because we are like this, we are constantly putting everyone else first, we forget about our emotional needs, and feel undervalued, worthless and to some extent have lost our individuality.
Is this our fault?  Should we be more selfish and think of ourselves more? 
Maybe not, without those tools we wouldn't be able to feel the empathy and compassion for those that cause us pain.  And I think we need those too to be able to move on and believe in ourselves.  These things are a gift and I for one am very grateful that I am capable of them.
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TimeToFly
Anna26 wrote:
TimeToFly wrote:


We also were still sharing the same bed & again I wonder why I didn't tell him to sleep on the couch. He really deserved the floor but the couch would have been the next best place. Instead he slept soundly while I cried myself to sleep or walked the floors so many nights.




My son always wondered how I could bring myself to even share the same bed with him, but it was out of necessity more than anything.  There was nothing physical, no comfort in him being there, we would just turn or backs on each other and try and sleep.  Well, he seemed to sleep like a baby, while I, like you, spent the night with it all going round in my head.  It was the last thing I thought of at night and the first thing on my mind in the morning.  And I used to get up a lot too and sit and think downstairs.
Now he's not there, I sleep better, whether it's the out of sight out of mind thing helping or just the fact that I have the bed to myself and can stretch out more I don't know!

Since giving him that ultimatum I've discoverd I'm not quite so afraid of saying what I think.  I could be a bit quiet, reticent even about what I thought and seemed, with hindsight, to go along with whatever he suggested for the sake of a quiet life.  I'm now learning to speak my mind more, but in a productive way.  That said, I was never a pushover, I am as stubborn as a mule and have the determination to see something through.
But I really wish I could have seen more of what was wrong at the time.  Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing...


Well your "sleeping situation" sounds almost identical to mine!! I can remember so many times looking over at him & he was on his Ipad & all I could think was he's emailing her from the comfort of our bed & home. Such a painful thought....

I have also found that I'm sleeping better. Some nights I still wake up & think about everything that has happened over the past four years but at least it doesn't keep me awake for the rest of the night. So I suppose that's an improvement. Plus when I look across the bed all I see is my dog stretched out & sleeping soundly! 

I was also the type of person who was on the quieter side when it came to speaking my mind about things. I'd just let it go to avoid any kind of conflict. Now that's really not the case. I tend to speak up more & am much less tolerant of things than I used to be. 
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Anna26
Oh TimeToFly, you sound so like me it's unbelievable..are you sure we haven't met somewhere?? Lol...
Had to laugh when you said about the ipad...my WS isn't very technically minded, so it was more like texting her from the loo before he came to bed but I was online one night, checking phone account, when THE phone number appeared in the list right in front of me and he was sat across the room on his mobile phone!!  Couldn't believe it..at the time it's not funny at all is it. Even now it rankles.
Then he got wise, and got another phone...but I knew about that one as well!
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
Glad you have someone faithful and reliable in your life to keep you warm at night though! [wink]
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TimeToFly
Anna26 wrote:
Oh TimeToFly, you sound so like me it's unbelievable..are you sure we haven't met somewhere?? Lol...
Had to laugh when you said about the ipad...my WS isn't very technically minded, so it was more like texting her from the loo before he came to bed but I was online one night, checking phone account, when THE phone number appeared in the list right in front of me and he was sat across the room on his mobile phone!!  Couldn't believe it..at the time it's not funny at all is it. Even now it rankles.
Then he got wise, and got another phone...but I knew about that one as he'd texted her on the old one to let her know!
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
Glad you have someone faithful and reliable in your life to keep you warm at night though! [wink]


Yes, we really do sound a lot alike!!! My ex is very good with most things involving technology but was really a fool when it came to stuff with the affair. He used his work email account for a lot of their corresponding (who would do that...well him & he still does!) & then used an email account that I had the password to as it was a general account. He wasn't good at deleting things either. In many ways it was like he wasn't really trying to hide things or if he was he did a terrible job of it. 

He also charged several things on credit cards that we shared so when the bill would arrive I would see exactly what he spent, where they went, etc. since I've always handled the bills!!! Talk about painful when you see your money being spent on someone else. I really hate to think how much was spent because it's money that is just gone & what it went towards makes me angry. Just one of the many things that you deal with because of an affair. 








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