Joss
Hi
my husband keeps being in and out of our relationship. He is the one that cheated and i feel like he is not trying to gain my trust again. Every time i ask him if he is still talking to her he respond with a "no but think what you will" or "i am not going to tell you everything im doing" he acts that way one minute and the next he is being nice to me and talking to me like nothing happened. Its been 2 months since i found out. And 3 weeks since he moved out. And i want to work things out and some times he says the same thing and some times he says he doesn't really care. I am so frustrated mad and loosing hope.. I dont want to give up but im really close to do so
Any advise would be greatly appreciated
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TimT
Joss wrote:
Hi my husband keeps being in and out of our relationship. He is the one that cheated and i feel like he is not trying to gain my trust again. Every time i ask him if he is still talking to her he respond with a "no but think what you will" or "i am not going to tell you everything im doing" he acts that way one minute and the next he is being nice to me and talking to me like nothing happened. Its been 2 months since i found out. And 3 weeks since he moved out. And i want to work things out and some times he says the same thing and some times he says he doesn't really care. I am so frustrated mad and loosing hope...

I understand that you desperately want to save your marriage, but you have to recognize what you control and what you do not control. You have FULL control your response (perspective and choices) to your husband's affair and ongoing behavior; you have SOME control over the condition of your marriage/home; you have NEXT TO NO control over your husband's thinking or behavior at this point. 

But you may be spending all your effort on the very thing you cannot control. As long as you do this, he controls the outcome of everything. I know you feel desperate and are doing the only thing you can think about doing, but you need to focus on what it means for YOU to move forward in healthy ways, even if he chooses not to. That means backing off and creating some boundaries. That is a scary choice because you don't know what the outcome will be, but trying to manage him will only exhaust you and cause him to back away.

Have you read the Wayward Spouse article? You can download it here: Winning Back Your Wayward Spouse.
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Joss
Thanks tim i have read it and i send him the letter but i feel that as soon as he got the letter he "tried" for 1/2 a week and then went back to being the same again and he messes with my emotions and my kids emotions as well. And to be honest it makes me mad to read other people's story's that are worst than mine and the unfaithful spause is trying everthing to be ok with bs. And he is not trying 1/2 of what i have read here. Maybe im still being to nice to him.
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TimT
Joss wrote:
Thanks tim i have read it and i send him the letter but i feel that as soon as he got the letter he "tried" for 1/2 a week and then went back to being the same again and he messes with my emotions and my kids emotions as well. And to be honest it makes me mad to read other people's story's that are worst than mine and the unfaithful spause is trying everything to be ok with bs. And he is not trying 1/2 of what i have read here. Maybe im still being to nice to him.

Hmmm... if you've told him what you need and what you expect, and he's not giving you that consistently, then you should absolutely NOT be trying to fix your marriage. I'm not saying that you should leave him, I'm simply saying that you must not be trying to rebuild your marriage alone. You may be responding too quickly to every hint from him that maybe he wants you back again. His occasional efforts need to turn into a consistent pursuit.

Until you see the evidence of that, keep the boundaries in place. If you do not, this pattern will repeat until somebody gets worn out. (And I do see some marriages that move forward in this wearing-each-other-out pattern. But I think most of us need a more honest/intimate connection than that. Most of us had something else in mind when promises were spoken.)
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Joss
TimT wrote:
Joss wrote:
Thanks tim i have read it and i send him the letter but i feel that as soon as he got the letter he "tried" for 1/2 a week and then went back to being the same again and he messes with my emotions and my kids emotions as well. And to be honest it makes me mad to read other people's story's that are worst than mine and the unfaithful spause is trying everything to be ok with bs. And he is not trying 1/2 of what i have read here. Maybe im still being to nice to him.

Hmmm... if you've told him what you need and what you expect, and he's not giving you that consistently, then you should absolutely NOT be trying to fix your marriage. I'm not saying that you should leave him, I'm simply saying that you must not be trying to rebuild your marriage alone. You may be responding too quickly to every hint from him that maybe he wants you back again. His occasional efforts need to turn into a consistent pursuit.

Until you see the evidence of that, keep the boundaries in place. If you do not, this pattern will repeat until somebody gets worn out. (And I do see some marriages that move forward in this wearing-each-other-out pattern. But I think most of us need a more honest/intimate connection than that. Most of us had something else in mind when promises were spoken.)

Thanks tim
you are very right....i must be cosistant on my boundaries.it is very hard to keep my distance and NOT run and hug him evey time i see him. I dont know why after what he did i still have that urge to hug and kiss him. Another question i have is their an average time frame of separation i had giving him a month and from what i see here its not enough i from 3 to 6 months is the average but i dont know
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AHmember68
Hi joss , I am totally in the same situation like you somehow I don't know what boundaries I should out in place to my husband , can you share with me ?
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Joss
AHmember68 wrote:
Hi joss , I am totally in the same situation like you somehow I don't know what boundaries I should out in place to my husband , can you share with me ?


Hi! AHmember68
I don't know your situation but today i posted on another subject what happend to me today. And ill tell you alittle bit of it. I told him i had contacted his ap and she had confessed to me that they where infact still talking. So i confronted him about and he had no expression on his face. Didn't really say much but try to blame me for it again he said because he wasn't living at home still. He didn't know why he was still talking to her. He sound like a drug addict or an an alcoholic. Because he said" i can stop talking to her when ever i want to, i have done it before and i dont even talk to her everyday or all day like you think i do" To what i told him i know what you mean i feel the same way because you are not here im un sure of your commitment to us we are both on this ship that is sinking and WE are not doing anything to stop it from sinking..... You are more than welcome to come back home when their is 100% no contact with her! I love you and i want our marriage to work but i cant no longer allow you to mock me and our marriage. That was the boundary i set today and i don't know what is going to happen. But i have to work on my self for what ever the outcome of that bountry. I need to get rid of this knot in my stomach that i have been feeling again for this hole week. I hope this helps you in some way. Keep your head up and think of you. Set the boundaries and focus on yourself.(i feel alittle hypocritical because im telling you this but yet im not doing it) (sorry) but i am trying to get help on this. Hole this helps you in a way
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Kalmarjan
Joss wrote:
AHmember68 wrote:
Hi joss , I am totally in the same situation like you somehow I don't know what boundaries I should out in place to my husband , can you share with me ?


Hi! AHmember68
I don't know your situation but today i posted on another subject what happend to me today. And ill tell you alittle bit of it. I told him i had contacted his ap and she had confessed to me that they where infact still talking. So i confronted him about and he had no expression on his face. Didn't really say much but try to blame me for it again he said because he wasn't living at home still. He didn't know why he was still talking to her. He sound like a drug addict or an an alcoholic. Because he said" i can stop talking to her when ever i want to, i have done it before and i dont even talk to her everyday or all day like you think i do" To what i told him i know what you mean i feel the same way because you are not here im un sure of your commitment to us we are both on this ship that is sinking and WE are not doing anything to stop it from sinking..... You are more than welcome to come back home when their is 100% no contact with her! I love you and i want our marriage to work but i cant no longer allow you to mock me and our marriage. That was the boundary i set today and i don't know what is going to happen. But i have to work on my self for what ever the outcome of that bountry. I need to get rid of this knot in my stomach that i have been feeling again for this hole week. I hope this helps you in some way. Keep your head up and think of you. Set the boundaries and focus on yourself.(i feel alittle hypocritical because im telling you this but yet im not doing it) (sorry) but i am trying to get help on this. Hole this helps you in a way


I know it must have been hard to do this.

As a person who has been there before, I can tell you straight, it IS like an addiction, one that is hard to break.

In my case, it cake down to a choice, and the person I didn't choose would end up hurt. PERIOD. my AP tried to use that to keep me strung along.

I chose who I wanted and was supposed to. Therefore, I had to "disconnect" that emotional hose.

I smoked for 15 years, 10 of those a hard core smoker. I know what getting through an addiction is like. This was the same. I sometimes even catch myself thinking about her and the thought pops up to contact her covertly like through a text or something. But, I also know that it's an addiction and I'll end up right back to the square one, which isn't acceptable to me.

My attention is with my wife. Period.

Your husband has the same hallmarks. Even the same language.

Quote:
i can stop talking to her when ever i want to, i have done it before and i dont even talk to her everyday or all day like you think i do


Change "stop talking to her" to "stop smoking" and you'll see what I mean. He's addicted.
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Joss
Kalmarjan wrote:
Joss wrote:
AHmember68 wrote:
Hi joss , I am totally in the same situation like you somehow I don't know what boundaries I should out in place to my husband , can you share with me ?


Hi! AHmember68
I don't know your situation but today i posted on another subject what happend to me today. And ill tell you alittle bit of it. I told him i had contacted his ap and she had confessed to me that they where infact still talking. So i confronted him about and he had no expression on his face. Didn't really say much but try to blame me for it again he said because he wasn't living at home still. He didn't know why he was still talking to her. He sound like a drug addict or an an alcoholic. Because he said" i can stop talking to her when ever i want to, i have done it before and i dont even talk to her everyday or all day like you think i do" To what i told him i know what you mean i feel the same way because you are not here im un sure of your commitment to us we are both on this ship that is sinking and WE are not doing anything to stop it from sinking..... You are more than welcome to come back home when their is 100% no contact with her! I love you and i want our marriage to work but i cant no longer allow you to mock me and our marriage. That was the boundary i set today and i don't know what is going to happen. But i have to work on my self for what ever the outcome of that bountry. I need to get rid of this knot in my stomach that i have been feeling again for this hole week. I hope this helps you in some way. Keep your head up and think of you. Set the boundaries and focus on yourself.(i feel alittle hypocritical because im telling you this but yet im not doing it) (sorry) but i am trying to get help on this. Hole this helps you in a way


I know it must have been hard to do this.

As a person who has been there before, I can tell you straight, it IS like an addiction, one that is hard to break.

In my case, it cake down to a choice, and the person I didn't choose would end up hurt. PERIOD. my AP tried to use that to keep me strung along.

I chose who I wanted and was supposed to. Therefore, I had to "disconnect" that emotional hose.

I smoked for 15 years, 10 of those a hard core smoker. I know what getting through an addiction is like. This was the same. I sometimes even catch myself thinking about her and the thought pops up to contact her covertly like through a text or something. But, I also know that it's an addiction and I'll end up right back to the square one, which isn't acceptable to me.

My attention is with my wife. Period.

Your husband has the same hallmarks. Even the same language.

Quote:
i can stop talking to her when ever i want to, i have done it before and i dont even talk to her everyday or all day like you think i do


Change "stop talking to her" to "stop smoking" and you'll see what I mean. He's addicted.


Yes kalmarjan
He sounds like an addict after he said that he also said i see that i can stop doing things when i want to because i have "stoped"smoking when i want to he was never a "smoker" he would only smoke ones in a blue moon but i guess the stress of having ap is taking a toll on him that now he smokes
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Kalmarjan
Typical... I never understood someone who smoked "once in a blue moon." Addicted. LOL
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Intuition77
My husbands a full denial alcoholic. One of his favorite lines is "I can quit anytime I want" & "I've quit before"
Nevermind when someone really quits something they don't have to keep quitting. If you read about addiction and denial there's a circular pattern to this. If they admit there's a problem Then they have to admit their own flaws, they will start to see the issue clearly then to self protect the denial steps in-I can quit anytime I want they then have to deny they want to quit to cover the fact that they can't. This then leads back to it's not really a problem it's your problem. It loops over and over.


And yes my husband said exact same things like I'm
Not really talking to her anymore, we barely talk now, I could quit calling her I just don't see why we can't be friends, I only see her at work now etc. Always with that should be enough for you-thus taking HIS problem & making it my problem and blaming me without actually coming out and saying I blame you. It's crazy making.
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Kalmarjan
Intuition77 wrote:
My husbands a full denial alcoholic. One of his favorite lines is "I can quit anytime I want" & "I've quit before"
Nevermind when someone really quits something they don't have to keep quitting. If you read about addiction and denial there's a circular pattern to this. If they admit there's a problem Then they have to admit their own flaws, they will start to see the issue clearly then to self protect the denial steps in-I can quit anytime I want they then have to deny they want to quit to cover the fact that they can't. This then leads back to it's not really a problem it's your problem. It loops over and over.


And yes my husband said exact same things like I'm
Not really talking to her anymore, we barely talk now, I could quit calling her I just don't see why we can't be friends, I only see her at work now etc. Always with that should be enough for you-thus taking HIS problem & making it my problem and blaming me without actually coming out and saying I blame you. It's crazy making.


Oh guilty. I was so guilty of what you said at the end. That was until I got blast back from here. I finally was able to take responsibility for what I was doing and how that impacted my wife. I had no other choice but to sever complete contact, because I knew for sure it was an addiction.

No excuses. No contact.

If anything, I think that this should be the #1 thing a WS needs (strives) to understand then implement FOR REAL in order to make the path to real recovery possible.

No excuses. No contact.
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Intuition77
AHmember68 wrote:
Hi joss , I am totally in the same situation like you somehow I don't know what boundaries I should out in place to my husband , can you share with me ?


I can recommend the books boundaries and boundaries in marriage by Henry cloud to help get you started on understanding boundaries. Also dance of anger by Harriet Lerner (if your a woman) is helpful with this too. It's tricky at first. It takes practice. I had NO concept of boundaries or what it meant or how to enforce them or consequences in the beginning. A good easy beginning is with anyone not just your spouse stop reactively people pleasing without thinking about if it's what you want and reacting immediately. Biggest one for most people is saying yes. Do you say yes without even thinking if it is what you want? It's ok to say no. It's easier to start with telling people I'll have to think about it & then deciding if it's something you want to do. It gives you some space and removes the anxiety.


Instead stop breathe and if something doesn't feel right or isn't ok with you just say "that's not okay with me". Picture holding your hand up to tell someone stop. Seriously just this small step towards standing up for yourself will help a lot. Let's say your grown sibling shows up and just decides their going to stay with you-without asking. "I'm not okay with that". Your kids ignore their chores. "I'm not okay with that". Obviously these situations will require more decisions but that first step of just saying something isn't ok with you is a big step.

Affairs and betrayal are huge & traumatic. Establishing boundaries and following through there feels huge scary and painful. Boundaries and consequences there are hard to get used to but necessary. Usually though your lack of boundaries will be in other areas of your life so you can get less stressful practice there. Like for example if a friend is constantly 30 min late you can say I feel disrespected when your not on time for our meetings & don't call & I care about our friendship so I would like to talk
About this. I would appreciate it if you can either be on time or call to let me
Know your running late or I'll have to go ahead with our plans without you. Then follow through.

The biggest point is the boundary isn't about making them change or do what you want. It's not a threat. Its not an ultimatum. It's about protecting you. In the above scenario the boundary isn't to make your friend be punctual. It's to try to protect yourself and your friendship from feeling disrespected. and to show yourself respect. That is the key to boundaries. That's all. If you focus on trying to make them change it won't work, you'll feel Upset or angry and they'll feel manipulated. If you focus on just honoring yourself and showing yourself respect then you'll feel the difference even if they never change. And when you start giving boundaries others will push up against them at first-it's some thing new, they see it as a threat to how things worked before (was working for them clearly not you) so you have to be ready to handle that too. So above the late friend may push back at first with "your being ridiculous it's not my fault I'm late" "your making a big deal out of nothing" you need to stand up for your needs & you can see someone else's point of view but still respect your own needs.

For me "getting" boundaries was like a revelation. It changed "if you love me & wanted this marriage you'd stop talking to her or go to therapy etc" (makes him feel forced made me
Feel like a victim) to " your free to stay in contact with her and make no serious efforts to work at this marriage with therapy etc however that's not a marriage I will be a part of" (he's free to do as he pleases & I'm simply controlling my own life)

And my only job after was to enforce that to protect myself. Not give him extra
Chances, not back down because he got angry or upset. I will not be a part of a marriage with cheating lies and my WS not making serious effort to repair what he did. And I did enforce it. Took me
Some time to figure it all out. We are not together. I do not discuss the marriage anymore as it is dead to me
Now. But that was what I needed to do for me. You need to choose Consequences you need.
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