Valntine66 Show full post »
sunflower07
Valntine66 wrote:


I have asked and begged and persuaded that a professional counselor would help.  My wife wanted to really divorce me on day 2 after D-Day but the pastor talked her out of it.  She has the papers already, but the only thing I really have left is that I will tell the deacons, wife, and the church of their affair IF she does not at least go to one counsel session with me.  Unless you have a better idea


Val,

I think that's a great idea!
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Hope4Healing
I think I remember reading that you have been a pastor in the past, and you have this deaf ministry now correct? You KNOW that threatening her with telling the deacons is NOT the way to handle this. In that same breath, you also KNOW you have no other option than to bring this affair to their attention. And no one can blame you for that because that's how it's supposed to be handled. What they choose to do is not your concern.

I agree with the poster above also, I do not want to sound unsympathetic, but you are definitely playing the victim and you need to think that through. As for fighting for your marriage for five months, I know everyones healing journey is different, but I could almost certainly guarantee five months is not all its gonna take.
You also need to think about this: during this time when you thought you were working on your marriage, she was having an affair with your pastor so really nothing you were doing was having any affect on fixing your marriage. For a healing to happen, it's gonna take both working on their own issues AND the marriage TOGETHER.

The last thing I want to say is probably going to sound harsh and judgmental, but so be it. You cannot really be seriously thinking that it is alright for you or your wife to stay in your positions in this ministry. You have both had affairs and now it's involved the pastor! You and her both need to take a step back and fix some things inside yourselves and get your marriage back in line with God's perfect plan, then you may have something to bring to these people. I know God can forgive you and her, but repentance isn't the only thing needed here. How can you minister to other people when your own life is in such a mess? Do you not think God would want you to put all your effort into fixing your marriage first and foremost? Doesn't the Bible say in 1 Tim 3:5 For if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?
I apologize if I've sounded rude to you, that was not my intention. I am a Christan and I tried to say what I felt needed to be said with compassion and understanding. You are a man of God, He hasn't left you and He can fix this, if you both let Him. God bless you.
Hope4Healing
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Valntine66
Valntine66 wrote:


I have asked and begged and persuaded that a professional counselor would help.  My wife wanted to really divorce me on day 2 after D-Day but the pastor talked her out of it.  She has the papers already, but the only thing I really have left is that I will tell the deacons, wife, and the church of their affair IF she does not at least go to one counsel session with me.  Unless you have a better idea


Adultery has no bearing on a divorce in Washington State. Cheating doesn't matter because Washington State is a "no-fault" state, which means that either party can file for divorce without providing proof of a particular cause, such as adultery.

Instead, the filing party only has to state that the marriage is "irretrievably broken." Because adultery doesn't matter in a Washington State divorce, it does not impact the parenting plan or divorce settlement.
Val
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Negarcia
Valntine66 wrote:


Adultery has no bearing on a divorce in Washington State. Cheating doesn't matter because Washington State is a "no-fault" state, which means that either party can file for divorce without providing proof of a particular cause, such as adultery.

Instead, the filing party only has to state that the marriage is "irretrievably broken." Because adultery doesn't matter in a Washington State divorce, it does not impact the parenting plan or divorce settlement.


Val
I know you are trying to be compassionate but you both committed adultery no matter who did it first. Why don't you sit and talk to her and tell her you will sign the papers if she agrees to go to counseling with you. One it's done you will sign the papers. Why is it that you can put this in front of you but she can't do anything in return.
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Valntine66
My entire family is been trying to get in touch with her. She's been missing since yesterday. Texting, calling her, trying to find her location is been unsuccessful. About the only way I can think of maybe where she would be is again to break into her cell phone account and look who she texted last. I don't know what stops me now from breaking her cell phone account when I did it before. But I did ask her to please go to just one counseling with a professional counselor for just one session
Val
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Kalmarjan
As for all of this, the only thing I can think to say about the point regarding whether the deconstruction should be made aware of the pastor's action is, that while you can't stand to inflict any more pain on your wife (which I'm calling BS because it sounds like it's more about deflecting pain from your end) doesn't the congregation deserve to have a say in whether they are led by someone who is dishonest and frankly used his position of authority to conduct an affair?

It's a messy situation you're in, but everything that I know about God and Jesus says that the sinner needs to own up to his deeds, and make reparations for them. It is quite impossible to forgive a sin that is constantly reoccurring.
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Valntine66
Updated on topic:  Discovered my BS is having an affair with our pastor
Val
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