confused619
What should i do?

My husband and I just got married mid January 2016. One month before our wedding, i was looking for a storage device to use and came across my husbands USB that he had just purchased.

I opened it and what i found on it was extremely hard to process.. From all the data he had decided to keep, and the date stamps on the videos and pictures.. He had been cheating on me since  December 2014.
All of the cheating (from what he has told me and what i have seen) has only been online via chat websites.

I was disgusted and so upset that there were so many different girls he had done things with online, i went into complete shock and packed everything i owned and put it in my car. We live with his parents, recently moved to a small beach-side town so we had no friends or family other than his parents where we lived.
I packed all my things and just drove to the beach and called him. I told him what i had found and he couldn't talk at the time, but he knew what i was talking about. I sat in my car for hours sitting there all numb wondering what i should do.. I was getting married in a months time to him; should i cancel it or go through with it and try and work it out?

Long story short, we talked and his 'main reason' was because of our lacking sex life.. i always pushed him away when he wanted to. I hate the fact that that was his excuse for what he did..
He told me he still loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I know he still loves me, but all i think about is those videos and pictures of him and all those girls online doing stuff and it is making me go crazy. It is all i think about.

I've broken down in front of him a few times and we have talked about it openly since then and has thrown away basically all of his technology except for his phone and desktop computer so i can try and be at ease a little more knowing he doesn't have access to laptops and iPads etc.

We did go through with it and get married and it was the happiest day of our lives so far.. I'm willing to forgive him, but I'm struggling on how i can do this when all i think about is what he did. I told him i want to go to a counsellor and he says it's not the best idea because they will say stuff I/we want to hear. But i feel as though i need to go so i can process and heal and get guidance from a professional as to how i can move forward and deal with this.
I love him to bits but i hate him so much for being unfaithful for such a long time and acting like nothing was ever wrong.

We are saving up for a house, talk about having a family one day.. but now i feel as though i want none of that with him.
I feel as though i deserve so much better and someone better who wouldn't do that to me.

What do i do? I don't want to be that couple that got married and divorced 3 months later. I want to be with him for the rest of my life but i don't know how to do that when i don't know how to deal with with all of this.


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Kalmarjan
Confused619,

Welcome here, but sorry to see you here.

Wow, I can't imagine your pain, especially since it was a new marriage for you. I can put a few things into perspective though...

1) Whenever you get to the point where you start talking about how it's your fault for him straying, stop. It's not. You had nothing to do with his choice. Honestly, if he had a problem with the frequency of sex, then it is up to him to BE A MAN and fess up, and get it dealt with, NOT bang someone else (or sext) on the side.

2) It looks like he isn't interested in your healing here, but more about you just getting over it. That's nice. But, it's not up to him. You have a choice here.

3) YOU have complete control. Over how you feel. It's not up to him to dictate how things will go forward. He has a LONG history of straying and cheating (and yes, online sexting, pictures, emotional, pictures, etc... It's ALL cheating) so it's not like he gets to decide whether you are good for now.

4) He needs to be busting his ass to make this better for you. That means whatever you need to make you feel SAFE with him, be upfront and clear. Sure, he's got rid of all his tech. Great. Know what? My cheater best friend got rid of Facebook, but it didn't help his cheating ways, it just removed ONE avenue for him to cheat. He shouldn't get a pass for a bull makeover like this.

5) You don't feel safe. Why would you? Can you guarantee he won't pull this crap 5 years from now when you have next to no time for him because you are overwhelmed by taking care of feeding his child? What is his plan to keep connected and communicating with you his needs when that happens? Or, will he stray again? That's a LOT of pressure on you, and it's not fair.

So, what's a person to do?

You're in the right place. First, take a look at the resources in the Free download section about winning your wayward spouse back. Read through the various threads here detailing BS and WS experience. I think you will find a lot of parallel to your story.

Start taking care of yourself. YOU HAVE A RIGHT to a relationship that is based in trust. You have a right to your feelings, and to demand that he is faithful to you. If he can't (then he is NOT a man, but a little, immature boy) then you need to be at a point with yourself where you can show him to the boundary, enforce it, and kick him to the curb where he deserves.

I have a sister in law that was cheated on, then she broke it off with the guy, but is now the other woman (because her WS entered a relationship with his AP, thus turning the BS into an AP - I can't even make that up!) BUT (I swear there's a point to this, I swear...) her problem doesn't stem from this sickness, stupid, ass, poor excuse for a man... It is all about her boundaries, and lack of enforcement.

You don't deserve that treatment.

So, again, welcome aboard. It sucks that you have to be here, but then again, in your situation, I hope that we will be a great resource on your road to recovery from this betrayal.
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TimT
confused619 wrote:
...I told him i want to go to a counsellor and he says it's not the best idea because they will say stuff I/we want to hear. But i feel as though i need to go so i can process and heal and get guidance from a professional as to how i can move forward and deal with this...

ABSOLUTELY GO! This is NOT something you should be trying to work through on your own. You are in a much too vulnerable place, and he needs some outside input to help him take an honest look at what happened.

He might be genuinely regretful and even sincere in his promise to never do it again, but you should not trust his ability to do so. You don't know enough about his patterns; and I doubt he really even has an honest perspective of this situation.

There are many unknowns here. A counselor can help you both sort it out and point you toward healthy choices in the future.
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no_longer_a_victim
Dang I feel for you...being there right now and back then.
We got married by the state in November, planning a big white wedding with all the trimmings (he REALLY wanted this) for 9 months later. 7/7/7 in a national park with friends and family flying in from all over the world and a honeymoon cruise thru Rome/Greece/Italy/Istanbul/Ephesus...something we had each separately dreamed of all our lives.
I started suspecting something was going on in January...he refused to admit anything was going on, but my new (third) husband was sleeping on the living room floor downstairs instead of coming to bed at night. I became suicidal, not wanting my brand new marriage to fail...I was pushed into counseling by my family thank GOD. Two weeks before our big wedding he admitted he'd slept with 2 women (more like just 2 at work and several online). My counselor said I needed to go to a professional marriage counselor with him as he was willing to go now. I was a complete emotional wreck while is 6 family members and a close family friend stayed with us in our 2 bedroom condo for a week before the wedding. I didn't even want to look at the wedding pictures with his mom the days after the wedding. I just sat in a corner of our walk in closet and cried hysterically.
Eventually I forgave him as we continued with counseling, but it was NEVER GOOD after that.
Fast forward to Oct 7, 2015. I came home from work to his girlfriend and her niece and a letter...I talked to them at length to get the proof I needed that he'd been cheating again. He'd been online on CRAIG'S LIST seeking sex partners, couples, and groups to have sex with EVER SINCE WE STARTED DATING IN 2005. I went next door to my friends' home and called another couple over, telling them a little of what was going on. When they got there and understood what was going on, the men went next door and confronted him for me, then came and got me. I took the wives with me for support as they are in my core Bible study group and very close friends, as he "was" with one of the husbands. I threw him out right there.
He was looking at porn as well as all the rest. He's a sex addict. It had nothing to do with me and what I would or wouldn't do with him in bed, or how I looked or anything. His most recent GF looked a lot like me as well as tons of other similarities. He admitted to the addiction and has been going to a sex addicts group since two days after DDay.
He is also going to counseling on his own, has several accountability partners, programs on his phone, computer and tablet that send all his browsing history to them, and to me constantly. They have all his accounts and passwords and emails and meet with him several times a week, taking his electronics and combing through them to see what he's doing to verify what he says is true.
He fooled ALL of our friends...friends who can read people the first few seconds of meeting a person. NO ONE SUSPECTED. Not even our very close police officer friends. He's a very good liar...as all addicts are.
He gave me herpes 1 & 2. He never used a condom. He got hepatitis. I didn't get that Thank you JESUS!
Any time an addict is speaking I have to assume he's lying...
Tomorrow will be 4 months since DDay. I have been going to counseling for myself, no marriage counseling as of yet. We are civil and even nice to each other. He has showered me with gifts, both material and gifts of service; doing things he NEVER did the whole time we were together...dishes, laundry, cleaning. He's not emotionally abused me since. I have put up very strong boundaries, which I was severely lacking previously or I would never have put up with what he had been "not" doing during our whole marriage. I thought everyone on here that had forgive their spouses was insane if they'd done it more than once...but each situation is different. Each marriage and spouse is different. Each story may have similarities, but the perceptions within are all different.
  • I would say that you need to get counseling on your own.
  • You need a support system of women around you. I understand you are new to the area and don't have friends yet. I found mine at church, and talked to my friends on the phone when I was down. Friends who've had addicts as husbands are wonderful to have as they've already lived through it! They tell me how hard it is to work through and how they did it and survived.
  • I picked out 4 ladies that are very strong Christians who will not sugar coat things and ask me the hard questions to get to the core of my feelings...ones without "filters" are great! I go out with one each week for a "check up" as well as my counseling session, reading about boundaries, journaling (both an emotional journal and a regular one), & 30 minutes of sunshine on my face a day while walking/exercising.
  • You need to learn and decide what YOUR OWN boundaries will be and fully and consistently enforce them. If he doesn't like it, out he goes...he's the one with what sounds like an addiction, not you. You were faithful, he wasn't. There are books and workbooks and many churches have classes and support groups for LIFE ISSUES where you can work on this with other ladies.
  • Women are your best friends right now... IMHO guys are dangerous for me now because of the huge hole that is in my heart that "bad ones" will want to "help" me fill. I stay away from sharing things with men unless I'm with their wife and talking to them together.
The time we have spent apart has been WONDERFUL!! I have really enjoyed working on myself and my own issues without worrying about him. It's been so hard at times I just don't know how to go on...it's then that look at my coffee table where I have several paper placemats where I and my friends have written encouraging things to me...things they've posted to me on facebook, BIBLE verses telling me about my worth in GOD not in my marriage or because of what I've done or not done. If this doesn't help, then I phone a friend...and keep calling them until I am pulled out of my funk. I started going to Celebrate Recovery where I've found other ladies in my situation...some have divorced, some have stayed together...all have good advice and have helped me through this. I have talked to ladies who have been the BS and the AP and learned so much. I have also talked to couples who have gone through this...with the cheating spouse giving me wonderful insights and loving on me as a couple. I am so blessed now because I have the support of all of them.

If your husband isn't going to put forth the effort to make you whole and do whatever you need him to do, he's already broken a boundary. If mine hadn't been doing all he's been doing I wouldn't even be talking to him now and would have already filed for a divorce, which was exactly what I was determined to do until very recently...but he's really showing that he wants to put forth the effort to end his addiction and keep me, the very best thing that's ever happened to him (besides Jesus Christ). I am excruciatingly fearful that he will relapse...so I am determined to keep him moved out of the house for a very long time...and I will not let him back into my heart for a very long time, if ever.

GOD prepared me for this much better this time with so much support, so I can know I will live through this, unlike last time. I will pray for you that you will find your way and love yourself enough to stand up for yourself against this behavior and demand the respect and healing you require. This isn't your fault in any way shape or form. He chose to do this...repeatedly...over and over...  He has to hit rock bottom before he will turn around. You don't have to! You can turn around now!!

I hope something I said helps...I'm here if you want to PM me.
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Bahar
Confused619,
Something similar happened to me and I went ahead married my husband . In the long road I had trust issues on top of that I suffered from depression, trust and anxiety. My husband chose to cheat on me again while I was 9 month pregnant . Now , I don't want to stay with him , sometimes I do . If you are going through difficult time trusting him , I suggest leaving him . What if he cheats on you again ?? I'm sure you can find someone else to love you and respect you .
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