Corazon
I'm married for 15years and blessed with 2 lovely kids. He was everything to me. Very affectionate dad to his children. Will do anything for his children. I should mention that it was a perfect marriage until this Easter 2020. He watches porn without my consent and knowledge but I always end up finding out videos from his computer. I didn't like him doing that, I've told him that it hurts me but still he could not stop. This started from the beginning of our marriage. I still loved him and I knew he loved me a lot too so I let go. I started getting dreams of him with other woman for the past 3years. Recently this led me to check his computer and I found 40 sex videos of him and his affair partner on his computer. I couldn't breathe or feel anything inside me for several minutes when I discovered about his affair.
Our love life was regular. Had no problems on bed.
I've asked him if he was interested in anyone else other than me for sex and he has said NO.
I've asked if I was the only woman he has had sex with through out his life and he said YES.
A few times I've even asked him to have sex with another woman if he was attracted to someone else (but I said definitely not without condoms. Just to differenciate between wife and mistress.)
I regularly asked him these questions and asked him to promise me. He made false promises on GOD and my children to all of my questions.
Even though I don't want him to take another woman I still gave him this freedom only because I loved him so much and I didn't want him to end up choosing someone else over me but still he fooled me.
 
I am devasted. I'm unable to accept that he's been lying all the time. His affair has been going on for 5years (2015 - 2019). The videos constantly keeps playing in my mind. I'm shivering, crying and feeling a crushing pain in my heart. I'm having panic attacks during night. Unable to sleep or eat well. It's been more than a month now. I haven't changed a bit. I'm suffering. I've shut myself up. Feel dead.
 
He says that he has ended the affair last year because of guilt and regret. He feels sorry and is asking for my forgiveness. He had videoed for the first 3years, uploaded on his computer and had forgotten to delete. He says that he feels disgust when he thinks about his past. He calls it past already. He says that he tried to confess several times but didn't confess because he was afraid that I would leave him. I'm unable to believe anything he says because he didn't confess. He still gave me false promises even after I discovered the videos then admitted to it only after I showed him video proof. He says he enjoyed sexual pleasure from the other woman. He says he was addicted and couldn't stop. He assumed that I won't find, so he wanted to continue for sometime and then stop. He was confident and convinced that he could hide it from me. Actually true. I would not have found out because their contact was never through phone or emails. She was his colleague so they used work phone for chatting and to plan their meeting.
 
I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always ended up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times. To him, I have apologised for being violent and abusive and have stopped it completely with consciousness. 
 
Our kids don't know anything about this because I make sure they are sleeping when we discuss about this. I don't want my kids to know about their father's betrayal even if I divorce. 
 
I'm unable to forgive as he, didn't confess, has made false promises, broken mistress rules and gave my place to her, I can't accept that she was better than me on bed. I'm unable to accept that I'm not as good as her and that has damaged my self confidence so much.
I will forgive him someday for sure but reconciliation remains a question mark. Should I continue to live with him for the sake of my innocent children or should I walk out this marriage. I need help.
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notemanj

This is a devastating, traumatic, painful thing to go through. You need to find a counselor for yourself first. You may also want to check out 

http://www.bloomforwomen.com

It is a website and forum for women with husbands who have a sex or porn addiction. There are many online classes you can take that are inexpensive and extremely helpful. Dr. Skinner is the leading authority on the trauma caused by a partners sex addiction. Check out his TED Talk on YouTube. 

Tim, Sharon and Jennifer are great. They can do counseling over the phone. 


There is another great website with years of videos on YouTube called Affair Recovery. 

Right now, your first priority is to take care of yourself and begin your healing process. It’s a long road with too many bumps. Self care is imperative so that you can continue to be a functioning human and mother. 

We are all here for you! Reach out whenever it feels like too much to hear alone. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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Cam28
I am soo sorry you are having to go through this.  I had my Easter ruined as well.  My D-Day is April 18, 2019.  This last year has been the most painful year of my life.  I believe that at this early stage, you are not able nor should you pressure yourself to make such a major decision.  My goal in life is to live with as few regrets as possible.  I chose to stay.  I figured that the right answer would eventually show itself to me.  Right now, your focus should be to heal yourself.  If he wants to rebuild, I suggest to you that you will always have the option to leave.  If you leave now, you may lose him forever and always wonder.  I know that you fear being hurt again.  Believe me, I get it.  If you stay and get hurt again and then chose to leave, then at least you won't wonder if you gave it your best shot.  You can leave at that time feeling more confident.   I am a christian so I relied heavily on God during this rough time.  I wish you the best during this traumatic time and may God bless you!
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triplehooks
What a horrific experience.  No one deserves to go through this kind of hell.  

This is an extreme circumstance.  This isn’t even a situation where someone got too close to a neighbor/coworker whatever and woke up and realized something.  This guy was starring in his own pornos.  Was his porn career part of your marriage contract?  That’s the kind of thing that need to be explicitly stated up front, before a person takes their vows.  If they decide unilaterally that it’s ok to do something that harmful without consulting you, they have just flagged themselves as people who act in bad faith.  While you don’t have to condemn them to hell, you don’t need to carry the burden of committing the REST of your life to them.  Married 15 years, ill guess you are no older than 45.  You mathematically have probably another 45 years to spend on this earth.  Do you want to spend it married to a porn star?

If his porn career doesn’t bother you as much as it would me, ok fine, but give him this simple test.  Mention calmly that you’ve accepted an invitation to a porn producer’s office and you’ll be auditioning for a role.  If he flips his lid he’s showing he doesn’t think it’s ok for you to do porn.  But if it was ok for him, why not for you?  What’s good for the goose...

I’m not actually suggesting you do that.  It’s more of a mental exercise.  It’s to point out how absurd this is.  

There isn’t a marriage to save here.  Marriage requires reciprocity.  He is not a person who practices reciprocity.  And based on the level of deceit and gaming here he is unlikely to ever be.  You THOUGHT you had a marriage, you were invested in your commitment and making a contribution toward the foundation of it, and behaving in good faith to protect it. 

But this b@stard was actively swinging an ax at the ROOT of your family tree.  

And “he can’t believe you can yell that much?”   Give me a break.  “I can’t believe you can shoot porn while saying you’re not f@cking anyone else! Me yelling that much is a NATURAL REACTION to you traumatizing me with this horrific secret you’ve been harboring and psochopathic behavior you’ve undertaken while married to me!”
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Keepabuzz
I’m not saying violence is ok, BUT I GET IT!  I get you slapping him. I don’t get him hitting you back. So he cheated, FOR YEARS, made videos of it, then HE is offended when you lash out verbally and physically?!?!  His head is way up his a$$!  I didn’t lay a hand on my wife, but man a came really close a couple of times in those early days. When she would get defensive, I was a hair from backhanding her. Before her confession, the thought of hitting any woman, much less my wife had never once crossed my mind.  I completely understand “crimes of passion”, now.  After what I have been put through by my wife, if I were ever on a jury where a woman killed her husband, or a man killed his wife or their AP’s after discovering their adultery, I would straight vote to not guilty, and there would be no one that could change my mind. Temporary insanity, go home I hope the rest of your life is peaceful.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BlindCheetah
Keepabuzz wrote:
I completely understand “crimes of passion”, now.  After what I have been put through by my wife, if I were ever on a jury where a woman killed her husband, or a man killed his wife or their AP’s after discovering their adultery, I would straight vote to not guilty, and there would be no one that could change my mind. Temporary insanity, go home I hope the rest of your life is peaceful.  


My dad was on that jury once. She got probation for shooting her husband at a church bingo game. 
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notemanj
Ok. I know that’s not funny. But somehow I find myself giggling a little, just the same. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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Keepabuzz


My dad was on that jury once. She got probation for shooting her husband at a church bingo game. 


As she should have. Good for him.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
It made me laugh too.  Except I did it out loud.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah
I know age was a factor, she was old enough they didn’t think she was a threat to anyone else. Jury was just there for sentencing, she plead guilty and there where a lot of witnesses.
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notemanj
Somehow it’s even funnier that it was at church BINGO! 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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BlindCheetah
notemanj wrote:
Somehow it’s even funnier that it was at church BINGO! 


I think I was in my early teens when it happened. I remember us all laughing then and that my dad gave very little detail. I can only imagine that it was hard at times not to have a giggling fit in court. I’ve always wondered why people cheat, don’t they know people get shot for stuff like that?
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BlindCheetah
I’ve managed to successfully thread jack a serious post.

@Corazon I don’t recommend shooting your husband, I’m pretty sure the prosecution would not let any of us on the jury anyway. That’s a horrible set of images to have stuck in your head. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
Corazon wrote:
I'm married for 15years and blessed with 2 lovely kids. He was everything to me. Very affectionate dad to his children. Will do anything for his children. I should mention that it was a perfect marriage until this Easter 2020. He watches porn without my consent and knowledge but I always end up finding out videos from his computer. I didn't like him doing that, I've told him that it hurts me but still he could not stop. This started from the beginning of our marriage. I still loved him and I knew he loved me a lot too so I let go. I started getting dreams of him with other woman for the past 3years. Recently this led me to check his computer and I found 40 sex videos of him and his affair partner on his computer. I couldn't breathe or feel anything inside me for several minutes when I discovered about his affair.
Our love life was regular. Had no problems on bed.
I've asked him if he was interested in anyone else other than me for sex and he has said NO.
I've asked if I was the only woman he has had sex with through out his life and he said YES.
A few times I've even asked him to have sex with another woman if he was attracted to someone else (but I said definitely not without condoms. Just to differenciate between wife and mistress.)
I regularly asked him these questions and asked him to promise me. He made false promises on GOD and my children to all of my questions.
Even though I don't want him to take another woman I still gave him this freedom only because I loved him so much and I didn't want him to end up choosing someone else over me but still he fooled me.
 
I am devasted. I'm unable to accept that he's been lying all the time. His affair has been going on for 5years (2015 - 2019). The videos constantly keeps playing in my mind. I'm shivering, crying and feeling a crushing pain in my heart. I'm having panic attacks during night. Unable to sleep or eat well. It's been more than a month now. I haven't changed a bit. I'm suffering. I've shut myself up. Feel dead.
 
He says that he has ended the affair last year because of guilt and regret. He feels sorry and is asking for my forgiveness. He had videoed for the first 3years, uploaded on his computer and had forgotten to delete. He says that he feels disgust when he thinks about his past. He calls it past already. He says that he tried to confess several times but didn't confess because he was afraid that I would leave him. I'm unable to believe anything he says because he didn't confess. He still gave me false promises even after I discovered the videos then admitted to it only after I showed him video proof. He says he enjoyed sexual pleasure from the other woman. He says he was addicted and couldn't stop. He assumed that I won't find, so he wanted to continue for sometime and then stop. He was confident and convinced that he could hide it from me. Actually true. I would not have found out because their contact was never through phone or emails. She was his colleague so they used work phone for chatting and to plan their meeting.
 
I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always ended up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times. To him, I have apologised for being violent and abusive and have stopped it completely with consciousness. 
 
Our kids don't know anything about this because I make sure they are sleeping when we discuss about this. I don't want my kids to know about their father's betrayal even if I divorce. 
 
I'm unable to forgive as he, didn't confess, has made false promises, broken mistress rules and gave my place to her, I can't accept that she was better than me on bed. I'm unable to accept that I'm not as good as her and that has damaged my self confidence so much.
I will forgive him someday for sure but reconciliation remains a question mark. Should I continue to live with him for the sake of my innocent children or should I walk out this marriage. I need help.


First - I am so sorry you are going through this.  I really can't imagine the level of trauma you experienced finding those videos.  Please be kind to yourself and as Notemanj said do not force yourself to do anything but take care of you right now - whatever than means.  For some that would be packing up their bags and leaving, for others that might mean forcing him to leave and for still others it might mean still living togther but nto really engaging with him while you give yourself a chance to catch your breath and decide what you want to do.  

There is no perfect answer - only the answer that feels right to YOU.

That being said - there were a number of things in your story that concerned me.  Even here, where none of the stories are good. 

1) You say he is an affectionate dad and would do anything for his kids. He may be affectionate and loving - but i would say that he isn't a good dad and he wouldn't do ANYTHING for his kids.  Because being faithful and respectful of their mother is one of the most important things he could have ever done for them.  And he didn't do it.  Protecting and safe-guarding the safety of their home (your marriage) was his JOB and he failed.  Miserably.

So I would say he may be a loving father - but he isn't necessarily a good one right now.  A good one knows right from wrong and shows his children how to act with integrity and honesty.  A good one shows his sons how to treat a wife with respect and their daughter's how they should expect to be treated.   He has failed spectacularly at all of those.  

2) His affair spanned FIVE YEARS?  That's a LOT of lying.  To do so in a convincing way when you were directly asking him questions is something I would have a very hard time overcoming.  That would require a lot of counseling and a lot of growth and change on his part to even consider. 

3) He says he felt bad and ended it, but "forgot" those movies were on his computer?  I call BS.  If he felt so bad and planned to never do it again and take it to his grave - he would have erased every single thing that reminded him of it or that you could find.  Maybe he did end it (I'd verify this and make sure nothing else has filled the void since then.) But I think he enjoyed reliving his "glory days" and that says there was/is a part of him that either doesn't think he was that wrong ("men are dogs and need to get theirs" or "she gave me permission") or he is truly addicted (see Notemanj's post.) Neither is great news for a peaceful future.  

4) Your being violent is completely understandable.  I don't condone it - but I also don't fault you for it.  The pain and anger is like nothing most of us have ever experienced.  Be careful though, in case you do divorce make sure he can't use your anger against you and paint you as unstable. 

I have a HUGE problem with him hitting you back. Utterly unacceptable.  His only acceptable reaction is to tell you that he needs to walk away until you can calm down to finish the conversation.  That is it.  Him hitting you back is never acceptable (unless he can't get away and it is self-defense).  In this case given that you were reacting in pain to his horrible actions?  Makes it even worse.

5) You said "Even though I don't want him to take another woman I still gave him this freedom only because I loved him so much and I didn't want him to end up choosing someone else over me but still he fooled me.  A few times I've even asked him to have sex with another woman if he was attracted to someone else (but I said definitely not without condoms. Just to differenciate between wife and mistress.)"

So, I guess I am confused by this statement.  If he was allowed to have sex with another woman/mistress, then are you upset that he didn't tell you?  Was that part of the agreement?  That if he took a mistress, he was supposed to tell you that he had? 

The part about not using a condom seems pretty clear.  You asked him that if he ever cheated to please do so and he didn't - repeatedly.  That seems like clear disrespect and entitlement.   

I may have misunderstood that he had your permission to sleep with someone else, but if you did tell him he could, as awful as it sounds - he may have thought he had your permission and was hiding it to protect your feelings - not because he thought he was doing something wrong.  

However, even if you did give him permission that doesn't give him a pass on lying when you directly asked him, not using a condom, or hitting you.  

Don't take my questions regarding "permission" to mean that my heart doesn't break for your pain.  Or that he shouldn't have known that it would hurt you whether you gave him "permission" or not.   Even if you did offer that permission, I assume you hoped he would never take it - and if he did - he would abide by your wishes about using condoms and not keep porno movies of his cheating on his computer.  So I can only imagine how badly you are hurting right now.  But I do think you need to have an honest exploration of whether you unintentionally gave him an option you didn't want him to take.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Experiencethedevine29
notemanj wrote:
Somehow it’s even funnier that it was at church BINGO! 



Thats what tickled me too Note...and I can’t stand bingo....😂

ETD 🌻
‘I will remember and recover. Not forgive and forget’
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