Thank you Kalmarjan for saying that. My H often says he too would like to run away than face the pain he's caused me and my family and friends that know. These people have loved him fiercely, including my brother who always said " he's the brother I've never had". My brother often said he models his relationship with his wife to our relationship. This has been a wake up call to those closest to me that know. They have never judged my husband and they know deep down the good man he is. My husband is so humbled by their love and acceptance for him in spite of the pain he's caused someone they love. I feel so lucky that I have a support system that loves me and is willing to see this through with me and continue to love my husband if that is the path I choose. I'm the lucky one to have such love in my life. I can so see how my husband doesn't want to face them- but he does....and I see the value in that. If I try to put the shoe on the other foot, I can see how I would want to run too. But the beauty in this ( if I can actually say beauty) is that people are forgiving, can try to understand and accept. We all have gone wrong in our lives.. Yes some worse than others, but we are all at the end of the day good people just trying to feel valued.
I'm almost 8 months post DD and I still struggle with forgiveness. My H has cut off contact from AP , we are working towards rebuilding our marriage but the pain of the A can hit me at any time and literally take the wind out of me. I hate what he did, I hate the lies. I am trying but I don't know if I'll ever forgive. I often wonder if I'd be better off on my own than face the hell of rebuilding with someone I thought would never do this. So hard!!!
I don't know if this means anything but I commend you for your courage to go forward and take a risk. From my end, it would be a lot easier to just walk away not face myself and what I did to my wife, and maybe live the fantasy with AP. I can understand a little of why it's so hard for you to stay in it and not just give up.
In a lot of respects I highly value my wife for just this. She is 10 x the person that I am, and you know what? I know that she feels like you do.
It is with gratitude that I move forward and work through this, because I know I'm the luckiest bastard alive that I actually have a second chance to make it right.
In your case, your WS is too. Believe me, I know this. First hand.