I am the BS and I am trying to work on fixing my marriage, forgiving and trusting my wife. She is trying to make amends for the affair. The place I am stuck is the impact the AP still has on her. There are many good things my wife is doing, but when I see the effect the AP still has and how he ilicits such strong emotions in her I start to question everything. I do appreciate the work and steps she is doing, but seems like 1 of those events (no matter how small) can erase 10 good things in my mind.I bring this up to her and am told I just focus on 1 negative and not all the positive things/actions. Am I normal?
I think you are amazingly 'normal'. Most of us in this community are probably experiencing this to some degree. My own personal experience is that my husband is still trying to sort out his feelings and at this point we are about 8 months in and are separated. He has told me in the past conversations that even if he came home he would never be able to forget about his AP, she would be constantly there because that is the depths of his feelings for her.
From what I've read somewhere, (where escapes me at the moment, might have even been one of Tim's little gems) I believe that if the WS can stick to the no contact rule, the feelings for the AP could eventually dissipate and be replaced by returning and growing feelings for the spouse. I'm sure someone will correct me if I've got that slightly wrong, but that's what I'm hoping for.
It sounds like your wife is doing all the right things, but that she too is struggling with the depths of her feelings, and that includes how she feels about her AP, and her own guilt and shame.
I haven't even got to the point yet where we get that chance to work on our marriage, but I'm under no illusions that it will be easy to build up trust again. The WS needs to be willing to be accountable and to work at earning your trust. I'm optimistic that will happen in our case too.
There are some great resources provided on here, loads of helpful information, and a brilliant group of people all willing to share experiences and provide support. Hope this helps a little.