AHMember44
Is it possible to forgive your spouse for an affair if they are having a hard time completely letting go of their AP because of how they were treated when it ended (my spouse wanted it to continue at the time of discovery,the AP is the one who walked away) ?
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Anna26
AHMember44 wrote:
I am the BS and I am trying to work on fixing my marriage, forgiving and trusting my wife. She is trying to make amends for the affair. The place I am stuck is the impact the AP still has on her. There are many good things my wife is doing, but when I see the effect the AP still has and how he ilicits such strong emotions in her I start to question everything. I do appreciate the work and steps she is doing, but seems like 1 of those events (no matter how small) can erase 10 good things in my mind.I bring this up to her and am told I just focus on 1 negative and not all the positive things/actions. Am I normal?



I think you are amazingly 'normal'.   Most of us in this community are probably experiencing this to some degree.  My own personal experience is that my husband is still trying to sort out his feelings and at this point we are about 8 months in and are separated.  He has told me in the past conversations that even if he came home he would never be able to forget about his AP, she would be constantly there because that is the depths of his feelings for her. 

From what I've read somewhere, (where escapes me at the moment, might have even been one of Tim's little gems) I believe that if the WS can stick to the no contact rule, the feelings for the AP could eventually dissipate and be replaced by returning and growing feelings for the spouse.  I'm sure someone will correct me if I've got that slightly wrong, but that's what I'm hoping for.
It sounds like your wife is doing all the right things, but that she too is struggling with the depths of her feelings, and that includes how she feels about her AP, and her own guilt and shame. 

I haven't even got to the point yet where we get that chance to work on our marriage, but I'm under no illusions that it will be easy to build up trust again.  The WS needs to be willing to be accountable and to work at earning your trust.  I'm optimistic that will happen in our case too.  

There are some great resources provided on here, loads of helpful information, and a brilliant group of people all willing to share experiences and provide support.  Hope this helps a little.
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AHMember44
Thanks Anna26. I thought I posted my original comment in the wrong "section" (I am new to these forums) so I moved it to a different forum
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Anna26
Yes, was a bit confused myself (doesn't take much though!)  I think people will just figure it out though!
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Anna26
AHMember44 wrote:
Is it possible to forgive your spouse for an affair if they are having a hard time completely letting go of their AP because of how they were treated when it ended (my spouse wanted it to continue at the time of discovery,the AP is the one who walked away) ?



Just another point, after a lot of deliberating on the part of my WS and his AP, she eventually decided to stay with her husband.  My husband still can't make his mind up, so, I think it can be quite a shock to the system when the AP decides to walk away.  I think my husband is still hoping deep down that it will all work out for them, but of course that isn't reality, and perhaps it's hard to accept reality again.

I think the forgiveness will come in time and you will know when you are at the point when you are ready to do so.
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AHMember44
I am being told repeatedly by her she has accepted it's over, and has for some, but I wonder if in her heart she has let him go 100% (thus the topic of my other thread). And that is where I'm stuck with the forgiveness & trust.
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Anna26
There is an ebook on here called 'looking for forgiveness' and also the topic 'what does forgiveness for infidelity look and feel like....  has some great conversations in it.  I don't know if you have managed to read any of these yet, but they may give you a little more clarity.

As to the 'letting go 100%, you don't say how long it's been for you since you found out, but I suspect letting go could differ for every individual and that some people really struggle with it.

There are members on here that are in a different situation to me and hopefully they can give you some different points of view too. [smile]
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AHMember44
I have downloaded some books, but not those. Thanks for the suggestion. DDay was almost 1 yr ago.
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