ThrivenotSurvive Show full post »
GuyInPain
Just a response to the question of how I would respond if my spouse cheated again: It would be very difficult for me to continue in the marriage.  We have made huge progress, and it's fair to say that both she and I are mostly healed.  Another adultery would so deeply call the healing into question that the level of distrust would be incompatible with continuing in marriage.  (My trust has never been 100% restored, nor do I think it ever will be – that's the price of cheating – but it's at a very manageable 90%.)  But here's a caveat: I've been resilient thus far, and maybe my reserves of resilience would carry me and us through.  However, there would have to be very strict ground rules going forward.  That said, all this feels pretty hypothetical, though, because she has so thoroughly repented and has such a horror of what she did that I am confident that further cheating will not happen again. 
Quote 1 0
ABCOneTwoThree
GuyInPain wrote:
Just a response to the question of how I would respond if my spouse cheated again: It would be very difficult for me to continue in the marriage.  We have made huge progress, and it's fair to say that both she and I are mostly healed.  Another adultery would so deeply call the healing into question that the level of distrust would be incompatible with continuing in marriage.  (My trust has never been 100% restored, nor do I think it ever will be – that's the price of cheating – but it's at a very manageable 90%.)  But here's a caveat: I've been resilient thus far, and maybe my reserves of resilience would carry me and us through.  However, there would have to be very strict ground rules going forward.  That said, all this feels pretty hypothetical, though, because she has so thoroughly repented and has such a horror of what she did that I am confident that further cheating will not happen again. 


This is an interesting read.
My two cents as a divorced BS that became the OW for someone else: there’s no way I’d stay with anyone that cheated/had an affair while in a committed relationship with me. I stayed with my ex husband through years of infidelity and regret it immensely, so my views may be based on that a bit. 
Having a first hand view at both sides, there’s just no way I’d ever trust that person again. The kind of malice, disregard, selfishness and downright evil that goes into lying to your partners face on a daily basis to keep up a double life is terrifying, and it’s not a quality I could live with in a partner anymore, not after what I’ve been through, and how I’ve been able to grow. 
I’m not in a relationship currently, but I do have a close friend that I spend a lot of time with, and we’re seeing each other at a snails pace currently. Even then, with no real mention of commitment, I let him know that if he needed or wanted to see other people that he was welcome to, I just wouldn’t keep seeing him, and wouldn’t pursue a relationship in the future. I never want to be in a position where I feel like I’m sharing someone again. 
The kind of person that would watch you suffer and grieve their infidelity, and then continue to be unfaithful in the future, is an unredeemable person. I know that person well, that’s not someone that deserves your love and trust. 

Of note - this post wasn’t directed at the person quoted, I just felt it was a good post to piggy back on the topic of staying with someone who has been unfaithful more than once. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
Quote 0 0
Firebird
Thank you for this, but I find this very, very difficult if not impossible to believe. I don't believe it will ever get better within this relationship. He had not one, but three chances and continued lying and deceiving for the last 5 months after DDay 1 in June. Even though he now again claims he is "DONE done", he has done too much irreparable damage. I have such deep-seated abandonment and betrayal issues anyway from childhood and feel I will never fully recover. He has re-wounded and violated me in the worst possible way he could.
Quote 0 0
Firebird

The kind of person that would watch you suffer and grieve their infidelity, and then continue to be unfaithful in the future, is an unredeemable person. I know that person well, that’s not someone that deserves your love and trust.  


This, This is why I'm leaving and not looking back this time, despite the fact we have two small children and I'm pregnant with a third. 
Quote 1 0
ThrivenotSurvive
I thoroughly agree with you.  I would not even attempt reconciliation if my husband was unfaithful again as I mentioned above when asked.  

I am very glad that you are getting away from a clearly toxic situation.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 1 0
notemanj

Thank you, Thrive! That was a really beautiful, well thought out letter. I see similarities and differences in our situations. I am still struggling with a lot of different pains and he is still struggling to grow. But he is struggling to grow. That’s why I am still here. 


Another affair? That would be a deal breaker for me. He helped me sink to such incredible lows (notice I said helped, some of it is my responsibility) that for him to do it again, would be intolerable. But, to those of you out there who have dealt with multiple affairs, recognize that this is how I feel. How I have grown to love myself. If you’re not there, there is no one that should pass judgment on you for your decisions. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
Quote 1 0
tobefree
Thank you so much, Thrive. I appreciate reading all of your posts, as they are very helpful for me. Today is 6 mths since dday 1 and I told myself that I will make today a good day by doing all that I want to so I can remember it as a fun and loving self-care day. I couldn't make past point 4 before needing to cry because I just feel overwhelmed with your courage and support. It has been so very difficult for me the last couple of months. I'm still struggling a lot but I will take your wisdom to heart and remember all the progress that I have been making and everything else that I need to and keep going. Thank you.
Quote 2 0
ThrivenotSurvive
tobefree - Thank you! 

And I appreciate you sharing your journey with us. I think it helps our members to see people at different junctures in their journey - their triumphs, their set-backs, the tools they find that work and the things that hold them back.  It makes us all feel less alone and helps us make sense of our own journeys.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 3 0