TimT
I'm writing a manual of important steps for betrayed spouses to take after learning about the affair. If you a personal example that helps illustrate this point, whether positive or negative, please post it here. Anyone can post here, but if you are a forum member (so I have access to your email) and your quote is used in the book, I'll send you a free copy once it's released.

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Did you (do you) understand the difference between saving yourself and saving your marriage? Did fear of losing your relationship cause you to make choices you regret? When can you have both (healthy you & intact marriage), and when do you have to choose one or the other?
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awaggoner1999

I believe I do. I realized immediately that I needed to focus on me, so that I wouldn't implode and reduce the trauma. Especially since I knew my spouse was (is) not in a place to help me. I started going to the gym, to mitigate the stress. I returned to church (which was over due) to provide me strength in my faith. I started reading voraciously to discover the breakdown and grasp how I could grow and learn from the insane events occurring in my life.
I am pragmatic by nature and took this on as a problem that could be solved (eventually). I focused on myself so as to not focus on my WH and how horrible his actions have actually been. 

My goal was to ensure I was in a mentally healthy place so that if my marriage is to survive, I can do it with both eyes wide open. I think Im definitely a work in progress...

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TimeToFly
awoggoner1999,

You sound like a very strong individual & I think you have done plenty of things to put yourself in a better place. It seems like you have covered a lot of areas (the gym, church, reading) & are making good progress. I think all too often when faced with an affair many of us neglect ourselves. I certainly didn't focus on any of my needs. In fact I'm still having a hard time doing that. I'm not sure why I've had so much trouble.

I hope whatever your outcome is you will continue to look after yourself & reach your goals. 
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awaggoner1999
Don't get me wrong...it is a challenge. But with those thing in place, it helps me to not obsess about my life's chaotic state. I am suffering , wishing for solace, and I keep pushing, because that is all I know. My mom used to a say you can cry and fall down, but it's what you do after that...You Get UP...dust off your a$$ and keep moving. This is me dusting off my behind, so to speak...but is still hard. Thanks...
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Gmann
At first it was all about my wife and marriage but as we started talking I saw more and more the issues I had with myself. She had been telling me for while but I never listened or even acknowledged that there could be anything wrong with me. I now see the effects of not being happy with me and not taking care of myself. I feel admission to having a problem is first step to healing so I am exploring options to help myself so that I can be the person my wife so deserves to help her heal and hopefully work on our marriage if she decides that she is willing to do so. I don't think she has forgiven me yet and maybe she can't until I begin to forgive myself. That is a constant battle in my head where as I don't feel like I deserve forgiveness from either. My actions are inexcusable for any reason but at least it has helped me see that I have several issues with myself that must be addressed before I can give everything to my wife and marriage.
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daisy
TimT wrote:


More About This Topic:
Did you (do you) understand the difference between saving yourself and saving your marriage? Did fear of losing your relationship cause you to make choices you regret? When can you have both (healthy you & intact marriage), and when do you have to choose one or the other?


The first few months, I took on full blame for the collapse of my marriage. I felt it was all my fault and that if I had done things differently, my husband would not have strayed. I was consumed by saving the idea of my marriage at all costs. I allowed him to "play" me while he was fooling around with the other woman, and then later experimenting with the single man lifestyle. I was afraid that if I set any boundaries with him, I would make him angry and push him away. I tried to handle everything by myself, not seeking support of friends and family, not exposing the affair (and basically covering for his misbehavior).

Once I started going to counseling, opened up to my family, and started educating myself on infidelity/affairs, I realized I need to take care of MYSELF. I began going to the gym, accepting invitations from friends and family to go out, started participating in recreational activities, and even went on a solo vacation. I realized I could only control myself, and I started to let go of trying to get my husband to reconcile.

I still made some mistakes, because when I started seeing signs of my husband being interested in me, I jumped to trying to reconcile, instead of setting conditions and expectations. I basically let him come back and asked for nothing in return. BIG MISTAKE.
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