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Bgreen said “I saw it like this: WH knows exactly what they said and did to each other, AP knows exactly what they said and did to each other. So I can either let it remain their shared dirty little secret, something special just between them, or I could be in on it and take that from them. I chose to take it away from them.”

I agree with that sentiment completely. My need to know is still there. Maybe if he had come clean right away I wouldn’t have been so hell bent on knowing every little thing. But seeing as he was still lying to me two years later, I knew I need the whole story. Of course, her lawsuit against me has made that even more necessary. But I would have felt the same without the suit. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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Keepabuzz wrote:
The Who came on to who question was never one that interested me. I just didn’t care. My wife is attractive, I always assumed men would come on to her from time to time. I am not bothered so much that this guy came on to her, I AM beyond bothered that she reciprocated, and moved forward.  

I asked every question under the sun, and many multiple times.  Many of those answers still haunt me, but I had to ask them or they would have driven me crazy. At some point, it just has no value. It will never make sense to someone that would never cheat.  There will never be an answer that justifies the damage done.  I am at the point of “it is what it is”. (Well, most of the time) I can’t change it, I can’t make it not happen. I am focusing on looking forward with my new reality. My new reality that I will never trust her, or anyone else fully ever again. My capacity for experiencing joy has been diminished. I think I will always have some level of walls up. A bit sad when I think about it. But i also feel like I was pretty dumb to blindly trust her (or anyone else) to begin with.  Like I lived in this world where everyone I had in my life had the same morals as I did. Had the same boundaries, etc. Sounds really dumb as I typed it out 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

i don’t think it’s dumb at all Keep.   I confess to having expectations that people will automatically reciprocate and behave in the same way with the same ethical code that I offer.  It can be shocking to discover that while we’ve allowed ourselves to blindly and unquestioningly have faith in our significants they’ve been less than equal in their ethics. 

I would think for many who feel the same way, it’s almost beyond any rationale... 

like you, I am not the same person I was before the proverbial hit the fan and I found out I was married to a shag nasty, but as far as himself is concerned, who I am now is what the f**ker turned me into so suck it up I say, or eff off. I’ll live with me just fine as I am thank you very much, no?

i wanted the ins and outs of a cats ass after dday, but I still don’t believe I’ll ever really ‘know’.. probably because  we don’t think the same way the wayward does.  At the time they’re selfish twats and we aren’t!

Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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Blessedby7 wrote:

And I've been fighting with myself also on wanting to know details. Who came onto who first?  And yeah, I want to know if the sex was better. I've been fighting hard to NOT ask these questions, but the more I resist, the more I want to know.  I think the fact that we NEVER talk about any of it is making it worse for me. 

for me, I eventually came to believe that I needed and deserved an answer to every one of my questions, and I got them. I certainly didn’t like the answers, some were better than my imagination some were worse, and some of those subjective answers will never completely sit well with me. But I do feel better for knowing. 

I can only only speak from my experience but we had many long conversations where I asked everything. I found I would go in circles asking the same thing over and over in different ways, so I started to write my questions down and have him answer in writing so when the questions came to my mind I could refer back to my book. Over time the questions have subsided because I feel like I know everything I need to know. 
Female, BS 2 years post DDay
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I think I pursued the details of my wife's emotional affair for two reasons in particular. First, I needed to know the overall character of their relationship and the details would answer the question, "What, exactly, are we talking about here?" My wife and her AP did not have sex - but the details would tell me how much of herself did she otherwise investment in him...and how much he in her. And the truth is, in an effort to suppress revealing embarrassing details, my wife inadvertently left me with a false impression of her emotional affair that was much worse than the truth - and, I believe, nearly put me in a hospital with a nervous breakdown. It wasn't until I searched her computer two weeks later and found emails between the two of them that provided the details that she was concealing that I began to pull back from the abyss.

The second reason details were needed was to answer a question that my WW didn't seem consider - oddly enough. The affair had been over for a year by DDay and my wife focused on working to assure me that she loved me and wanted to be with me. It doesn't seem to have occurred to her that one of the reasons I needed and wanted the details was to answer the other question: After this affair, do I want to be with her? The details will very much inform that consideration.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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