Trying2020

What does this term mean? I see/hear it a lot in the materials and posts, but don’t know what it means? 

I am overwhelmed most of the time (3 months since D-day: 3 most recent affairs spanning a year). Can you all help me understand the term, “flooding?” Thanks. 

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Keepabuzz
I can tell you what it means to me. This might not be the technical definition. For me flooding is when the emotions become uncontrollable and whatever I’m feeling inside comes pouring out without any ability to stop it. Sometimes, it was uncontrollable rage, sometimes it was uncontrollable crying.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
Keepabuzz how did you learn to control it.  I do all this reading but I can not get it under control.. it's been 3 years 
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
Keepabuzz how did you learn to control it.  I do all this reading but I can not get it under control.. it's been 3 years 


Its part of healing I think.  From what you have posted on here before, you still don’t have the truth of what happened, so you seem stuck because your husband isn’t coming clean and doing his part. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
I have given up hope of that ever happening.  And I have given up hope of working it out.  I just need to figure out how to function without all of the hurt and pain.  I have removed him from my home and have been remodeling to try to improve my hate of house.  But I'm still a mess
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
I have given up hope of that ever happening.  And I have given up hope of working it out.  I just need to figure out how to function without all of the hurt and pain.  I have removed him from my home and have been remodeling to try to improve my hate of house.  But I'm still a mess



Self care, self care, self care. You should get into see a therapist. Preferably one very experienced in Affair trauma and EMDR. It’s time to start healing now that he is gone. It’s time to start to build your new life. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive

I agree with Keepabuzz - a GOOD therapist trained in EMDR could really help.  But if you are an able to find one in your area or finances do not allow, I suggest reading the following books and using the things they suggest to help yourself:

Living and Loving After Betrayal - Steven Stosny, Phd.
Keeping the Brain in Mind - Shawn Carson and Melissa Tiers (this one is actually more intended to "train" counselors but lays out the important research and findings - and the PRACTICAL applications of them in a way even a layperson would easily understand.  

Both are extremely good and explain the science behind what is happening in your brain and body that are causing you to stay stuck and proven methods to disrupt the patterns and rewrite your brain.  I was already aware of a lot of the emerging science when my DD happened and once I was able
to pick myself up off the floor and think straight, I started to used these principles and techniques on myself.  I credit it, along with physical self care, to why I have been able to reclaim my life.  It LITERALLY saved me.  

If you find a good counselor (and I hope you do), you can use these techniques in tandem with what they are doing (they will likely be using versions of this with you.) They will be thrilled to see that you are taking an active approach to your healing.   I would SERIOUSLY consider phone sessions with Tim, Sharon or Jennifer as well.  While I believe counseling can be very powerful at times, I also think it can be frustrating and even damaging in cases where the therapist is working in an area they are VERY skilled in.  My PERSONAL experience has shown that VERY, VERY, VERY few therapists are skilled at handling post-affair work.  And even though you are moving on without your WS - you STILL have to overcome the very unique aspects of that level of trauma and betrayal.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Crushed
As I said I am working so hard to change so much about me  I go out with friends (girls), I am remodeling, in process of buying new car, and I have lost 75 pounds.  I just have to get my brain to cooperate and I know I will be fine.  But I am just so angry still.  I am taking your bloom for women online but I think I need a real human to talk to.   There isnt to much therepy around here, and the theripist I had before as I individual and the marriage one was not very helpful.  Made matters worse. I live in rural area but I am going to try to find a more competent one
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ThrivenotSurvive
Sorry I just realized that the pictures of the books I tried to attach aren't there, so I edited my post.  I believe both are critical.  Steven Stosny also released a new book “Soaring Above” that I believe has information that should be mandatory in schools and reinforces/expands on the information in these two books.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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