PhoenixRising Show full post »
PhoenixRising
I know and if I didn't care if he filed for divorce I would. But I feel like the longer I can just keep my cool with it, the greater chance they have to get sick of each other.
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Anna26
PhoenixRising wrote:
He pretty much claimed the condo as his and our last conversation switched so fast from we will "play it by ear" to "we are not allowed up there this week" that I was caught off guard. I know that if I say that he will reject that and most likely file for divorce immediately. So I am just "getting out of the way" so they can realize it is not a fairy tail fantasy life. Hopefully it is sooner than later. They have aready "broken up" once. But right now it seems as on as ever. And I am left to comfort my 4 year old when she says she wants daddy to come home and spend time with her. [frown]



If the condo is owned jointly it would feel very much like he were bringing her into your own home, talk about rubbing salt into the wound.
And children are affected so much by what is happening even when they don't know the truth. They pick up on atmosphere and like you say, your daughter just plain misses him.

My children are grown up and it even affects them, they still live with me and I see this. The BS is the one left holding the reins of family life, I feel I still have to be there providing emotional and pastoral support for them, not just about the A, but life in general. Something that your children will always need from you at some point or other and normally a joint duty, though Mum's tend to be better at this than others.

Ever get the feeling that the WS gets away with so much?

Stay strong, it could be just a matter of time, how much is anyone's guess and also depends on how much you time you want to give it.
I do think you are very wise to be kind of thinking "just let them get on with it" because they probably will whether it's in plain sight or its driven underground by ultimatums and demands.

Softly softly catchee monkey...
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TJmay112
Our situation is very similar - my husbands AP is 15 years older and married too. We have one little one who is 7 months. My Dday was in November 2015 two days before I gave birth. I've lost 50 pounds and I'm a mess... This past Memorial Day weekend he came home after camping with friends and when I had friends over and pretty much ignored him I think it set into motion him wanting to reconsider. He has gone back and fourth quite a bit. Even used the same line "I don't think we should have sex" (obviously being true to the AP...) anyway... We are trying to work things out. But what I thought I wanted 6 weeks ago is very different now. I'm struggling to keep myself engaged in this marriage and all the crazy things people said to me.... Well it's correct! I don't trust him. I don't know if I really even like him anymore. Six weeks ago a longed for his kiss and now I almost dread it. I want the kisses but I want to feel the way I felt when he gave them to me before. My husband and I were so in love and happy (at least I thought we were) his friends were always telling him great I was and how lucky he was. Our sex life was great, we never fought, we laughed and were silly. He was my best friend. But even now as I say that... I realize it's all one sided. I keep coming back to the things he's said and done. And for my situation... I'm pretty intelligent and hacked into his phone and iPad and I have read pretty much.... Everything. Knowing it all I have created my own living hell. I also struggle with the switch... He has said and done horrible things and now to have the ability to switch back be my happy husband, comes home afterwork to me and our son, kisses and hugs. How can you flip that switch. He told her he was in live they were planning on getting married and now here we are like it never happened? Two weeks postpardom he was leaving the house to meet her for dinner and at a hotel. I was hurting after delivery and Begging him not to leave that night (of course he said he was going to the cabin with his friends) I followed and confronted them... Anyway the point is... Even if you get what you think you want. This situation will haunt you FOREVER. In the "fog" that my husband was in a was in my own fog... Desperately trying to win him back and now that I have.... I just wonder if I really want that. Do I want a person who could so easily walk out on me when I needed him most? When I stood in our garage crying in pain from delivering our son weeks earlier and he drove away? This awful disregard for our son and his future and his right to have a happy family (because we were happy). To say there is resentment is an understatement. To say I'm happy would be a lie. I just sort of exist now. I don't feel anything when he kisses me... The butterflies have died. (And they were there for 14 years) I am angry, embarrassed, hurt, and I'll never ever trust him again. I think constantly how fun it would be to have my own place and decorate it... my mind is curious about online dating and going out and having fun. I want to trade in my "mom car" for something cute and fun... I'm ready for change. Change he forced me into. Once you get out of your own fog you might feel the same. It's not easy to go... But believe me it's not as easy to stay either. Once so much damage has been done... It will destroy you inside.
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Billybob8687
i have been really struggling these last few days.  Been very emotional.  I don't know what this is happening.  It just sucks
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Billybob8687
i have been really struggling these last few days.  Been very emotional.  I don't know why this is happening.  It just sucks
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PhoenixRising
I only know for me I have decided to surround myself with the possibility of reconciliation. I know our relationship will transformed into something it could have never been had we not been to hell and back. I know I have chosen the harder path for now. But it will not always be this way.

TJ if that is what YOU have decided you have that right! I wish you peace and happiness in either journey.

Billy, yes it does suck. One minute/hour/day at a time. It will be okay.
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Billybob8687
Phoenix, 
I have decided to stand for my marriage.  I do believe that my wife is gonna come back at some point.  It is just a struggle to not know what she is doing, how does she feel.  My daughter has very little to do with her.  I really believe that she is struggling because she is feeling the guilt/shame of what she has done and she realizes that she has broken our family.  But she is so prideful.  Then sometimes I wonder does she really understand what she has done to us because of all the blame shifting.  My faith has carried me this far.  It will continue to keep me strong.  
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PhoenixRising
Moved to my story page [smile]
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PhoenixRising
Moved to my story page.
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PhoenixRising
Moved to my story page.
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Negarcia
Phoenix
You are brave.... I can't believe you came face to face with the OW and you walked away.... I know the kids were with you but I would have told her to get her A** out of my house. I can relate to part of your story because dday for me was also the day after Christmas and my husband denied denied until I called the OW from his phone and she confirmed the affair. Good for you for holding it together for you and the kids. One thing I did was to stop forcing r all ungodly him on behalf of my kids. It's crazy because my husbabd also said he would always be there for the kids and I but he did this and forgot about us. He forgot about the kids and his responsibilities as a husband. Once I pretended to forget about him, he didn't know what to do with himself. I stopped answering his calls and kids stopped calling him. My husband also started coming up with stories on things that triggered him to make himself feel better and telling me things that all of a sudden made him unhappy that he hadn't reveled to me at all but now it was a problem.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this but know that you have a great support system here. You are doing great by focusing on you and the kids. The tough part is waiting to see if they will come out of the fog.
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lookingforward1
I very recently 10 days ago found out my partner has had a two year affair with what was a (friend). I had my suspicions but he denied these and said I was possessive \jealous and irrational. To top this off the biggest bombshell is they now have a 1 year old child. We have been together for 13 years with 3 lovely boys. He says it ended 5 months ago, but she has started threatening him to tell and that he would not see his son, so here we are!!! I knew something wasn't right and genuinely started to think it was me imagining things, the strangest sensation is overwhelming relief that I was right and wasn't going mad. I love him dearly and want to work things out but he doesn't believe that I can\will or want to move on after what he's done to me and our three boys so needs chance to think if he "wants to give us another chance"... That's the part that hurts the most.. Hes contemplating giving me another chance? So I haven't told family or friends as I'm waiting for his decision and its driving me stir crazy. What should I do?
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PhoenixRising
Oh boy. That's a good one too. You just can't make this stuff up. You will need to be unwavering in your commitment to being a good person and knowing that for yourself. I have found that to be my strength while the storm had been swirling around me. That is not to say you can not have emotions and reactions...just be very deliberate in your actions. I would also say don't tell family or friends at this point. It creates a barrier (for him and you) to reconciling if that is what you want to do.
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Graceandhope
Find one or two people that you *know* will support you, listen to you, and support whatever you decide. They will want to kill him, but if it's the right person they won't talk about it. Someone who will respond with we love you (both?) and want whatever you decide is best but will be able to support when you change your mind and change it back again.
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