AHmember59 Show full post »
was i being a narcissist when I was involved in the affair? you bet.  I was thinking only about myself and didn't even think about the effect of my actions on my wife and my family.  now i didn't look it up, but I believe that is pretty close to the definition of a narcissist - too self-involved to even be aware of others feelings.  I suppose you can balance that a little bit with an even more shameful (at least for me) quality to my affair.  I was actually malicious - I was angry, resentful, hurt, feeling entitled - so I think some of those feelings entered the mix and helped me justify.  The narcissistic piece maybe helped it go on longer - because I wasn't in touch w what should have been overwhelming guilt... I just didn't consider it... I considered me.
So that sucks... I really was a monster.
The good part, I don't think any WS on this site is a full-blown narcissist.  Just by virtue of the fact that you are here trying to understand what you have done - the damage you have caused, and trying to come to terms with it... all of those traits are counter to a narcissist.  I consider myself a recovering narcissist.
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Thank you for your posts.  I am just over two months (9 weeks) past DDay.  My husband is involved in an emotional affair (according to him, some physical contact, but no sex) with a co-worker.  When I discovered the affair, it had been going on for just 5 weeks.  He chose to continue the relationship, so I asked him to leave.  Friends have allowed him to stay at their house for 6 months.

I am doing far better now than the first month, but am really struggling with his emotions toward me.  He is very resentful, angry and bitter when we talk - which is limited to discussions about our boys (ages 4 & 7) and matter of life things.  Given the opportunity, he picks a fight with me or says things to set me off.  He twists my words and calls me “unstable” if I get upset.  All this behavior is polar opposite from the man I married.  I have a hard time dealing with it. 

My WS is rather inexperienced at romance.  When we married at age 30, I was only his second girlfriend.  We are now both 40 and have been married 10 years.  He is not a flirt, but I can see how he would be affected if a woman he considered attractive came on to him.  He recently lost some weight and I think was feeling more confident.  His affair began literally a week past his 40th birthday.  

The AP is a serial philanderer.  My husband is the third married man she has had an affair with in her 16-year marriage, with the previous one happening just a year ago.  She was sexually abused as a child and references it often on social media and other public forums.  It seems she uses it as an excuse, as my husband has said on more than one occasion, “If you knew all she has been through, you’d understand why she’s done the things she has done.”  Her husband is aware of this now third affair and wants a divorce.  She still lives at home with him and her children (boys, 12 & 15).
Yesterday, I had a text exchange with him in which I asked him to take our children to church while he is on an upcoming 5-day trip.  He took screenshots of my text messages and sent them to her.  I know this because he accidently sent to me a message and screenshot intended for her.  I struggle with this kind of continual betrayal, even for things like the texts (which were rather benign) – where he is sharing with this woman intimate details of our life and family, let alone being physically intimate with her.   
I feel like the drama of this situation excites her and is fueling their relationship to some degree.  I want to figure out a way to exit the drama.  I also need to better handle his negative and ugly attitude toward me.  I would be grateful for thoughts and suggestions on this.  He seems void of any sort of remorse or regret for what he has done to me, our children or our families, which I cannot fathom.  Does he really not care what he's done to me?  He also seems to have no thoughts to where he will live long-term, financial matters, the cost of lawyers or anything.  I am interested to hear from some of the former WS here as to his possible mindset.  Thank you all for your kindness.

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