Awakened Show full post »
Keepabuzz
I think all BS’s feel like the consolation prize. I think it’s natural, our WS’s actually chose someone else over us.  I have seen where some BS also feel like they “won” because their WS “chose” them once it came out. I certainly didn’t (and don’t) feel that way. What would I have won? A cheating wife?  If anyone one is the consolation prize, it’s the WS.  Who would “chose” a cheating spouse?  I told my wife on d-day that she had put me into a competition that I would never had entered willingly or knowingly. She (scrambling to keep me from leaving) said but I chose you! I quickly told her if I had know you what you were doing, you wouldn’t have had to make a decision, I would have made it for you. Then I told her to go get her stuff and move to her AP’s shìtty apartment with his 4 roommates. If anyone in the aftermath of infidelity “settles”, it’s certainly the BS. If we stay, we “settle”, for something that we would never have chosen. Not in a million years. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 2 0
Awakened
Big move forward.
WS Had sexting and a year later finally felt co
for enough tonight to say—I tricked your AP to give me info a year ago. Showed my wife his pic “ how’d  you get that?”
felt at ease to tell her. Now she has to “process” the info—BUSTED 
thats right , I was stupid but happyeRned how to putt—FU , now it’s your turn.
im ready to move forward but ok rw she had to know. When I did this she was noncommittal, my heart is hard, don’t know if I’m staying —I was desperate and said so. I need independent verification. 
This guy is no looker, not threatened.
Peace at last is in sight!
Quote 0 0
Awakened
Hi folks

this Fall will be coming upon 3 yrs since AF
Many areas have improved. I’m with different IC and we continue with CC

No more anger. Sadness. Grief. Loss of what I thought I had is still there. I finally got
her at this point to agree to give spontaneous info. Finally she gets that I can’t ask specific
questions about things I don’t know
i am still wondering with my changes and her changes is this the life I want??  Everything I read says “only you will know if you can stay”

BS for me, cause I don’t know. I get different answer each time I try to decide. So hard to see her do 15 things great and then my mind thinks “yeah, but you f me over , betrayed me, with a piece of sh-*t”
im torn and that is an understatement 
hoping this group can shed another perspective 
thanks for reading
Quote 1 0
ThrivenotSurvive
What currently keeps you there?  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 0 0
Awakened
Good question
ive done the pros and cons 
kids mostly grown, extended fam , parents with ailments
if no AF , these would be great rimes
what we’ve worked for 
I’m ready to just chuck it at times so I can be rid of living a lie, 
Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive
If you truly feel like you are living a lie, than you should probably leave.  That "trapped" feeling breeds resentment.  Resentment steals happiness. 

I remember reading a story about a woman once who'd husband confessed, did everything right, begged for forgiveness, made every effort to repair the marriage, etc... but no matter what he did, she just couldn't look at him the same.  After a bit she realized that he was like a "fish dropped on the floor".  If she dropped a hard candy on the floor she might pick it up and eat it - but if she dropped fish on the floor, no matter how clean that floor might be, she wasn't eating it.  Her husband was like that fish, no matter what he did, she couldn't look at him the same.  She didn't hate him, she believed he was sorry - but she just couldn't love him in the same way.  

You need to search your heart to see if you are like that woman.  If so, it is time to let go.  

I am similar to you in the fact that our daughter was grown and their were no major factors that held me in place.  But when trying to figure out what to do I realized that as I looked back on our lives together the vast majority had been really good.  Only the last 5-10 years had been unrelentingly hard.  And for all but the last two of those we'd clung to each other and our love as a means of getting through it.  But during those last two we had to live apart and not having each other to lean on made the hardships so much worse.  I knew I'd been lonely and tempted though I had not chosen to act on it. 

This meant two things to me.  One - I knew that he'd been there for me far more than he'd failed me in our lives together.  And there was some level of compassion in my heart of how and why he had made the choices he did, even as I was furious that he had not been stronger (like I had been.)  

These two things combined to make me willing to give him ONE chance.  We are four years out and I am very glad I stayed.  He's proven to me in every way that he is grateful for the opportunity I gave him.  We enjoy each other, laugh and love in a way that we did the first 15 years of our marriage.  But there is a protectiveness of each other and our marriage that wasn't there before.  We don't take it for granted.  I am glad that I didn't have to lose all that shared history.  

But had my husband not made the changes necessary for me to believe in him again, I'd have left - no doubt.  Live is too short to waste.  If you've given it your all and you just can't get past it, then it might be better for you both.  

A good exercise to do before you take that step is to consider what it'd feel like to not see her every day.  I would miss my husband terribly.  Would you miss her?  Or would it be a relief?  

If you ran into her with her new husband two years from now when visiting your kids, would that be no big deal? Or does it make your stomach tighten?  Do you want to visit your grandkids some day with her?  Or when you visualize that do you even see her in the picture?  

I think you need to try to unravel whether too much love died along the way... or whether you love her, but a part of you refuses to forgive her.  Right now you are sitting with one foot in and one foot out.  Maybe a trial separation would help you get clarity.    
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 0 0
Awakened
Thanks for your thoughtful reply
helpful to read from one who struggled similarly and got to higher ground
Didn’t think it would be this confusing still
Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive

it can be very confusing, for a very long time.  One thing to see is if it is becoming less uncertain gradually, or staying the same. 

For instance, I still have my moments where I lose my certainty for a short bit.  In the first 8 months there wasn’t ANY certainty, I was ready to leave every 3 seconds.  The next 12 months, I’d feel good for a bit and then my subconscious would say, “Stop relaxing, the other show is sure to drop soon” even though there were no signs anything was wrong.  But it was as if a part of me couldn’t trust that it was real.  I’d struggle with dreams, doubt, etc.  Then it would pass.  Then the calm periods starting getting longer and longer and the uncertain times shorter and shorter.  

Last year it was maybe 2-3 times for an afternoon or part of a day.  This year I’ve had one brief incident for a couple hours when he was stressed out and talked to me in a way that reminded me of how he’d treated me during the affair.  As soon as he saw my reaction and realized what he’d done, he apologized and stopped.  

Consider this - 

Are the periods of happiness and feeling good getting longer and the periods of uncertainty and fear getting shorter? Then you are making progress - it’s just taking longer than you’d hoped.  

If not, why?  Is your wife behaving in a way that isn’t gaining your trust? Or are you having a hard time not going back and constantly reminding yourself of what she did?  One is under her control - the other is something you have to work on internally. 

Just some things to think about.  Hope some of it helps. 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz

Awakened wrote:
Thanks for your thoughtful reply
helpful to read from one who struggled similarly and got to higher ground
Didn’t think it would be this confusing still



I’m more than 5 years out from d-day, and I still ask myself “the” question at times. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0
Awakened
So, we are approaching 3 yrs this Fall.
last night had a blow up 
18 yr old daughter  Ot getting it. I’m feeling so alone and misunderstood. I end up Levi Gand driving around d for a short bit. Parked and people call the cops me for ya gong out too long in their neighborhood. Police ask me if everything ok? I say yes 
tell me I’m not doing anything wrong but had to check since neighbors called.
came home, long talk—immwromg
for yelling after minutes of daughter interrupting me and wife sitting quiet .
told wife I never felt more alone 
Quote 0 0
Vanessa
Awakened - First virtual hugs
this so very much sucks

I am 4 and a half years out.  My WS was "conflicted" and after three "I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you" lies in as many months (he was communicating with AP within a week of each of those statements) I divorced him. 

MOST days my only regret is not kicking him to the curb either a) upon discovery of the affair or b) after the first time he restarted communicating with his AP.  Usually I allow myself to acknowledge that I am a slow learner and that I had to know that I had done everything I could to not throw away 20 years and my family's stability etc.   In truth I never really had the reconciling option because he did not stop all contact with his AP.

However, in this lockdown life, I occasionally am envious of them having someone to quarantine with.  But I know I am missing the life I thought I had, not the life I did have.  I want to quarantine with the man I believed him to be - being quarantined with a known liar who intentionally risked by health, stole from our family unit, lied to my face repeatedly and coldly plotted to abandon the family would NOT have been a good time. 

I just turned 60 - is it hard to be unexpectedly single at this stage of life?  YUP.  But I am living my authentic life.  I have fewer "friends" but those that are in my inner circle are my tribe.  I have done a bunch of therapy to work on my "stuff" and to own my faults and issues.  And I feel peace.

All of this is to say there are no easy answers.  If you divorce it is easy to think reconciling would have been less brutal, if you reconcile it is easy to think divorcing would have been less brutal.  There are no good options in this sh$t show - only less horrible ones. 

I wish you peace in this journey
Quote 3 0