Awakened
My wife had internet affair that escalated to sexting and live video sex with AP. Swears they were never actually together. DDay was about 6 months ago.
i was a mess at first. She was unsure if she wanted to stay.
weve been through counseling(indivisible and then couples which continues). Lots of positive changes.in some ways we are closer than before her affair.
but I am now stuck.
I have thoughts about them texting , sexting and just feel so hurt still. I don’t think I able to reconcile my concept of her as someone that daily betrayed me.
at first I wanted her badly to stay—clinging on after the bombshell news. I’ve made major changes, feel stronger in lots of ways. I’m stuck with do I really want to be with this person? Do I love her enough to fight through this continued pain? I don’t know and I am unsure how to find out. Counseling is helpful but only to a point. Well , just wondering if anyone feels this way and if any have some advice. Thanks for reading
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ALRUI
I for one wish the sexting (she says they didnt do video but there was an app on her phone for that) was all that went on but sadly there was sex involved. I believe no matter what the course of our relationships we WILL come out of this a stronger person & certainly more wary of fully trusting anyone ever again (whether thats a good or bad is yet to be seen).
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Vanessa
You certainly have every right to say, "my line in the sand is infidelity and you crossed it.  I'm done"  Only you can decide if you have enough shared history, etc to make it worth the fight.    Having an affair demonstrates such a profound lack of respect for the BS; I personally don't think that the fact that it was online diminishes the impact of an affair.
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Awakened
Thanks for replies.
this site has helped so much ; knowing that others are going through/ have gone through similar trauma has its own unique impact on me.
we were in 29th yr marriage when this all happened. We are doing much better. I’m still struggling with the now tarnished marriage . She can’t say “I’ve always loved you” and be truthful. She admits she didn’t know if we were going to stay together during the affair. 
Anyone else feel that just leaving , separation WITHOUT an affair , would have been hurtful but better?
it just hurts so bad that our marriage will forever be tainted 
any ideas to get beyond this pain would be appreciated 
I have couples and individual counseling soon—open to any ideas to bring up 
As always, thanks for reading 
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Heidi
My WH and I were together for 22 years when the affair happened. It took me a long time to accept that my marriage was tarnished, so I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I read a lot of books, did IC and soul searching, and a lot of talking with my husband about it.

The only way I came to terms with it was to accept our old marriage was dead. But I know I want a future relationship with my WH so we’ve created new ways of celebrating. Chosen a whole new day to commemorate every year, talked a lot about what we want our future relationship to look like.

We have two very perceptive teenagers at home (who know about the affair but really don’t need to be involved in our recovery) otherwise I think I’d remove my rings too.

I hated hearing it when I was newly betrayed but the two things that have really healed me were time and consistent behaviour from my WS. After 3 years of that, I came to accept what happened to me / us without feeling the pain I used to.
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Awakened
Thanks
Your post was encouraging to me. I feel less out of the norm at 7 months from d day with hearing resolution took 3 years. Still can feel somewhat conflicted and adrift even when the day before was good. Helps to read I’m not alone in that regard.
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surviving
Awakened - no, you are not alone!  I wish I was not in this, but here I am.  In September, we are FIVE years from DDay and still not reconciled.  We are at least better than roommates, but have a long way to go.  I guess when you are cheated on for over 34 years, reconciliation doesn't happen in a day!
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Trinity
As we have discussed here many times, the healing process is so much different for each person.  I am 13 months out and I surely still have good and bad days and the occasional hysteria and breakdown but those days are less and less and the pain is SO much less.  However, I too struggle with the tainted marriage and the black mark my husband will carry forever.  Here is how I continue to deal with those thoughts.

It is no secret to members here that I am Christian SO for me, when those thought pop up I continue to say to myself that...... That is between God and my husband and NOT between my husband and myself.  It IS one of the 10 commandments and actually in the top 5.  So again, it is something that does not involve me and I quickly shift my thoughts and release that.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Awakened
Yes, I have thought that same thing regarding my wife’s choice not mine ; her transgression not mine. I can now see she will have to struggle with that for a long time. But it still hurts to have a tarnished marriage . I think I’m still grieving the loss of that idea for marriage in general and mine in particular ——“through good times and bad” 
Im no saint but if you don’t draw the line here what do you stand for? Where do you draw the line? Should we even have a line ?
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Keepabuzz
Awakened wrote:
Yes, I have thought that same thing regarding my wife’s choice not mine ; her transgression not mine. I can now see she will have to struggle with that for a long time. But it still hurts to have a tarnished marriage . I think I’m still grieving the loss of that idea for marriage in general and mine in particular ——“through good times and bad” 
Im no saint but if you don’t draw the line here what do you stand for? Where do you draw the line? Should we even have a line ?



I struggled with this for a very long time. Honestly I STILL DO!  I’m over 3 years out. I view my old marriage as dead and gone. I try to view this marriage as a “new” marriage. Most of the time I can, but not always.  It is tainted, tarnished. My wife is tainted, and tarnished. Due to that, I’m jaded, untrusting, standoffish.  There is no changing that. 

I don’t look at marriage the same as I used to. How could you after such an assault. I don’t look at life in general the way I used to.  I don’t trust anyone, and I never will.  I’m always looking for others agendas, thier angles.  It sucks, but I know without a doubt that only one person in this world will always have my best interest at heart, and that is the guy in the mirror!  

Where do I draw the line? Infidelity. Yet here I am. I gave her a second chance she didn’t deserve for my kids. If I hadn’t had minor children, I would have been gone instantly, and she knows it. 

This “new” marriage has new rules. I am not here “for better or worse”. I’m only in for the better, I have already lived the worst. This marriage is going to be great, or over. My boundaries are crystal clear, and non-negotiable. The consequence for violating any of my boundaries is immediate filing for divorce. She doesn’t even need to actually betray me again. I told her that I will never listen to her over my gut again. My gut will always out rank her. I will not investigate, I will not dig. If I even think she is doing something, I’m gone. So she better make sure my gut never gets any bad vibes! My wife understands this clearly. She violated her vows, so there by released me from mine. I am married legally, but I have an exit plan ready if I ever need it. 

As far would I have preferred her to leave me and separate. YES!!! I told her exactly that. WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME?!?!?!  She said she still loved me [Insert HUGE EYEROLL]. I said you couldn’t have loved me and did what you did. She talked about be confused and stupid, I agreed that she was stupid. Then I answered my question for her.  I said “You didn’t leave me and go start a new relationship because you make minimum wage, and so does that piece of shìt you were screwing and you know d*mn well you can’t afford to have a lifestyle anywhere in the same galaxy as I provide without me. So you wanted to do whatever you wanted to do, treat me like shìt, and let me continue to do everything for the kids and the house, and financially fund your lifestyle!  That’s why you didn’t leave like someone with and ounce of integrity!” She swears that’s not why, but I didn’t believe her. 

At three years out, my “new” marriage is great. It really is. We never fight, we get along great, we communicate well. All good right?  Well except for this huge scar across my soul that still isn’t fully healed. Honestly, it wouldn’t be healed anymore than it is now if I had left her, likely not healed as much as it has. She has put in tons of difficult work to help me heal. The damage is done. At least she deserves to put up with my trust issues, my anxiety, my depression, my anger, my triggers. She knows exactly where I got them from. Would someone new want to put up with that? I wouldn’t, nor would I want to put anyone else through that. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Awakened
Thanks
it helps to read these posts from people further down the path. I am trying to get a better tap into my gut. One of my regrets is I didn’t see this occurring at the time. She was unhappy I knew and I know I contributed to her unhappiness. 
She began losing weight and I was worri d about her health. I pleaded with her to get tested and she went for tests, scans to rule out cancer. 
I feel like such a fool when I think about how oblivious I was. An affair just wasn’t on my radar.
i told her i couldn’t be more shocked if she had told me she abused one of our kids or had murdered someone—
id love to trust my gut but that sense is getting built . Trying to let the pendulum swing back from paranoia to something useful but not constantly jaded/suspicious. 
Daily prayer, meditation, reading, exercise , these blogs, and time are my toolbox 
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anthropoidape
Awakened wrote:

I feel like such a fool when I think about how oblivious I was. An affair just wasn’t on my radar.
 


I guarantee you I was a greater fool than you were. It was completely obvious. It was only my absolute conviction that her one stand-out best quality was her honesty. If she's had even the slightest history of being dishonest I would have seen it. But she looked me in the eye and said, "there's nobody else", "I have never had a friend like this, I really need this friendship", "I need you to go work in your office today because I need to focus on some work", "you need to ask your mother to never ever stop by without calling first, it makes me anxious", all kinds of stuff that is just incredibly obvious in retrospect. That only makes it worse. Like, I told me mother to stop dropping by. I told her my wife was working so could she look after our 4yo each Wednesday - actually my wife was not working, she was "stressed" and resting at home. So I actually got my mother to babysit so my wife could have sex with another man in my house, in my bed. 

For eighteen months.

So don't sweat it too much 🙂
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Awakened
Sorry for that pain
thanks for sharing
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anthropoidape
Not only that, but my profession has me dealing with and catching out liars all the time. And yet I was completely deceived. I now believe there must have been some actice unconscious denial on my part because some part of me must have known.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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ssix6pack
I would have expected my husband to have punched me straight in the face before he’d have cheated on me. And, he’s always been incredibly gentle with me, never a hint of abuse. I never would have thought he’d cheat on me. I was totally unaware he had poor boundaries when away. I didn’t know he was a people pleaser. I feel like a total fool. 
Betrayed female
Feb 10th husband had ONS
Feb 11th was d-day 
Heartbroken, but healing.
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