BrokenHearted
It's been almost 9 months since Dday, and while our relationship is getting better - I'm feeling stuck. I stayed with my CH after his 2 year affair with a mutual friend- and we have been working together to rebuild our marriage and life together. 

At first he was defensive and just wanted me to "get over it" but then he began to understand what he did, and how it affected our kids and hurt me. He is being pro-active when he sees that "look" on my face (which means I'm thinking about the affair etc.) and asks me what he can do to make things better. He shows me daily how much he loves me by all the "little" things he does (and the big stuff too).... but I'm feeling stuck. 

I have forgiven him but I cannot forget. Sometimes I am overcome with sadness and I just can't get past it. After reading the 4 stages of recovery- I believe I might be in stage 3/4.... but just can't seem to get past these bouts of sadness and feelings of despair. 

I'm also struggling to accept my "new" reality- that the man I love, an who promised to never do this to me (his ex-wife cheated on him) has done the one thing I never thought he would. To complicate things, I have done some major soul searching and discovered that every man in my life- throughout my life- has betrayed me/cheated on me. I often wonder what is wrong with ME that this keeps happening?

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how did you make it through?

Thank you
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stillme
Yes, I have absolutely experienced it and I am not 'through' with it yet. D-day was fifteen months ago. My husband is trying, but I don't feel like he is trying enough for the pain and trauma that he caused. My husband carried on with porn, webcam girls, and eventually even visited a prostitute. Those are things that just don't escape the mind quickly. However, the biggest issue that I have had to come to terms with is that I don't trust my husband. His ability to lie was shocking. When we met, dated, and all through our marriage he claimed to not even like porn and thought it exploited women. To find out he was living a double life was crushing. What was more crushing was living with someone that could look me in the eyes and lie with a straight face.
I have no energy to play the 'marriage police' and try to go through his emails and phone and all the things I did to discover his porn habit. I don't want to spend the rest of my life combing through the finances to see if he is spending money (he ended up spending a couple thousand dollars from our joint account on his habit). However, trusting him completely is what allowed his habit to escalate the way that it did. He readily admitted the only reason he stopped and got help was because I caught him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing his conscience. 
When I look at him, I no longer see the man I feel in love with. I see a liar, a cheater, a man that spent money that should have gone to his children's college funds on prostitutes and webcam girls. No matter what he says, I look at him and see a liar. A man that had sex with a prostitute then crawled back in bed with me as if nothing was wrong - potentially exposing me to diseases and since prostitution is illegal - he could have been arrested and hauled off to jail if there had been a raid. On top of that, some of the most exploited women in the world are prostitutes and the vast majority of women at massage parlors (where my husband went) are sex slaves. Women brought to the US illegally, had their identification, including passports taken away, and forced to work as prostitutes. Some are kidnapped as young girls and forced into drugs. My husband supported that business, I can't get that out of my mind. 
As far as what to do next or how to get through it, I can't provide any insight. Everyday I wonder if the best thing to do for the kids, him, and me is to divorce. I can was with certainty now that I will probably never trust him or respect him, 99.9% of the time I am nice to him - but I really lost all the respect I had for him on d-day and he hasn't really put in the work needed to gain it back. I am 100% unhappy with the marriage and I don't want my children to grow up thinking that a loveless marriage is honorable. I thought I was staying for the kids, but now I wonder if I should leave for them. 
My husband has done a lot. He went to counseling to deal with his porn addiction, changed his number, closed his old email accounts, even took a polygraph test and provided full disclosure. But, I just never wanted to be with someone who had such a horrid view of women. I can never respect someone to pay women dollars to perform sex acts like trained monkeys. I question his character and am beginning to think that at the most fundamental level, we are not compatible. For over a year I have been holding on to his 'potential', focusing on what he 'could have been' if he had just made different choices. But, when I think about what he did, who he is, who he would still be if I hadn't decided to play marriage police - I have zero feelings for that guy.
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Keepabuzz
BrokenHearted wrote:
It's been almost 9 months since Dday, and while our relationship is getting better - I'm feeling stuck. I stayed with my CH after his 2 year affair with a mutual friend- and we have been working together to rebuild our marriage and life together. 

At first he was defensive and just wanted me to "get over it" but then he began to understand what he did, and how it affected our kids and hurt me. He is being pro-active when he sees that "look" on my face (which means I'm thinking about the affair etc.) and asks me what he can do to make things better. He shows me daily how much he loves me by all the "little" things he does (and the big stuff too).... but I'm feeling stuck. 

I have forgiven him but I cannot forget. Sometimes I am overcome with sadness and I just can't get past it. After reading the 4 stages of recovery- I believe I might be in stage 3/4.... but just can't seem to get past these bouts of sadness and feelings of despair. 

I'm also struggling to accept my "new" reality- that the man I love, an who promised to never do this to me (his ex-wife cheated on him) has done the one thing I never thought he would. To complicate things, I have done some major soul searching and discovered that every man in my life- throughout my life- has betrayed me/cheated on me. I often wonder what is wrong with ME that this keeps happening?

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how did you make it through?

Thank you


I know that "stuck" feeling well.  I'm 2 years past d-day. I think you are doing GREAT!  I didn't really even begin to feel better until a year past d-day.  You are much further down the road at 9 months than I was at a year!  I know it feel like forever, but to feel like you are in the later stages of recovery in 9 months is pretty impressive. 

I was stuck in the rage stage for a very long time. I was stuck in the depression/sadness stage for a long time. I think we all get stuck at different places. I think I got stuck for a while at ALL the stages. Maybe I wasn't really stuck, maybe you aren't really stuck, maybe some stages or parts of some stages just take a lot longer than we think they should, or than we would like. 

I still have down/sad times. Over time the length of these times is less and less. The time between them gets longer and longer.  The new reality is still hard for me to accept at times, even though at over 2 years from d-day, it's not really "new" anymore.  Most of my days are good. It's been quite a while since I have had a bad "day". I have triggers still, but they don't effect me as strongly, or as long as they used too.  They used to pull me right down the rabbit hole. 

I think you are doing great, and it sounds like your husband is doing all he can to help you. Now you need time, and I know how hard it is.  You are still early in the process. 

You should read the book "How can I forgive you?"  I think it really helped me to get unstuck. I had forgiven my wife at about 6 months from d-day.  But after reading the book, I realized that I hadn't. I had told her I had forgiven her, and in my mind decided that I would, but this was cheap forgiveness.  I still strive for "true" forgiveness.

keep your head up. Look at all the positives.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BrokenHearted
Keepabuzz wrote:


I know that "stuck" feeling well.  I'm 2 years past d-day. I think you are doing GREAT!  I didn't really even begin to feel better until a year past d-day.  You are much further down the road at 9 months than I was at a year!  I know it feel like forever, but to feel like you are in the later stages of recovery in 9 months is pretty impressive. 

I was stuck in the rage stage for a very long time. I was stuck in the depression/sadness stage for a long time. I think we all get stuck at different places. I think I got stuck for a while at ALL the stages. Maybe I wasn't really stuck, maybe you aren't really stuck, maybe some stages or parts of some stages just take a lot longer than we think they should, or than we would like. 

I still have down/sad times. Over time the length of these times is less and less. The time between them gets longer and longer.  The new reality is still hard for me to accept at times, even though at over 2 years from d-day, it's not really "new" anymore.  Most of my days are good. It's been quite a while since I have had a bad "day". I have triggers still, but they don't effect me as strongly, or as long as they used too.  They used to pull me right down the rabbit hole. 

I think you are doing great, and it sounds like your husband is doing all he can to help you. Now you need time, and I know how hard it is.  You are still early in the process. 

You should read the book "How can I forgive you?"  I think it really helped me to get unstuck. I had forgiven my wife at about 6 months from d-day.  But after reading the book, I realized that I hadn't. I had told her I had forgiven her, and in my mind decided that I would, but this was cheap forgiveness.  I still strive for "true" forgiveness.

keep your head up. Look at all the positives.


Thank you for your words of encouragement. I was told by a friend, who went through a similar ordeal, that I should be healed at 8 months like her. Well those words ring in my ears, and make me feel like a failure because I feel stuck. But your words helps realize something I forgot.... that we all heal at different rates and there is no "right" or "wrong" way or timeline. 

Thank you!
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BrokenHearted
Also I will check out that book!
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anthropoidape
Eight months is not plausible no matter what anyone claims.

Maybe I could compartmentalise within 8 months if I wanted it all to explode again later. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Jennifer
You are doing great for 9 months. We tell clients that there is no "right" timeline and just because your friend was fine after 8 does not mean you should be too. (I also questions whether your friend is being honest with herself!). Everyone's story is so different and unique and that is why we can't predict when you should be "healed."

I agree with everything Keepabuzz said. It is normal to still have sadness and feelings of whether this was the best decision to stay. As long as you keep doing all the healthy things you can to recover then be patient with yourself and know this is journey you are on and it will take time.
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BrokenHearted
Jennifer wrote:
You are doing great for 9 months. We tell clients that there is no "right" timeline and just because your friend was fine after 8 does not mean you should be too. (I also questions whether your friend is being honest with herself!). Everyone's story is so different and unique and that is why we can't predict when you should be "healed."

I agree with everything Keepabuzz said. It is normal to still have sadness and feelings of whether this was the best decision to stay. As long as you keep doing all the healthy things you can to recover then be patient with yourself and know this is journey you are on and it will take time.


Thank you for that. I just want it to be done and work on our future, but i realize now that I still have some work to do. I've been thinking a lot about boundaries and that I need to set them. My CH and I have discussed it and set a date and time to be together to discuss them.  With our work schedules we have to have these scheduled for when we both have time...uninterupted time to do so.
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DorothyJane7
I struggle with this "stuck" feeling. Like a merry-go-round, it always comes back around. Days, or weeks might go by, but there I am again. It's been almost a year since Dday. My husband never wavered from that moment of me finding out. He trickle-truthed me a bit, but mostly about details that I hounded about. I think it took him awhile to reflect and figure out exactly what the hell was going on in his mind/heart to end up making these choices, though. 

Anyway, I read a bit a few weeks ago about mourning. Now I'm "stuck" again today, and dealing with anxiety to the extreme, all with no real trigger I can identify. I'm thinking that's what this is - mourning. I just miss the peace I had. The absence of turmoil and doubt. Triggers bring it to the forefront, but I think I'm just sad and missing what is dead. Even saying that is like a horrific, devastating knife in the heart, that our old bond is "DEAD." My husband argues against that, "It never really was." "I couldn't really imagine it or make the leap." "She didn't have all of me." etc. But it is gone, isn't it? Am I waiting for it to return when it won't? Gone.

What exactly? That understanding, commitment, total acceptance and safety, place-I-belong bond. It sounds corny. But it was real and it makes me so heart-heavy to think it meant so little to him. He strangled the life out of it with "I love you's" and "I have to see you" meetings, words, promises, seeing someone else as a "soul mate." Do I sound like an idealistic, romantic idiot with all this? 

This is what my mind does on mourning days. And, to make it worse, it's like mourning something no one else around me sees is gone. Hell, they really didn't ever know it - it was mine, ours. 

If this mourning is like the loss of a dear, loved one, it's got a life of its own. It comes when it wants to. Moves in and clouds your life. It goes away when it damn well pleases. 

Ugh. It's a bad day. A day when I hug my innocent toddler and thank God for the big things - health, time, sunshine, loved ones. I'm sorry to ramble. Sorry any of us have ever needed to visit this place.
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Jennifer
DorothyJane,

Thank you for being honest and up front with how you are feeling. That is the reality of the situation that the BS spouses are in. There are good days and bad. There is mourning and there is happiness. It is all part of the healing process. Take the time to mourn the life that was, take the time to figure out what is important to you moving forward, and know that this is not forever.

As more healing takes place more bad days will be replaced by good. The triggers fade and take some of the pain with it. There will come a time when you look back and can appreciate just how strong you had to be and how strong you are.

Hang in there!
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imogen
I feel for you I really do
the uncertainty of waking every morning to a new day of mistrust. Who is he really? Where is he going what is he doing who is he seeing.Its wearing , it damages you emotionally and long term this is not a healthy way to live.
look up somantic narcissist and see if it fits your partner/husband to give you some idea or knowledge of maybe who he really is.
But and this is really important,you need to get counselling for YOU. 
YOU are important and vulnerable right now because you were betrayed by the one person that should have had your back in life.Strenthen YOU have help and support for YOU.Maybe in time the future will be a lot clearer pathway  for you and you will feel in control and the future will TRULY feel like you made that choice whatever it is.
I empathise with you and I’m sending a virtual hug to you right now
did you feel that ?
the name of the game right now is YOU 
if you don’t look after YOU no one else will
i wish you well but more importantly I wish you strength 
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