SoUnUsual

I’m still struggling so hard dealing with my husband’s affair. I still cry pretty much every day, I have waves of rage wash over me that leave me feeling weak and sick to my stomach. I feel like I don’t know if I can do this anymore. It’s like the pain is so huge, and is lasting so long, I think it would be easier to move on and not have to see his face or talk to him everyday.

I know being a BS would be a huge blow to anyone, but I feel like my own low self esteem is making it SO hard to get over. I’ve always felt like I don’t “fit in” anywhere, but the one place I had a strong sense of belonging was in my marriage and now I don’t feel like I have that anymore. 

I don’t have friends I can talk to, I am in therapy which is helping a little bit but man I could really use a friend. 

 

Female BS - Together 21 years - 2 kids -  DDay February 16, 2020
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Skelling
I am so sorry. I can relate to the feeling of not fitting in and the marriage being that one place. My husband and I have been together for 21 years as well. It is horrible to have that taken away. It left me on my knees for months and months, feeling defeated and powerless, but slowly I started to work my way out of this hole. 

You are just starting your journey, so I thought it would help you a little to hear that it does get better. I had to work on myself A LOT, which seems hugely unfair but I promise, you will feel stronger and more confident as time goes on. I am at almost two years past dday and there are still days, when I struggle.

I won't lie the pain is still there, but less intense. The anger and rage got replaced by sadness with being a lot less frequent. I still sometimes wonder, if I had only walked in on their calls, if I had only checked the phone, if.....maybe I could have prevented or at least found out sooner. I still struggle with my self-esteem and I still struggle to trust. BUT and this is a huge but I have learned to trust the process. I learned to accept the bad days and trust that they are followed by good ones and that the bad ones get fewer and fewer. 

I know that at the beginning I could not see myself ever getting better or healing from this at all. Now at almost 2 years, I a still not healed but I don't have to attend to my wound daily anymore. First there will be short moments, when the affair won't be in the foreground, then it will be hours and then days, weeks. Wishing you all the best.
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Keepabuzz
SoUnUsual wrote:

I’m still struggling so hard dealing with my husband’s affair. I still cry pretty much every day, I have waves of rage wash over me that leave me feeling weak and sick to my stomach. I feel like I don’t know if I can do this anymore. It’s like the pain is so huge, and is lasting so long, I think it would be easier to move on and not have to see his face or talk to him everyday.

I know being a BS would be a huge blow to anyone, but I feel like my own low self esteem is making it SO hard to get over. I’ve always felt like I don’t “fit in” anywhere, but the one place I had a strong sense of belonging was in my marriage and now I don’t feel like I have that anymore. 

I don’t have friends I can talk to, I am in therapy which is helping a little bit but man I could really use a friend. 

 



I know how you feel.  Never belonged anywhere either. A child from multiple broken homes. No matter which parent I was with, I was baggage. Something that the new spouse had to “deal with”.  I went to 12 different schools before I graduated. Always the new kid. Never had time to develop long term friendships. My dream as a child was to have my own apartment, someplace that no one could make me leave. 

We were all equally worthless in the military. I did feel I fit there, but decide to get out after my first enlistment, mainly to make more money.  I missed that belonging.  Then I got married, and we had kids, and I belonged. Then years later my wife betrayed me in every way possible, and reminded me I didn’t belong  

Today I belong. I belong with my kids, and myself. Anything/anyone else is optional, and not truly needed  

 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Jen1111
I’m sorry that you are feeling like this. I’m having counselling too as I’m struggling with coming to terms with it. You are grieving the loss of the relationship that you knew. That’s ok and it will take time to heal. Please look after yourself and when you feel the waves of anger and overthinking coming on, maybe distract yourself, have a bath or go for a walk. I find that’s helping me so I hope that it helps you too
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Experiencethedevine29

I’m sorry that you’ve had to become part of a very wise collective who never expected to be here, but that  wisdom and experience will buoy you up while you attempt to navigate the fallout from this sh*t storm. As awful as the situation is dear girl, unfortunately you DO fit in here, and you DO have people you can rely on to support and understand you. It might be remote but it’s real, and my goodness, we’ve all needed understanding haven’t we?  As sad as it is, we’re a jolly good club when you need it!

It is indeed difficult for many to find support and comfort outside of this traumatic event aside from therapy. Mostly because, people tend to make instantaneous appraisals with limited knowledge. If you’re lucky enough to have a very close friend you can trust implicitly, it can make an enormous difference, but even then, your faith and trust in humanity has been so profoundly damaged that it may not be enough.

if there’s nobody to talk to, we look inward for resolution, and that comes with its own obvious pitfalls.

As already mentioned, you are suffering fresh wounds still bleeding, and for now, the most important thing you can do is actively take care of YOURSELF.  Never mind what the twat is doing, his level of importance is f*ck all at the minute. He’s had his cake and eaten it too. W⚓️...😡

Keep in mind that this trauma sets off a chain of psychological and physiological events. The process of which is inevitable and as individual as we are, and each of us will go through them differently, back and forth and revisiting  some several times perhaps, but go through them all we must to reach our own state of resignation. That does NOT automatically mean forgiveness or acceptance. 

Be patient with yourself, you are in the early stages of grieving for a marriage you believed was whole, and I’m afraid that no longer exists. That doesn’t mean you can’t build a new one, but that is entirely dependent on the dick head and what he DOES to show you he is worthy of keeping, not what he says. His words mean nothing at the moment unless backed up by very real actions, and sustained culpability. 

You don’t have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, or next year. You may decide it’s not worth it, or you may rebuild a stronger and better relationship. Those are always your choices to make.

The monumental thing to remember, and in doing so protect your sanity and what’s left of your self esteem while you make tiny steps to rebuild YOU is that there is absolutely no way on Gods green earth that ANY of this is your fault. We all go through tough times in our marriages, but shagging somebody else outside of it to problem solve is not the answer, and the twat who chooses to do it and their selfish CHOICE takes full responsibility no matter what effing horse manure they spew.

Tomorrow is another day my lovely, chin up.


ETD 🌻

‘I will remember and recover. Not forgive and forget’
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hurting
I remember these feelings you are writing about. They could have been my words. Drowning in a sea of pain... never knowing when it will rise up and completely suffocate you, even as you desperately try to not go under. The rage, the pain, the tears, the screaming... it’s terrifying and soul wrenching. It’s exhausting. I cried almost every day too for maybe a year.

Know this: It can and it will get better. You will slowly improve, though it will take time. I believe this can happen with or without your WS. 

All of us here understand and know what you are going through. 

You can choose to leave. That is entirely your right and your choice. But do not put pressure on yourself to choose. I think that too, is important. You do not have to choose straight away. You can just decide to reassess in a week. Or a month. Or 6 months. Staying put right now does not mean you are committed to staying forever. You can give yourself time if you need to. 

I never thought I could heal from what was done to me. Yet here I am... the rage has subsided. The pain sometimes comes, but is rare. Even sadness is unusual for me now without some serious trigger coupled with other factors (like PMS). It’s possible to get better. 
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