PaperWalls
I'm feeling guilty every time I tell my WS that I love her, want to be with her, or kiss and hold her. I feel like I'm leading her on because I'm still not 100% that I'm going to stick this out. I know that I do really still love her and in some ways I feel closer to her now than I have in a couple of years. I would be with her forever if this had never happened, no question about it. 

But it has happened and there's no going back. I don't know if I will ever be able to move past it enough to be happy, and if I can, right now I don't feel I want a relationship where this is part of the story. 

When we are together I want nothing more to hold her and spend time in the moment with her, but when I'm alone I'm researching apartments and thinking about moving on. 

I feel awful when she is doing almost everything she should be and I still don't feel like I'm going to make it. I hate that I can see how much she loves me and wants us to work and then she goes to bed and I'm picking out what I would take if I leave. I miss he feeling of security and safety that's been replaced by so much doubt. 

I feel guilty knowing that she can think everything is going well in the future and I know that I may completely blindside her by deciding to leave in a few months.
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anthropoidape
This is totally normal. It would be irrational not to be thinking through all the possible pathways. As time goes by your commitment will fade or get stronger.

I don't think it is dishonest if all you are doing is reassuring your justifiably unsettled inner self that there are many ways your future can be okay. In these early days you could not possibly be unequivocal and unwavering. 

If you were actively hiding money and signing a lease on a bachelor pad, that would be dishonest. If you have private doubts for the time being that is legit. 

For what it is worth that feeling that you just can't do it hit me a lot. Less and less with time though... It is more about how to do it now rather than whether to do it. But still a rollercoaster. 

And realistically the way you are doing it gives the best chance to her. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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minnie16
 This is exactly the way I feel also. Except, I don’t really feel too guilty about it. After being betrayed, I don’t feel that I owe him 200 percent honesty. My husband is doing all the right things, and is even planning an Alaskan cruise for us.
I feel happy when I’m with him, but not secure like I used to. When I’m alone, I look online for jobs that would Take me to another city.
I spoke with my therapist about this just this past week and she said it’s very normal for someone in my position to want a plan A,B, and C,. I know that part of me isn’t sure I can do this..
i only worry that I will “settle” when I’d really be happier in a new life. Or, maybe I can move past this and be happy with him.. too soon to know. 
Thank you for your post, I’m glad I’m not the only person feeling this way. Hang in there!


D day June, 2016
ws affair: 18 months sexual affair plus 2 years emotional affair after. Ow 20 yrs old; WS 60
live in Texas
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PaperWalls
anthropoidape wrote:

For what it is worth that feeling that you just can't do it hit me a lot. Less and less with time though... It is more about how to do it now rather than whether to do it. But still a rollercoaster.


This would be enough to help me carry on. I truly want to get to that point. I think a big part is that I'm just tired. I'm so tired emotionally. I don't think I've ever spent so much time obsessing over one thing, let alone something I can't solve or control. I don't know how many times I've wondered what state of mind I'd be in if I left the day I found out.

minnie16 wrote:
I only worry that I will “settle” when I’d really be happier in a new life. Or, maybe I can move past this and be happy with him.. too soon to know.


I think this is part of it too. I could absolutely see myself convincing me that everything is fine and trying to stay because I want to, even if it's not for the best.

I read someone's post on here about how they are happy now after several years, but they are still remind daily of what happened. I know that I don't want that and I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I'm also afraid of investing the time to find out how this all turn out in the future. 

Paraphrasing how someone else on here put it, and I'm sure they will know who they are when they undoubtedly read this, I'm not going to settle for just ok. We have to be happier better then we were before or it's not going to be worth it. 
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anthropoidape
I know exactly what you mean and I have the same thoughts, pretty much to the letter. 

I personally think I can end up in a better marriage with my wife from here, but that's partly based on our long history and my belief that things were already not great before she started the affair, and just some general stuff about her and me. In short I believe that if we pull closer from here we can be closer than ever. Over time you will have more confidence in her remorse and trustworthiness. At the moment you are still in shock apart from anything else. 

But if I believed otherwise... not worth it. I don't want to be in it if they it is still a regular thing I have to deal with. 

Then again, I think it can probably sink to the level of just another ex. I never think about my wife's previous ex, even for a second. So I figure this can probably be much the same eventually. 

As for the tiredness. Hell yes. You are not alone there either. It is absolutely exhausting and at times I simply decided to let it all slide and just try to have good days, even if I felt like I was totally faking it. Almost fake politeness, except that it is not exactly fake so much as it is a genuine veneer over the top of a lot of anguish. It's just a suggestion but simply focusing on not having any flare-ups for a few days, being nice, in a sense acting as you would if it had never happened or if you had agreed to split up and were just being civil and nice, can get you some emotional rest. 

My gut feeling is that as long as she is currently being genuine, you are probably going to be feeling a whole lot better in a few months, though that of course will still be early in the journey. In the meantime it is probably better to pick at the scab a bit less, if that makes sense. Let it heal for a while by leaving it alone.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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PaperWalls
I think I may eventually be able to get to the point where I could almost see him in the same was as one of her ex's, but the sex isn't the major offense. As I'm sure you know too, it's the betrayal, deceit, and lies.

A large part of this is the pain is magnified by the fact that all 3 of us work together in the same office. We've both been trying to find other places of employment but nothing has panned out so far. So every workday I go in and have to face him. And every day I have to sit by and watch while they talk. Even though she is doing everything she can to keep their conversations professional and work related it's still like a knife in the gut every time. That feeling of pain and anger and doubt build up all day long until I take it home with me.
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anthropoidape
Being in the same office would be incredibly hard. I hope there's a way you can get out of there soon.

If your wife were just to quit could you afford it? 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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PaperWalls
No. Unfortunately we both need to be working.
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anthropoidape
If that is the case then you are kind of stuck anyway. You could split with your wife and workdays would be even worse. So purely pragmatically you might as well keep trying. 

I found encounters with the AP irritating to say the least and they were less frequent than yours. We moved suburbs and although that was more because my wife needed it, it helped me a lot as well. More than I expected in fact. I now believe that even pretty drastic steps to start fresh are worth considering. Moving interstate, a new town, whatever. All worth considering even if that throws past career and life plans into disarray. 

Anyway. I think you can safely say that your current situation is as bad as it gets and it's all up from here. Get through this in one piece and you will know there will not be much that life can throw at you that you can't survive.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
I know the “tiredness” well. It does get easier. I found a quote in the early days for me that really captured it.


“When sleep doesn’t help, its your soul that is tired.”

I felt that was for a very long time. 


I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever get to where her affair is just another ex, because it was so much more than that. It was lies, deceit, cruelty, dishonesty. I am rather working on acceptance. I have to accept that it happened, and accept that it could happen again. I have my plan B & C, I will always keep those plans. They are for my safety. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BorealJ
Keepabuzz wrote:
I have my plan B & C, I will always keep those plans. They are for my safety. 

Should the plan B and C be a secret? If plan A is to love the best you can and to let them know you are doing everything you can to work on rebuilding the relationship, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Nor should you feel guilty about expressing your fear of being vulnerable and being worried about what will happen if you can't make the relationship work. Your spouse would have to understand that that is a normal fear for someone who has experienced what you have. Letting them know plan B and C might help them to understand that you do have alternatives but are acting and giving your efforts towards plan A... to love them and work on repairing the relationship. Also, plan B and C in many cases would be difficult to make unilaterally. In my case there are kids involved, the house etc. If you make plans that are unrealistic or don't include your spouse's point of view, you may just end up in legal battles which doesn't provide the clarity at the end of the tunnel that would give you the ease of mind that your plan is solid.  It might be good to consult jurisdictional family law documents to decide what is the most likely legal scenario and base your plans on that with a focus on fairness rather than spitefulness. I think you might need to know what your spouse's hangups about your plan B might be so you can address whether or not they can affect it.  Having that clarity that your alternate plans are viable and will provide you with the stability you need might allow you to put the doubt and worry of "what will I ever do..." behind you so that you can focus your effort and energy on plan A. Sharing your alternate plans with your spouse might help with another piece of advice that was given to me in another topic that you must focus the question in your spouse's mind from "whether they want to stay married to you, to whether they want to lose you". It might help them with the resolve on their end. 
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Keepabuzz
I have not discussed my plan B & C with my wife.  Those plans are for me, and my safety and do not involve her, with the exception of the logistics of divorce. I have consulted with a divorce attorney, back in the very early days after d-day. The state that I live in does not allow a WS to even request spousal support. Of course there would still be the children, and the liquidation of the marital assets.  I am the bread winner, so even though it would be tough financially, I would recover, and be ok after a while. 

My desire is to make my plan A work, and so far it has, and I’m pretty confident that it will long term. Although we as BS’s now that nothing is guaranteed, nothing is certain.  So I will keep my backup plans.  

My wife doesn't know my plans in detail, nor does she need to.  She does know if she doesn’t treat me well, or if I even get a sense that her past behavior is happening again, I will immediately divorce her. What I do after that is none of her business. My plan B & C are for a life without her, I see no need or obligation to share them with her. 

I would not be surprised to find out that my wife likely has a plan B as well, it just makes sense. What if I just walk? She will have to figure out how to make it. I know she had one in the early days, at least short term.  She had already arranged to stay with a friend, as she was fairly sure I was going to throw her out. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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blythespirit
I suppose I understand the need to have a "back up" plan, but I found that sitting on the fence for me caused more anguish and pain than it did comfort.  Once I got off the fence and took leaving my marriage off the table, it brought me a greater sense of calm.  Strangely, even though he had his affair, and continued to profess doubt about our marriage, my WS nonetheless panicked when I would threaten divorce, or to leave him.  Despite the fact that he individually would be much better off financially than me.  The panic created an even greater divide between us, and served as validation of his early belief that there was no way to fix us.  I'm not saying I became a doormat, or tolerated his abusive behavior.  He moved out because he couldn't be a good man at that point.  But I continued to function under the belief that the good man I knew would come back, and I kept the family ship afloat while I waited to see the changes in him that had to happen.  I made my own changes as well, and as I did that, his responses to me became healthier and the fog began to lift.  

I do understand that mine is not an approach that would work for everyone.  
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Keepabuzz
I rarely think of my Plan B or C anymore. I thought about them very often in the early days. The days when I was only here because of my kids. I am now fully committed to my marriage, but I am also fully aware that I don’t have full control of it. I have the plans so that I am safe, it’s like my own version of self care. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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PaperWalls
I have a plans in place too, but mine are no secret. We've actually sat down and outlined how things would go depending on the situation if it doesn't work out. She may now know every detail but it's enough that we both have a general idea of how things will play out. All things considered for us to separate would be fairly easy with only the house and a few cats to worry about. I think that is what's making me question if I really want to stay.

We have gotten to the point where if we separate we could remain civil and possibly even friends and that was the first major goal I set. I didn't want to come out of this hating her.

The few days since I've started this topic I have really focused on that friendship that we used to have and I feel like we lost along the way instead of our romantic relationship. It has really changed how I feel. Our friendship is feeling stronger and better every day. I still love her and will continue to try and stay with her. I think I was looking at this wrong and was chasing the feeling of love and security that I had, along with the fact that there was no doubt that I needed her in my life. 

The new realization that I don't really need her, and she doesn't really need me, but we are choosing to be together, is something that has to be adjusted to. Hopefully with time the feelings of love and true desire to be together without question can grow back out of the renewed friendship.
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