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azqueenofhearts
Negarcia,
I am not sure if you ever seen of my posts before. But I did get revenge on the OW. I slept with her H. And it didn't make me feel any better. That's finally when she called me to apologize. But her apology meant nothing. She slept with my H. And now my world had been turned up side down. My H dropped her quickly when I found out but it was fizzing out anyways since they had sex in a parking lot before she moved. And according to my H and the OW they flirted casually at work for 3 months and then 2 weeks before she moved out of state with her H it got intense with the flirting. So much that they finally had physical contact the day before she moved which led to them having sex. After he asked she leave him alone. But she continued and than it became a emotional affair if even that. I saw the messages. Very random and my H didn't respond for days. You could tell he was bored. Still though it continued.

By the time I found out I told her H via social media messaging. He was nice and apologetic that his wife took their problems to my marriage. One thing lead to another in our odd new friendship and he called me gorgeous. So I offered an affair of our own if he returned to the state. Based on my pics alone since we never knew each other prior and he drove back 14 hours to see me. And dragged her and their kid with them telling them he just wanted to visit family suddenly. She was happy and sadly when she found out she was hurt that the trip was for me.

I had my revenge but I was still lost and hurt so it didn't help. In a weird way him calling me sexy, beautiful and gorgeous fed my own destroyed ego. Even though his wife is not hideous she is not someone I would look at twice. And as her H & my H told me she wasn't anything grand. And I was shocked my H chose her. Though he said it wasn't like that. She fed his ego and gave him attention without any effort on his part. Anyways, I'm getting side tracked. What I want to say is I really wish I was more like Dirazz In this forum. And many others.

I wish I should have realized my H chose me. And even when I found out and the OW kept trying to contact him he stuck to the NC rule. He has been really trying. My pain and hurt is what's in the way. I wish I had this forum prior to my own revenge. I wish I took the higher road and didn't give the Ow a second thought to even want to crush her. :/
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Negarcia
azqueenofhearts wrote:
Negarcia,
I am not sure if you ever seen of my posts before. But I did get revenge on the OW. I slept with her H. And it didn't make me feel any better. That's finally when she called me to apologize. But her apology meant nothing. She slept with my H. And now my world had been turned up side down. My H dropped her quickly when I found out but it was fizzing out anyways since they had sex in a parking lot before she moved. And according to my H and the OW they flirted casually at work for 3 months and then 2 weeks before she moved out of state with her H it got intense with the flirting. So much that they finally had physical contact the day before she moved which led to them having sex. After he asked she leave him alone. But she continued and than it became a emotional affair if even that. I saw the messages. Very random and my H didn't respond for days. You could tell he was bored. Still though it continued.

By the time I found out I told her H via social media messaging. He was nice and apologetic that his wife took their problems to my marriage. One thing lead to another in our odd new friendship and he called me gorgeous. So I offered an affair of our own if he returned to the state. Based on my pics alone since we never knew each other prior and he drove back 14 hours to see me. And dragged her and their kid with them telling them he just wanted to visit family suddenly. She was happy and sadly when she found out she was hurt that the trip was for me.

I had my revenge but I was still lost and hurt so it didn't help. In a weird way him calling sexy, beautiful and gorgeous fed my own destroyed ego. Even though his wife is not hideous she is not someone I would look at twice. And I was shocked my H chose her. Anyways, I wish I was more like Dirazz In this forum.

I wish I should have realized my H chose me. And even when I found out and the OW kept trying to contact him he stuck to the NC rule. He has been really trying. My pain and hurt is what's in the way. I wish I had this forum prior to my own revenge. I wish I took the higher road and didn't give the Ow a second thought to even want to crush her. :/


I did see your posts but my revenge was focused more on the part of the husband leaving to live with her and then pretty much seducing them back if it makes sense? Not like it would work if they are in the fog but you never know. That might hurt the OW. I don't know if I could ever cheat to retaliate but I have has opportunities plenty of times sober and drunk and have always been loyal. My husbands OW is also delusional but it's based on the lies my husband told her. According to her I got pregnant on purpose to keep him and pretty much raped him lol I find that one comical, I was on BC and because in was on antibiotics I even took the day after pill but none of it worked. When God has a plan it just happens. I. Her mind my husband told her he was in the process of divorcing me but I had no idea and who knows what else he told her but she is mean and they are a till continuing thier affair. My husband works out of town near her but he has lied to many people and involved many people in his lies. It takes time to heal but I'm doing it alone for me and the 3 kids and the one on the way. I don't know if he will ever come around but in the end Karma will get them both, although I know my husband has deeper issues that never included her. Even though he claims she makes him happy I know it's unsure because he has resorted to using some hardcore drugs and drinking to forget his pains. I have told him if someone makes you happy there is no need to do that as the high of being in love will do that alone. He is so fogged that he doesn't understand or know what he is doing. In one of my previous posts I expressed how I thanked him for loving me genuinely with out the lies and fakness. I also thanked him for making me a stronger person.

The healing takes time but I think to myself, would I want him back? Would I let him off easy? I love him with all my heart and take my vows seriously but he needs to get help for himself before I fully let him back in, that is if he stops the affair and doesn't file for divorce, like he has said he wants.

I think we over think things to much but that has to do with our own insecurities but are brought on more by the trauma we have been put through.

This board has helped me in the healing process and so glad to have the perspective from all the members.
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Dirazz
azqueenofhearts, it took me a while to get where I am now. Stop beating yourself up over something you can't change. He did you did it. Not one is any worse in my opinion. You were extremely hurt and lashed out the way where you knew it would hurt your husband.
I know the first couple of months I was not in my right mind. I felt like I wasn't even in my own body. I was completely numb. I mean we were still a very loving affectionate couple, still made love 3 to 4 times a week, my husband sent me love texts all the time. It didn't even make any sense why he did this?? I was completely and utterly shocked! After the shock and numbness wore off I was angry
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Negarcia
Dirazz wrote:
azqueenofhearts, it took me a while to get where I am now. Stop beating yourself up over something you can't change. He did you did it. Not one is any worse in my opinion. You were extremely hurt and lashed out the way where you knew it would hurt your husband.
I know the first couple of months I was not in my right mind. I felt like I wasn't even in my own body. I was completely numb. I mean we were still a very loving affectionate couple, still made love 3 to 4 times a week, my husband sent me love texts all the time. It didn't even make any sense why he did this?? I was completely and utterly shocked! After the shock and numbness wore off I was angry


Dirazz
We're you guys intimate even after you found out? Did you allow him to touch you, love you or how long did it take? Also did you husband stop contacting her asap?
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UrbanExplorer
Kalmarjan wrote:


In my case, it's not me being upset. I lived through the whole retribution phase. I'm giving my experience with it. 

What I am trying to do is give another side of the equation. I'm sure that some BS here are "just venting" (as you put it) but as a person who had the revenge done on me (Social media bomb, revenge affair) I figure that giving the perspective of the WS here will allow you to think about the consequences of an action a BS would take, even if they feel entitled/justified in doing so.

No one expects the BS to be "sane and rational," in fact, I'd say that it's the opposite. Why do you think you get the truth in little bits, via "trickle truth?" No, noone is expecting the BS to be calm, sane, or anything of that sort. 




I totally agree, as someone on the receiving end of revenge that crossed even legal lines into ongoing in-person harassment of my family.

My former AP told me several months ago, after looking at some messages between his BS and me that I turned over as part of their court case, that he believes some were written by his 14-year-old daughter under the direct supervision of his BS! Being a BS who is justifiably enraged does not absolve one from being responsible for his/her actions.
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AwesomeFox
Urban - you are so right. We are always saying the WS should take total responsibility for their actions in having an affair. I think the BS should be responsible in exactly the same way for how they respond to said affair.

As Guilt said a long time ago, there IS a fine line between justice and retribution and we all have to own our actions- nobody MAKES us do anything.


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Dirazz
azqueenofhearts, we were intimate after the first week. I believe I went through what is known as hysterical bonding. We had sex two to three times a day. Maybe it was a sub conscious way of reclaiming my husband but all I know things felt back to normal in a great way when we made love. And I needed any hint of normal. I stayed focused on why I loved this man and the love we felt in the beginning stages of our relationship. I really weighed things out. Out of the 15 years of marriage this man my husband has always treated me like a queen. Was 2 months of him being a complete and total dumb a$$ worth throwing away my marriage? No it wasn't! My husband left his job effective immediately the day after DD. And has not seen or spoken to her in almost 10 months. This was not hard for him to do at all. He said she meant nothing to him. He had already called it off between them 2 weeks before I saw the phone records. I never look at those things either. So strange that I did that day. He on his own deleted all social media accounts and blocked her number on his phone. He's done most of this on his own and if I think of anything else he will do that too. In fact today the 3rd is 10 months since the last time they had sex in her car. Funny how certain dates still stay stuck in my head. I'm working on that one now. I'm hoping after the year mark in August I won't think of those dates. But I know there already a lot less painful. Time time.....
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Heidi
Just to add to this, there comes a time when not only do we as a BS take responsibility for our actions, but it also feels good. In a life when you are out of control, being battered by the terrible choices your WS made, there's a certain strength in saying 'I'm completely responsible for me.' It took me a long time to get here, and I've had to really go through pain, sadness and a complete lack of control on the way, but now I am, it feels good.

I'm not going to beat myself up for the decisions I made in the crazy stages. They were completely understandable at the time. But I'm glad I'm past that now.

Self compassion is really important. So is looking forward. They both come with a lot of time and effort.
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AHmember113
I don't believe you should see it that way. You set a boundary ( a very generous one, by asking him to to call from home. He chose, deliberately, to violate it. Stay strong, no matter your emotional feelings, and follow thru. If a 48 year old man thinks he wants to raise 3 children from different fathers, let him try it. I can almost guarantee it will be short. Also, her story doesn't add up, you are right. It is not as if she is a fine upstanding person anyway. Remember, she lies and is promiscuous. He is in the fog big time. See a lawyer immediately to know and protect your rights.
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azqueenofhearts
Dirazz,
Your story is much like mine. We have been together for 12 years and he has always treated me like a queen. Still affectionate and did things for me. I now can admit that the last 2 years were not the same but we still had sex 2-3 times a week. We still hung out and were best of friends. This short affair is not worth losing him. It's amazing how much your insight helps me. You are always one step ahead and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Negarcia,
You asked about sex after D-Day. And much like Dirazz in this forum I also had the "hysterical bonding" sex thing after. I mean 3 times a day. He took me to Rocky Point and we had sex 7 times in one day. (Thank goodness the kids were left with their Grandparents!) I also took him to the parking spot him and the OW went. My marriage counselor said I was territorial but I think just wanted erase any memory of her from his mind. And he also wanted the same thing after I messed up and had my revenge affair. Something I regret so much now.
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Dirazz
azqueenofhearts, That's what's amazing about this community. We all help each other. I'm so happy that I can give you some hope and help. We all pay it forward!
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