jlb5685
Hi everyone, I'm new here.  I don't have many close friends that I can talk to about what happened without being judged for not leaving and I just dont' want to hear that when we are trying to rebuild.  So I thought I'd try here.

It's been 9 months since DD, January 28th and it still feels like I just found out yesterday most days.  I fear this will never end.  I question every single intention, call, message, and action he does and while in the beginning I questioned it all outloud, I realized it was never going to work if I'm badgering him 24/7 but it didn't stop the questioning.  I just keep it to myself more now.

He says he's committed to sticking this out through all my meltdowns and crazy mood swings because he truly does want this to work.  He has a huge amount of shame and guilt and apologized and cried often when I first found out.  

I just honestly, don't know what to do......everytime I think ok maybe I'm really making progress in moving on, I get slammed with a day full of horrible thoughts and images and questioning him all over again.  Point blank there is still ZERO trust.  I'm reminded of that daily.  And it doesn't stop at the affair and other women.  I still very much struggle with feeling wanted and feeling that his feelings for me are genuine when I never questioned that before.  He wants me to talk about it, to try and get it out instead of bottling it up but it's not something I can just talk to him about even though he's asked me to.  It always turns into an argument and I need to talk with people outside our relationship.

Any advice you have to help us heal and help me make progress to reign in my thoughts are welcome.
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neslon
Jlb5685 - Welcome to the club no one really wants to belong to.  [smile]  *hugs*

I'm only 5 months out so take my opinions with a grain of salt.

Are you in individual counseling?  If not, that has helped me immensely.  I'm still trying to get to a place of trust where I don't question everything he does.  My therapist is working on this with me.  It's hard to change the paths in our head but here was her suggestion - When the feelings of a trigger or distrust comes up - Think/say "stop - He's in a different place now.  We are in a different place now.  That is part of the past."  She also said to bring forward a happy, recent memory where you can really feel comfort and feel safe.  If you have a recent picture of the 2 of you where you are happy and calm - bring that out.  The important thing is really to feel the change.  The emotional part of the brain that gets "triggered" or is causing the anxiety does not see the past different from the present so it puts us back to that moment.  

Also I thought my friends would judge me.  I only chose to tell 3 people.  The one I lean on the most was the last person I was going to tell but she has been a rock for me to lean on.  

You can also lean on the forums as the collective soul here have been very good ears and hearts to many!
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Fionarob
I would also recommend telling a close friend, but it has to be someone you really feel you can trust and that they will be understanding.  I also held back from telling friends for a very long time, because I felt ashamed of my h and also worried they would all tell me to leave him.  None of them judged me in that way, in fact they all said they understood why I was trying to make it work and that they would be doing the same.  They knew, as Mothers themselves, that a Mum would do anything to keep her family together and not hurt her children.  It was such a relief to finally tell them and be able to talk about things, vent when I needed to or just have a shoulder to cry on.

Another thing I found helpful when I felt those days you describe, where it is going around and around in your head all day long, is that you need to do things that make you happy, and that enjoy.  It sounds very simple and that it wouldn't work, but it helped me a lot.  If I couldn't break the cycle of thoughts I would go and do some gardening, or go shopping and treat myself, go to the hairdressers and be pampered, go for a run.......whatever the things are that you really enjoy.  I think, for a while, I had forgotten that other things gave me pleasure too, and that my life didn't have to revolve around the pain I was feeling.  It doesn't mean you are not acknowledging that you are still suffering a lot at the moment....but you have to do your best to replace it with something else.  It is very hard, everyone here will recognise what you are describing, so you are not alone.
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ALRUI
@jlb5685: Everything youre experiencing is perfectly normal as a BS. I have been having the same issues since my wife came forward 3 months ago (she was the absolute LAST person I would think was capable of such behavior) & it has been a really rough time since for me even though we got everything that was wrong with our marriage out in the open and are working to solve the issues that led to the affair occurring. Whatever you do when youre having your discussions is to not argue and name call, etc. I have been guilty of that myself (and so has she) and after the last time we both agreed we cant be doing that as it just brings us back to where we were that was so destructive. I believe it was Tim T. who talked about taking "time outs" which we have started doing and it seems to help a lot. If youre feeling things get heated just back off & request a time out, during that time do not converse about the subject that triggered the argument or was going to trigger one until both parties have had time to relax and re-group. The hard part (for me anyway) is not making comments to one another while re-grouping! Hope this helps somehow.

ALR
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Dirazz
jib5685, trust comes with actions and time. If he is already doing the actions all you can do is let time go by. My husband shows me on a daily basics that I can trust him. He knows I cannot tolerate one more lie. About anything! We are honest about everything even if we don't like the answers being honest is the only way to live. I know it's very hard to get those but what if he's still lying? What if he's still acting inappropriately when I'm not there thoughts out of your head. They were once on my mind 100% of the time. We are 13 months past DD and I would say I do trust my husband once again. Let your husband show you everyday that he is trust worthy. I promise it does it get better.
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Keepabuzz
Jib5685,
I know exactly how you feel. I'm 14 months out from D-day. I felt just like you for a very long time. I slowly made progress to healing. But the progress was SO slow, I couldn't see it many times. It helped me to look back, not forward. Looking to the future was too hard, too many unknowns. But if I looked back, maybe a week, or maybe a month, maybe MONTHS, I could see it had gotten easier. Don't get down on yourself for feeling the way you feel 9 months out. Everybody's timeline for recovery is different, and it's never as fast as you would like it to be. The destruction caused by infedelity is unimaginable unless you have lived it. You can get through it though. As others have said, do things for you, just you. Take charge of your own happiness. I still have bad days, the time between them gets longer and longer, but I still have them. I have bad times, too. I had a rough afternoon today. Nothing "happened", I just got dragged back into the darkness for a while. Back into all the pain.

My wife has done just about everything right since d-day, and that has really helped me heal faster. It sounds like your husband is too. I never felt bad about questioning her about who called or texted. It's not my fault I don't trust her, she owns that. I don't ask very often now, it doesn't trigger me much anymore. As said above, trust is built with millions of small actions, and some big ones.

What helped me as well was talking to my wife about my feelings. Not really the thing most of us guys like to do. I learned that she didn't know what to do to help me. I would get triggered, she would have no idea what happened, and assume she did something wrong. I had to learn to open up, open up to the one person that every bit of logic in my brain said I shouldn't. So I promised her that every time I was triggered, or I was there physically but staring off into the distance, I would tell her exactly what was going through my head. Sometimes she didn't like what she heard. BUT most of the time, it helped her to understand how terribly she had destroyed me, and honestly gave her the opportunity to show remorse and show me comfort. It helped us reconnect.

Ask you husband to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". I read it first, than asked my wife to read it. It's a pretty short book. It was a HUGE help for her. It helped her to understand how badly she hurt me, how I felt, and what she could DO to help me.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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