Kalmarjan Show full post »
TimT
Kalmarjan wrote:
LOL Add it to my reading list!
Well, it's a good book for anyone to read, but the recommendation was for your wife to read it, if she's into that sort of thing. [smile]
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Courage
So Kal, here's my 2 cents. It's not about the jugs, or the kitchen or the Christmas tins.. It's about her issues with herself. I think a controlling personality is a mask for insecurity. For feeling less than others... I know this bc it is me. I can be controlling on some levels- how that has looked in my marriage is me making my H feel like he could never do anything right. It could have been him cleaning the kitchen, but leaving the clean pots in the sink. Or him packing the diaper bag when the kids were little and getting to the restaurant and he didn't pack a bib or the baby spoon. I would get so frustrated and angry and make hurtful comments. Why does everything fall on my shoulders, why doesn't he see the way things should be done?? Well, I paid the price for it... I didn't make him do it, but my behaviour made him feel worthless. Many a time I heard ' I'm doing the best I can- I don't know what else I can do?' So, when another woman entered his life and he felt a sense of self worth- an affair was enevitable. I don't for a second take responsibility for it- but I do see how it happened.....
So I reflect now on my behaviours in our marriage- why didn't I give him credit for all the great things he did? Why did I just chose to criticize? If you heard me talk about my husband to others I would say how wonderful he was- great father, does equal amounts around the house- laundry, cooks, cleans etc... In fact, he did more than most. He was even keeled, never in a bad mood- really, he was easy to please. So where did things go wrong? Why couldn't I tell him how great he was? I'm working on that now. This is what I've come up with.
#1. I never felt good enough for him. I thought he was smarter, more successful, people liked him more than me.. The list goes on and on. He never once madee feel this way, but it was how I felt. MY INSECURITIES- so what I did, was where I felt greater control- household chores and child rearing, I tried to make him feel less. Maybe self consciously wanting him to feel some insecurities since I felt so many.
#2. This one is very difficult to write about. My H would sometimes say that he thought I never loved him to begin with. That perhaps I choose wrong bc he never felt loved by me. I am looking at that deeply right now. I sometimes think he may have been right. I dont know where I am in that at the moment. I feel I failed him and perhaps punished him bc he wasn't what I really wanted. My anger, control issues, resentment were all a way for me to hide behind a wrong decision that I made many years ago and have resented and could never admit to myself. And as a result, have wrongly taken it out on him.

Not saying that this is your wife's issues, but these are the things I'm looking deep into my soul about right now. I can never make the affair he had not happen- I want to so bad, but I can't. What I can do is look deep in myself and see where I went wrong. Don't get me wrong though, there are many things my H could have done to make a better marriage. I am not entirely to blame. But I can't control or change anything but myself. This is very painful, but I am trying to do the inner work. No matter where I end up- with or without him, I want to grow and learn from this and be a better me for ME. That sounds oh so cliche but so true.

Not sure if this makes any sense, but as I have read your posts, they have affected me to my core bc I see some myself in your wife's behaviours.
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Kalmarjan

Courage wrote:
So Kal, here's my 2 cents. It's not about the jugs, or the kitchen or the Christmas tins.. It's about her issues with herself. I think a controlling personality is a mask for insecurity. For feeling less than others... I know this bc it is me. I can be controlling on some levels- how that has looked in my marriage is me making my H feel like he could never do anything right. It could have been him cleaning the kitchen, but leaving the clean pots in the sink. Or him packing the diaper bag when the kids were little and getting to the restaurant and he didn't pack a bib or the baby spoon. I would get so frustrated and angry and make hurtful comments. Why does everything fall on my shoulders, why doesn't he see the way things should be done?? Well, I paid the price for it... I didn't make him do it, but my behaviour made him feel worthless. Many a time I heard ' I'm doing the best I can- I don't know what else I can do?' So, when another woman entered his life and he felt a sense of self worth- an affair was enevitable. I don't for a second take responsibility for it- but I do see how it happened..... So I reflect now on my behaviours in our marriage- why didn't I give him credit for all the great things he did? Why did I just chose to criticize? If you heard me talk about my husband to others I would say how wonderful he was- great father, does equal amounts around the house- laundry, cooks, cleans etc... In fact, he did more than most. He was even keeled, never in a bad mood- really, he was easy to please. So where did things go wrong? Why couldn't I tell him how great he was? I'm working on that now. This is what I've come up with. #1. I never felt good enough for him. I thought he was smarter, more successful, people liked him more than me.. The list goes on and on. He never once madee feel this way, but it was how I felt. MY INSECURITIES- so what I did, was where I felt greater control- household chores and child rearing, I tried to make him feel less. Maybe self consciously wanting him to feel some insecurities since I felt so many. #2. This one is very difficult to write about. My H would sometimes say that he thought I never loved him to begin with. That perhaps I choose wrong bc he never felt loved by me. I am looking at that deeply right now. I sometimes think he may have been right. I dont know where I am in that at the moment. I feel I failed him and perhaps punished him bc he wasn't what I really wanted. My anger, control issues, resentment were all a way for me to hide behind a wrong decision that I made many years ago and have resented and could never admit to myself. And as a result, have wrongly taken it out on him. Not saying that this is your wife's issues, but these are the things I'm looking deep into my soul about right now. I can never make the affair he had not happen- I want to so bad, but I can't. What I can do is look deep in myself and see where I went wrong. Don't get me wrong though, there are many things my H could have done to make a better marriage. I am not entirely to blame. But I can't control or change anything but myself. This is very painful, but I am trying to do the inner work. No matter where I end up- with or without him, I want to grow and learn from this and be a better me for ME. That sounds oh so cliche but so true. Not sure if this makes any sense, but as I have read your posts, they have affected me to my core bc I see some myself in your wife's behaviours.


Thanks for this Courage.

I can see a lot of what you are saying in my wife. I know that there are a lot of things that contributed to my unhappiness in the marriage, and let me own the biggest. Im not even talking about the affair, but way before. I am going to tell you this to give you a new angle on the situation, perhaps to alleviate some questions on your part.

My wife had lots of resentments. Some she even vocalized. For example, she was beyond resentful that I got to go to work while she was stuck inside the house on maternity leave. She resented me for leaving her in the hospital because after the third day I was not able to refuse a shift without losing my job.

All of these were irrational on her part, at least from my point of view. So, I just swept them under the rug. I ignored them, and hoped they would go away. I fought, sure, but never drawing the line in the sand and saying, "hey, this is not healthy here, and I would appreciate it if we could solve this like adults instead of getting into a screaming match."

This is why I am going through what I am right now. I didn't live my life, I was always basically jumping to make my wife happy, no matter the cost. 

For example, our wedding took place a year and a half after our first miscarriage. My wife-to-be was starting to change her life around whoever was having a baby or pregnant. Meaning, avoiding them like the plague. She stopped watching shows she liked because she saw the actress was pregnant, or they were talking about babies. She even quit her job because one of her managers became pregnant. 

I knew this was bad for her, but instead I "fixed" everything.

When it came time for our invitations, we made them, and sent them out. Suddenly my wife-to-be started freaking out because some of my friends had babies, and she didn't want to see them.

I had to call my friends and tell them, please, I forgot to write on the invitation there are no kids allowed. I argued with my mother, who flat out told me that this wasn't like me. See, she was right. But I was "fixing" things, sweeping them under the rug.  

In the end, I was losing myself and identity, and it manifested in other ways before I had my affair. For a while I was housebound because of anxiety attacks where I believed that my heart was going to give out. This made the resentment into a cycle. My wife would be pissed because I spent 13 hours in the hospital because of chest pains which once again proved to be just an anxiety attack. So, whenever I would start getting a panic attack, she would go on the offensive and verbally attack me - which made things worse. 

Now, here's the thing... I am not saying this to paint my wife as a monster. I sure thought she was at the time. Let me tell you, a lot of people did. 

But, it wasn't her, it was me. Because in the end, I had swept so much resentment and so much of me under the rug, I had no choice but to have it manifest in some way. At that time it was anxiety and panic attacks. They went away when I got a job and threw myself into work. Once again, swept under the rug. 

I swear, I'm coming to my point. 

I have been wondering if I should be thinking about this affair still. Am I holding onto analyzing it therefore not moving past it?

Right now I am analyzing things because I don't want them to happen again. I want to know who I am, and live with integrity. If that means that I need to have some real tough conversations, then they have to happen because while I love my wife, I also love me. And I matter here too. 

At the end of the day, I know it's not about the jugs. It's frustrating. It's about control, and my wife's need to control everything and everyone in order to feel safe. Now more than ever because my wife's worst nightmare came true... not only an affair, but something she literally had no control over whatsoever. Intuition77 hit the nail squarely when she said that "you have no say in the matter."

Now my job is to figure out who I am, real fast, and where those boundaries are. Then I have to be the one that is the mountain. Her safe place where she may go off and be the tempest with her anger, but when it crashes into the mountain, the mountain is still there. Both are mutually together creating this wonderful relationship, but one does not destroy the other with their being who they actually are. 

When it comes to your WH, I don't think that you chose wrong. there is no right or wrong choice there.

You know, from the bottom of my heart, his actions and feelings are not your fault. They are his, and his alone. If you made him "feel" a certain way because of the way you "treated" him then it's his fault because he wasn't man enough to rise up and put a stop to it. It's a cold, hard lesson to sit in the dark and actually come to a point where you own up to that. I harbored resentment, blamed my wife, and basically painted her as a monster. Why? Because I was not living with integrity? Because I couldn't be honest with myself - and her - and tell her that I wouldn't accept the way that I was being treated?
Seriously weak. Seriously.

I hope that makes some sense...

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