Crushed
I am going to have surgery next week for stomach issues caused by my reactions about  WH affair. I have cried for days because I know that I am alone, afraid, and have no support.  I am terrified at the thought of giving control of my life to someone that showed it meant nothing to him. I will be dependent on the person that has caused this for  several days and I am just beside myself with fear. I dont want to need him, I dont want to count on him, I know that I can not trust him.  And it is tearing me to shreds
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ThrivenotSurvive
Crushed,  

Do you have any other friends or family you can turn to?  If you still feel this strongly after three years and you reactions to your WH are causing significant health reactions I would question if this is a relationship that should continue.  

Are you staying for your kids? I could certainly understand but it is clearly taking an undue toll on you.  I don’t see the value in continuing a relationship where you can’t trust him to look after you when you are having major surgery.  That level of care should be a given in a partnership.  

I know this doesn't help stem your fears but maybe this event is showing you something about your relationship that you need to consider deeply.  

If you really feel that way, I’d try to make other arrangements.  Your health is too important.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
You don’t have to depend on him. You can sign a medical power of attorney over to someone “other” than him. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ABCOneTwoThree
Keepabuzz wrote:
You don’t have to depend on him. You can sign a medical power of attorney over to someone “other” than him. 


I did something similar to this (though not as official as a POA) when I was pregnant with my youngest. I knew I was going to need a repeat cesarean, so I told my father and my now ex husband that if it came down to it, my father would be the one making decisions about my care and well being. My care team was informed that my husband was not making any final decisions unless my father agreed. My father didn’t know what led to me making this request, but he knew my husband was lacking in common sense so I think that was explanation enough for him. 

I had knee surgery back in May, and I was also terrified of having to rely on my ex husband for anything. We weren’t living together at the time, but he still offered. In the end, I just had him keep the kids a few days longer than he normally would have, and I was able to have my sister and my father help me out the rest of the time. Do you have family close by that can help you out? 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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Crushed
I know that I am being unreasonable.  He has done nothing that would make me think that he would not have my best interests at heart.  But it's that I do not want to be vulnerable.  I'm afraid that if I let  my guard  down  that I will be hurt again.  He is not empathic or compassionate and I dont feel that he gets why I'm so upset about this.  
As to why I dont leave  I am afraid to be alone the rest of my life. I am 57 years old and have been with him for 41 years.   My kids are grown and gone and have their own lives now.  I dont fit anywhere anymore. My life was my kids my home my husband and I feel so very alone. I still have friends and my job and that does help but I am more of a giver I try to do whatever is asked of me but I hate to ask for help for myself.
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anthro
I had an operation during my wife's affair. General anaesthetic and a reasonably lengthy and painful recovery. (Okay I had my tonsils out, which sounds minor but is actually pretty grim stuff as an adult). She says that this period of vulnerability was one of the things that pushed her out of the affair and back to our marriage.

I just offer this as a possible positive side to your impending vulnerability. These moments can bring home to both people in a marriage the reality of commitment and mutual reliance, confidence, trust, etc. I don't want to overstate it; it was a few months still after that before she ended the affair.

The other thing is that if he were to totally drop the ball and fail you, you would still survive and it would tell you all you need to know about what you have to work with.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Crushed


I did something similar to this (though not as official as a POA) when I was pregnant with my youngest. I knew I was going to need a repeat cesarean, so I told my father and my now ex husband that if it came down to it, my father would be the one making decisions about my care and well being. My care team was informed that my husband was not making any final decisions unless my father agreed. My father didn’t know what led to me making this request, but he knew my husband was lacking in common sense so I think that was explanation enough for him. 

I had knee surgery back in May, and I was also terrified of having to rely on my ex husband for anything. We weren’t living together at the time, but he still offered. In the end, I just had him keep the kids a few days longer than he normally would have, and I was able to have my sister and my father help me out the rest of the time. Do you have family close by that can help you out? 
I

I didnt know I could do that.   I can have my daughter make any final decisions.    And no I have no family close by. My daughter lives 2 hours away and my son lives 7 hours away.  My mother and father have both passed away.  But I do have several friends that I can count on. 
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
I know that I am being unreasonable.  He has done nothing that would make me think that he would not have my best interests at heart.  But it's that I do not want to be vulnerable.  I'm afraid that if I let  my guard  down  that I will be hurt again.  He is not empathic or compassionate and I dont feel that he gets why I'm so upset about this.  
As to why I dont leave  I am afraid to be alone the rest of my life. I am 57 years old and have been with him for 41 years.   My kids are grown and gone and have their own lives now.  I dont fit anywhere anymore. My life was my kids my home my husband and I feel so very alone. I still have friends and my job and that does help but I am more of a giver I try to do whatever is asked of me but I hate to ask for help for myself.


You’re not being unreasonable. He actually has done MANY things to make you think that he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. If your gut says don’t trust him, don’t. You have said is not empathetic or compassionate, that is not the person I want doing my personal care after surgery.....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
He is so upset with me.   He doesnt understand why I feel this way.   How can I explain it so he can  understand 
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anthro
That's pretty outrageous. I don't think it even needs explaining. It would actually be strange if you *did* trust him.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
He is so upset with me.   He doesnt understand why I feel this way.   How can I explain it so he can  understand 


You should tell him to go look in the mirror, because that is who he should be upset with. That is the person who is at fault. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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jasmine

Crushed, I hope your procedure goes well and that you make a speedy recovery. This is the time when YOU come first. YOUR NEEDS are what’s important right now. You have the absolute right to choose who takes on this role of responsibility for your best interests should that need arise. You are entitled to make your own plans for the care and support you will need afterwards during your recovery period. 


With regard to your husband, this could go either way. It IS possible he will realise that he has to step up and be responsible. Of course the opposite could be true and he could turn out to be a hopeless disappointment and not fit to depend upon. However it’s your health and wellbeing that matters right now so it probably makes sense to have alternatives. You could call on two or three responsible adults to share the load, assuming you can do that. Perhaps your daughter for some responsibilities to do with your medical care and your other friends for your after care at home. If you want to consider your husband as the last chance saloon, that’s entirely your prerogative. 

I know that now isn’t the time to be stressed out but it’s pretty much impossible when you’re still traumatised by your husband’s past behaviour. He wasn’t reliable. He wasn’t thinking of you when he was chasing the OW. He didn’t put your interests and those of the marriage and the family above his own selfish wants. It’s not surprising that this is not someone you can put your trust in. 

Just as an aside, it really is quite incredible that so many BS develop all manner of health issues. It’s interesting that we use the term “I feel it in my gut” and yet that’s quite often where BS develop problems. 

I wish you well with your surgery. 

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