solost
my husband cheated on me while i was out of state for my fathers funeral.  Does the timing of an affair matter, does it lessen the chance of forgiveness, does it indicate a deeper level of "unlove" than a 1 night stand? please give thoughts. thanks.
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Keepabuzz
solost wrote:
my husband cheated on me while i was out of state for my fathers funeral.  Does the timing of an affair matter, does it lessen the chance of forgiveness, does it indicate a deeper level of "unlove" than a 1 night stand? please give thoughts. thanks.


That is unbelievable!  I’m so sorry.  I think in your case it definitely matters.  It makes the betrayal even worse. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthropoidape
I don't know that it indicates anything about the level of "unlove". There's a big dose of unlove in cheating regardless of timing. But it's extra rotten in your case, up there with guys who cheat while their wives are pregnant. It is extra rotten because you are clearly vulnerable at a time like that. There is no fooling yourself that your wife who has had to travel for a funeral is too busy to be a good wife, or that you are apart because you've grown apart, or whatever other stories cheaters tell themselves. 

But a lot more depends on how he acts now and for the coming few years. I do think you can tell a lot more about a person from how they act after cheating than from how they cheated (within reason!!). 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
One other question. Why didn’t he go with you?? I couldn’t imagine my wife’s father dying, and me sending her out of state to his funeral without me. Even in the early days after d-day, I would have still gone with her. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthropoidape
Keepabuzz wrote:
One other question. Why didn’t he go with you?? I couldn’t imagine my wife’s father dying, and me sending her out of state to his funeral without me. Even in the early days after d-day, I would have still gone with her. 


Same actually. For a more distant relative maybe you send one spouse because of logistics and pragmatism etc, but a parent.... hmm.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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solost
my husband is in the army. I've never asked him to take time off. I actually don't recall if i asked him to go with me or if he said he couldn't. I loved my father dearly, most everything that i said or heard,in the moments following the phone call that he had passed,is a blurr. My dad raised me, he was a good person. I wish my situation was hypothetical and he was alive, I would ask his advice. I am so lost without him. Hopefully this site, and caring people on it, can help me figure out what to do with my devastation. I lost a man who I knew loved me and can't turn to the man who promised to.
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solost
I found out through snooping that within hours of me leaving they started making their plans to meet. Unbeknownst to me, they had been chatting and video chatting through xbox for about 1 year but had never met in person. she flew out the next day and they were in a hotel the entire time i was away for fathers funeral. I'm having a very hard time understanding how my husband could think so  little of me at that time. Are people who can disregard what their spouses are going through and simultaneously enjoy themselves psychopaths? please give thoughts, thanks.
  
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Laurajean83
solost wrote:


Are people who can disregard what their spouses are going through and simultaneously enjoy themselves psychopaths? please give thoughts, thanks.
  


Kinda yes, but also no.  They are so wrapped up in themselves and their own selfish world they dont see anything else.  The reason you were gone was not even in his mind...  he just felt he could finally get what he wanted.  I can pretty much guarantee he thought you would never know.  The crazy justification goes like this.  She will never know...  so she won't be hurt...  and if she isnt hurt it isnt hurtful.  So in his mind why would it matter your reason for going..   it's not really hurtful anyways.  That is not reality.. but it was probably the way his mind worked.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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solost
thanks laurajean for responding. i can see it initially, from that point of view.. what you don't know can't hurt you, however he confessed to me about 6 weeks after the affair with the added bonus of "she's pregnant with my child" [ a lie she told him ] He lied about when and where the affair took place, placing it before my fathers death and in a different state [a work related trip]
So i'm wondering what you may think, since he chose to lie about the timing, was that lie an afterthought?
Also maybe of interest is this.. out of all the trips i had previously taken to see father etc. this was the only trip where he called me to see when i would be home, he knew the date i'd be home, he called to know what time. 
What do you think? Can a person be 1/2 aware, blotting out some of reality but not all. Was his lie about the timing told to help with 'damage' control = hurt me less, OR, make him look less poorly?
 
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solost
What is a persons mindset, in regards to their spouse, when they cheat? I thought we were solid, he gave no indication of being unhappy. at the time of affair we had been together 11 years
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solost
 is there a subconscious need to hurt ones spouse by confessing? Is it to lessen the cheaters guilt. Is it a passive aggressive way to end a marriage? could it be all 3 or a combination of any?
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anthropoidape
solost wrote:
 is there a subconscious need to hurt ones spouse by confessing? Is it to lessen the cheaters guilt. Is it a passive aggressive way to end a marriage? could it be all 3 or a combination of any?


They say some affairs are "exit affairs" - an attempt to cause the BS to end a marriage by someone who is too chicken to end it the right way. I think my wife's affair was probably this kind, or... another kind which I think is just a self-destructive kind. Like when someone just eats and eats junk food even though they hate their weight. 

I don't think confessing is intended to hurt usually but I must say sometimes there seems to be a pleasure in ending secrecy.

It is true that keeping an affair secret seems to run a risk of it all just blowing up even worse later. It also probably leaves underlying issues unrepaired. So I think confession is the best option of a bad lot usually. (ie it's bad to cheat but once you have it's better to confess because everything comes home to roost.) 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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