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BorealJ
Laurajean83 wrote:


This is an interesting and honest thought.  As a WS I struggled with feeling insecure and needed others to validate me...  and not nor any good reason like i was abused.  It's just how my mind worked.  Constantly wondering if people liked me, comparing myself to every women ever.  I thought this was normal.  

Now my husband because of the betrayal is deeply insecure, wanting to change things about himself, and putting more effort into clothes and hair and such.  It is super heart breaking to watch cuz he was never like that before.  But a part of me want to find a way to express to him that it may be like how I have always felt and related to the world.  But I do not dare say such a thing unless I come off sounding...  I dont know...  uncaring. 

However to your second thought of...  "you dont get me, I'll show you".  For me that couldn't be farther from the truth.  It's only through this experience that I have been able to label and understand how I related to the world in a dysfunctional fashion.  

Anyways, thanks for sharing that BorealJ 
Thanks for the perspective.  I can sure relate to your husband.  I wonder what I would feel if my wife expressed exactly what you have here about the heartbreak in seeing him turn into something you now recognize as unhealthy.  I think it would seem uncaring if you expressed it in a way that sounded like "well now you know how I feel".  But if it was expressed as genuine concern because you have experienced that and it didn't serve you well, I think it would be a very powerful gesture.  It would communicate that you see him and are aware of some of his feelings at the same time as letting him see how you recognize some of your own unhealthy patterns that likely factored into your affair choices.  By letting him know that and even sharing how you've worked on them, it would be a step towards trust building I think.  It would for me anyway. 
On my end, I couldn't express that to my wife because it would be pointing out her brokenness which would just get a defensive response or would put her in shame which hasn't done well for our recovery process.  She has to come to those realizations on her own for them to sit well with her.
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Keepabuzz
BorealJ wrote:
Yes, but why?  Is it like vampires?  Like a need to make more of their kind so more people can relate to them?


I don’t think it’s intentional. I think when people are broken, their view of the world and the people in is skewed. They react to people and situations differently than people who are not broken. 

My wife told me in the months after d-day “I never deserved you. You always deserved better than me. I just always knew that one day you would realize that too, and you would leave. I certainly don’t deserve you now after all I’ve done.  You should have left me where you found me. I never knew how much you loved me, until I saw how much I have really hurt you. I have made you as broken as me.”   That statement showed a lot of remorse that I needed to hear, but almost as important it showed her skewed view of the world, me, and our marriage. 

I told her that because she always felt that way that she could never really relax and be happy. Where she always felt I would leave at some point, that she essentially turned that into a self fulfilling proficiency.  She had done everything possible to make me leave, although not with that conscious goal in mind. She had kept her distance from me to some extent without my knowledge. Then on top of all the years of less than wonderful treatment, she betrays me and was abusive towards me.  

I also told her that it wasn’t up to her to decide what I deserved. That was my decision to make. I told her that I do deserve better than her, much, much better. I deserve the woman that she used to be, the woman I married.  That woman now lives in my house, and I see her everyday. I certainly missed her all those years. If even a hint of that other woman starts to seep back in, then I’m out. I will go through zero of that ever again. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Awakened
Getting scary close to 1 year since DD. I’m doing some better but still struggle. My IC wants me to move to acceptance and forgiveness. Not fully sure how 
I’m realizing lately that abandonment has been a big issue in my life—first my father , then my sister, and almost a year ago my wife. Rejection and betrayed trust.
I keep pondering : Did I do something wrong? Is this just my fate? And who/what is next? How do I trust anyone going forward?
ive put my trust in the Lord but would like to trust in humans and feel comfortable doing so

anyone feel the same or have tips for 1 year post DD feel free to chime in
thanks for reading
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anthropoidape
No great tips except to say that one year is still very early days. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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BorealJ
Awakened wrote:
Getting scary close to 1 year since DD. I’m doing some better but still struggle. My IC wants me to move to acceptance and forgiveness. Not fully sure how 
I’m realizing lately that abandonment has been a big issue in my life—first my father , then my sister, and almost a year ago my wife. Rejection and betrayed trust.
I keep pondering : Did I do something wrong? Is this just my fate? And who/what is next? How do I trust anyone going forward?
ive put my trust in the Lord but would like to trust in humans and feel comfortable doing so

anyone feel the same or have tips for 1 year post DD feel free to chime in
thanks for reading
What you are pondering is normal.  I think we all suffer self doubt after abandonment.  I think the answer to the last question is to build trust in yourself first.  If you can regain a strong sense of self and the belief that you will be okay, you'll be more willing to be vulnerable.  People will disappoint you again, but people will also bring you joy if you are willing to trust in them. 
The timelines for recovery are astoundingly long and we all have our eyes on the imaginary finish line hoping to get there sooner than is possible.  I think it does us better to just move towards the next check point.  Healing takes a long time in the aftermath of an affair because you're not just healing one thing.  The affair opens up, or is an expression of, old wounds in one or both partners that need attention and simply identifying them doesn't help the healing.  They need to be worked on and that takes time.  Some childhood experiences, abandonment for instance, may have caused some well ingrained lifelong patterns that may take a fair bit of counseling support and practice to change.  It's not like you can take the approach that the affair happened and you're traumatized so just accept that it happened and then forgive it and you'll feel better.  These other healing processes have to take place somewhere along the way and they take time.  It doesn't mean you should feel the really high stress levels and trauma throughout the whole healing process, that needs to fade a bit for other parts of the process to be effective I think.  They will as you work on stuff.  
The affair sucked.  I know I'll face a bit of backlash for saying this, but I don't think there are many things that provide the personal growth incentive the way the affair did.  There's no hiding from it and pretending that it occurred out of healthy thinking and life patterns.  Like LauraJean and Keepabuzz's wife above, they needed some experience as eye opening as the affair to understand their dysfunction.  Even as a BS the affair has forced some personal growth in me.  
I guess that's more perspective than tips.  If I were to turn it into a tip, I'd say work with your IC on you and what the affair opened up in you.  It sounds like your wife's affair opened up the abandonment in your past.  I'd say that's a good relative place to put your efforts right now.  Be selfish with your IC time.  It's for you.  Let your MC worry about the affair and forgiveness.  I bet if you focus on you with your IC, it will go a long way toward the forgiveness when it is time for it. 
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anthropoidape
Another thing to note about the finish line is that it is not a magical place where everything is like the betrayal never happened. It is a place where the betrayal is an integrated part of your story. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Awakened
Thanks
i was organizing the abandonment theme for my next IC session. Your comments help to feel comfortable in doing so
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FanofMike2020

My father had affairs while we were growing up.  As a child I remember lots of arguing and shouting.  It wasn’t until later that I was able to put two and two together.  In one of my previous posts, I recounted an event where I was made aware of my father’s infidelity.
I was about 9 or 10 while playing in the playground at school that 5 or 6 classmates came to me laughing.  One of them said to me, “Ha ha, your dad has a girlfriend!”  They continued laughing and then left me not realizing the bomb they had thrown my way.  I come from a very small town (about 2,000 people—-everybody knows everybody).  I can only conclude that my family must have been the talk of the town due to my father’s affairs.  As a child, it was very embarrassing realizing that your father was capable of such dishonesty and cruelty not only to his children but especially to our mother.  She certainly didn’t deserve being treated and talked about in that way.
I never told a soul about that revelation until about 40 years later.  Our father had passed away, and we were at my sister’s house talking about old times.  It was then that I decided to reveal what had happened all those years ago while on the playground.  My sisters were shocked, but my second sister recounted her first hand account of when my father and mother were arguing.  My father raised his had to slap my mother, but my sister quickly got between them to keep him from harming her.  To this day, she loathes him.  I loved my father, but I did not respect him.  He smoked, drank, gambled, and had his lady friends.  He was hardly ever home, and when he was, he was never fun to be around.  He was always moody and had such contempt for my mother.  Maybe it was the guilt of his actions.  Who knows.
I don’t know if there was infidelity with my grandparents because I was too young to know them.  My mom’s mom died during childbirth and my father’s father I also never knew.
However, my eldest sister’s husband did have affairs.  He gave my sister an STD and father a child from one of his affair partners.  Divorce was their only option.  My second sister’s husband also had an affair which was shocking to me because he was always the jealous type.  Always wanted to know who she was talking with on the phone.  I guess it’s like what they says that people accuse you of doing something they are themselves wanting to do.  
My husband to my knowledge has never cheated.  I don’t think he’s the type.  His father was very religious so my children and I have a lot to thank my FIL for raising my husband the way he did.  Unfortunately, my two sisters were not so lucky.  All that sadness and despair for nothing.
I did dodge a bullet while in college.  I was dating this guy who must have been thinking of marriage because one day he came to me and said, “I just want you to know that if we ever get married, I am going to cheat on you.”  At first I was shocked that he would tell me such a thing.  I realized that I was never going to be his one and only, but one of many.  I was very inexperienced at the time because my father was very strict with us.  I didn’t start dating until I was in college so this revelation about cheating on me was quite upsetting.  Now that I’m older, I do have to give my ex credit for knowing himself and revealing what my life would be like in the future.  The last time I talked with him over the phone, he started spewing more of his nonsense, and I just hung up on him and never spoke to him ever again.  I really did dodge a bullet with him.  I’m so glad I listened to my inner voice and quit seeing him.  About a year later, I met my husband, and we’ve been married for 42 years.  43 come this December.
I now realize that my ex was a narcissist.  He used to say things to put me down, and I never knew why he would do such a thing.  If you love someone, why would you do that?  Narcissists put others down to make themselves feel more important.  He used to talk about him visiting brothels which was a big turn off for me.  If I knew then what I know now, I would never have dated him, but I was so inexperienced I had no clue the type of person he really was.  Glad I got rid of him.

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